Dealing with Stress - 10 Practical Ways

by Heather Kimble

Stress is completely unavoidable after our baby dies. I wish it was. I hate it. But then again who doesn't hate stress? The emotional and physical reactions suck. We all react in different ways. I just want to break something to release the stress. Chunks of my eyebrows literally were falling out. My hair overall got much thinner and one section completely broke off. I have also felt physically sick and just extremely nauseous.  I am trying to learn to release this stress. I'm still learning different ways that work for me. It's not an easy fix as some would like to think. It doesn't make us bad people, it makes us human.

My Baby is Missing

by Heather Kimble

 

What can I do?

 

What can I say?

 

I'm done.

 

I'm tired of feeling this way.

The 4th Trimester Bodies Project

This past Sunday and Monday I was in Boston. Some of you may have seen my Facebook and instagram post on Monday morning. While it was a wonderful mini getaway with my husband, I was there for a purpose. I was there to take part in a project that I started following not long after Hannah's death.

Healing My Grieving Heart - Practical Ideas

I purchased the book Healing Your Grieving Heart After Stillbirth - 100 Practical Ideas for Parents and Families by Alan D. Wolfelt and Raelynn Maloney a couple of months ago. I thought I wanted to start these healing activities right away, but I was wrong. I couldn't bring myself to do any of them.
I read through it here and there, but I didn't have the strength to actually do the activities. It's not because they are bad or useless. I love that this book gives practical ideas to do. I needed this. I need to do this. I just needed to wait until I was ready and could put my whole heart into these activities.

International Bereaved Mother's Day - Sunday May 4th, 2014

International Bereaved Mother's Day is on Sunday May 4th, 2014. This day is for every single mother who has lost a child unborn or born. It doesn't matter if you have other children or no other children. This day is for us.

“A Mother is not defined by the number of children you see, but by the love that she holds in her heart.” – Franchesca Cox

 

Hannah's Due Date - April 19th, 2014 - The Day Before Easter

April has been hard and this past week has been extremely hard. Right after Hannah passed away I saw other baby loss moms post how hard it was to cope as they approached their babys due date. In the beginning I didn't quite understand it. Would April 19th, 2014 really be that huge and painful for me?

Update #2 - Hidden Unforgiveness/Forgiving Others - Day 36

I just wanted to take a moment and update all of you on my struggle to forgive. It's not easy and I struggled. To be honest I still struggle, but I have come to the point of forgiving one of the people I was so deeply hurt by. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. That doesn't mean I wasn't disappointed. That doesn't mean that what they did/didn't do was right or kind. It simply means I forgive them for the pain they caused me. I release the anger I have been harboring inside towards this person. I obey God by forgiving. If God can forgive me and all of my sins who am I to never forgive someone that has hurt me? The road to forgiveness isn't always easy. At some point the realization comes that it's not about me and them. It's about me and God. It's about me releasing the anger for my own health, physically and emotionally.

I pray that the Lord will help me to forgive others in my life that have hurt me deeply.




Forgiving; to pardon or acquit, to cease to feel resentment against

Forgiveness is the fragrance a violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

                                 

- Mark Twain

 

 

 

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.

- Author Unknown

 

 

 

When somebody you've wronged forgives you, you're spared the dull and self-diminishing throb of a guilty conscience. When you forgive somebody who has wronged you, you're spared the dismal corrosion of bitterness and wounded pride.

 
- Frederick Buechner

 

 

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive and the Lord forgave you.

 

Colossians 3:13

 



 

 

Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing.

 Luke 23:34

 

 

Search me, O God, and know my heart: test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

 

Psalm 139:23-24 

 

 

God will enable you to forgive when you place your confidence in His ability. Read Isaiah 41:10 and Philippians 4:13. Say, "God, thank You for exposing my unforgiveness toward                                                                         . I forgive                                                                                  for                                                                                                                           ." 

 

Write these words in red letters over your list of names. Tear up the paper and throw it away.

Hope in the Midst of Tough Times - Day 35

Good days.

Bad days.

God is in all days.

 

- Max Lucado

 

 

 

Psalm 121:1-3; Psalm 125:2; Psalm 63:7; Psalm 124:8

 

I look up to the hills, but where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let you be defeated. He who guards you never sleeps. * As the mountains surround Jerusalem, the Lord surrounds His people now and forever. * You are my help. Because of your protection, I sing. * Our help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

 

 

 

Genesis 37:23-25

 

So it came to pass, when Joseph had come to visit his brothers, that they stripped Joseph of his tunic, the tunic of many colors that was on him. Then they took him and cast him into a pit. And the pit was empty; there was no water in it. And they sat down to eat a meal.

 

 

 

Genesis 50:20

 

As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.

 

 

 

 

In God's hands intended evil becomes eventual good.

 

- Max Lucado

 

 

 

God as a Master Weaver, Master Builder. He redeemed the story of Joseph. Can't her redeem your story as well?

 

- Max Lucado



God Carries Us Through - Day 34

**The last few devotionals for Lent will done with, God Will Carry You Through by Max Lucado.



"You will get through this. It won't be painless. It won't be quick. God will use this mess for good. Don't be foolish or naïve. But don't despair either. With God's help, you will get through this."

- Max Lucado

 

 

 

I was determined after Hannah's fatal diagnosis that her life wouldn't be forgotten that something good was going to come out of this tragedy. Her life mattered. Her life counted. Her life has meaning. Her life will change the world.

 

 

I will get through this and adjust to this new normal. It is extremely painful. It is a very slow journey. This mess will be used for good by God. I'm not foolish or naïve. But I will not live in complete despair. With God's help I will get through this and adjust to this new normal. 

Sharing Your Story - Day 33

1 Peter 3:15

But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.



1. Start with a prayer! Ask for God's wisdom and discernment in what to share.

Dear Lord,

Help through this journey. Help me point all glory back to You. Guide me on what to share and how to share it. There is so much left about my story to be told. I do need wisdom and discernment throughout this journey and as I share my story.

Amen



2. Identify one personal experience in your journey through grief where God has worked through your life.




3. Briefly share what happened. Were you hiding, suffering, questioning, forgiving, relating, seeking?

Hannah was given a fatal diagnosis at her 20 week ultrasound. I was told she wasn't the best and was "incompatible with life" and that I should terminate. I was then told by my high risk Doctor that I should terminate, but only because of my risk of mirror syndrome. I refused to terminate. This was my baby. She deserved a chance to live. Her life was worth so much. We prayed for a miracle, but trusted God in whatever he decided. Hannah passed away in utero on December 23rd, 2013 in her 24th week. She was born via emergency C-section on December 23rd, 2013. We had the funeral and buried our Baby Girl on January 9th, 2014. In the beginning of March it was confirmed that Hannah had a extreme form of Turner Syndrome and that is what claimed her life.



4. What emotions did you experience? Did you feel angry, confused, sad, guilty, lonely, depressed, hopeless?

I was not angry at God. I felt angry, confused, sad, guilty, lonely, depressed, and hopeless during this experience. The feelings come and go. Some feelings are becoming less frequent like anger, loneliness, and confusion.



5. What spiritual lesson did you learn from it? If you were holding a grudge against your doctor, did God show the importance of forgiveness?

I was holding a grudge against my high rick doctor and it didn't happen right away, but God helped me forgive.

Also, a baby lost is a baby lost. Their tiny heartbeats stopped. If we don't claim our babies as ours then who in this world will?



6. What scripture verse applies?

Psalm 139:13-16

Colossians 3:13



7. How can your story inspire others? Revisit your gallery of praise. Is there a painting hanging on the wall that could lead someone to praise God? Picture how God might use you. Here is one example of picturing the end result: "I want to help those who have lost a child understand the need to forgive others who have hurt them and the benefits of forgiving so that they will identify at least one person this week and practice forgiveness."

I think so... I hope so.

There will be dark moments in this journey and that is okay! It's ok to feel angry, depressed, hopeless, sad, confused, lonely, and guilty. You are only human and it is important to allow yourself to feel these emotions not matter how painful they are. Just don't allow yourself to dwell on them and become stuck. If you can not move past or through an emotion(s) then do not be ashamed to seek help and guidance from a pastor, counselor, etc.

I want to help those on this journey of baby loss and bring awareness to others that baby loss is real.

Update #1 - Hidden Unforgiveness/Forgiving Others - Day 32

**You can see my original hidden unforgiveness devotional here and forgiving others devotional here.

As I did these two devotionals on forgiveness and unforgiveness I was sure that I had forgiven those that hurt me. I couldn't be more wrong. The unforgiveness towards two people in my life just boiled up inside me. I was angry... no I was furious. I hate this feeling, but I couldn't control it and it came out of nowhere. I didn't expect it at all. I thought all my feelings on forgiveness and unforgiveness were resolved. Here I am back at the beginning.

Why should I care about this person who never called, sent a card, or even came to Hannah's funeral?! Why should I care about the person who was selfish in our time of desperation in planning the burial of our Baby Girl?!

Why?!?!?!?!

I'm still angry at them. I wish I could make this anger go away. I wish there was an instant fix, but there's not. I don't want to be around them. I don't care if I see them. I don't care to hear from them or hear about them.

I don't expect an apology from them ever. They don't think they did anything wrong. But it's not about getting an apology from them. It's about me forgiving them and releasing this resentment and anger. It's between me and God. I can't control the actions of others, but I can work on myself and control my actions with God's help.

Underneath this anger is hurt. These people hurt me deeply. The wounds are still fresh and raw. How could they do these things? I thought they loved and cared about us?

I decided that I needed to revisit these two devotionals. I need God's help to forgive. I needs God's help to let go and release this anger.


Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing.

                                                                           Luke 23:34

Search me, O God, and know my heart: test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

 

Psalm 139:23-24 

 

 

God will enable you to forgive when you place your confidence in His ability. Read Isaiah 41:10 and Philippians 4:13. Say, "God, thank You for exposing my unforgiveness toward                                                                         . I forgive                                                                                  for                                                                                                                           ." 

 

Write these words in red letters over your list of names. Tear up the paper and throw it away.

I'll Know My Child in Heaven - Day 31

Revelation 21:3-4

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."



Psalm 27:4, 8

One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of he Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord.... My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek.



1. What do you most look forward to about Heaven?

I can't wait to see Hannah, my grandfathers, and grandmothers. I can't wait to see God. I look forward to being in paradise and always being happy.



2. What questions will you finally have answers to?

Did God tell Hannah about us? That we love her so much. That we fought so hard to keep her. That we miss her every single day.



3. How has your perspective on the loss of your child been changed by God during your journey?



Read more about heaven: Isaiah 35:10; Ezekiel 1:26-28; Luke 15:10; John 3:5-7; 1 Corinthians 15:36-38; Philippians 3:20-21; 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17; 2 Timothy 4:8; Hebrews 12:22-23; Revelation 15:2-3; 20:1-22:5.

Seeking Others Before You, Beside You, Behind You - Day 30

2 Timothy 2:1-3

You then, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus. And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable men who will also be qualified to teach others. Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus.




1. How can someone before you in grief guide you in your journey? Do you have someone before you? Share at least one way they've helped you.

She lost her baby girl a few years ago. Her daughter was born still. Before Hannah passed away, she simply said how sorry she was and offered to be there for us. Instead of sharing those "miracle" stories, she just cried for us. She told me there's no getting over it and that's ok. That there will always be pain and that's ok. She has encouraged me in the choices I made to mourn and remember Hannah. She understands.



2. Who are the people beside you? How do they support you?

As you all know from this blog that Victoria has lost her four babies through miscarriage (read her story here). She is always there if something triggers me. We can talk to each other about our babies. We understand each other when something upsets us. We don't need to explain or justify ourselves to one another about the way we feel. We don't need to walk this journey of loss alone.



3. Turn around, look back. Who has suffered loss and needs you to reach out to them? How will you help them?

I have seen many women suffer the loss of their babies after me. My heart breaks for each and every one of them. I started this blog/website so that I may help those going through this heartbreaking loss. I want them to know that they are not alone. I want to help and support them in any and every way I can. Hannah's Heart and Love is in the process of becoming a nonprofit so that we can help and support even more on this journey of loss. Whether it's through miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth, or early infant death a baby died and a little heart stopped beating. All of our babies deserve to be recognized. We have the right to feel pain and mourn them in our own way. We will always walk around with a limp until the day we die. It's important to know that we are not alone. I personally pray for each and every person who has lost their baby, who's baby has been given a fatal diagnosis, and those who will lose their baby and have no idea it will happen.

Journey Through the Gallery of Praise - Day 29

Isaiah 65:17-18A

Behold I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind, But be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create.



1. The gallery of your life is filled with emotional paintings. Share about your painting for each of the stages of your journey - Hiding, Suffering, Questioning, and so on.

Hiding - A black hole painted with black, grays, and charcoal colors. Subtle hints of whites throughout - God is ALWAYS there.

Suffering -  The heart is broken into two pieces. It's covered in blood. The is empty, but the emptiness represents the excruciating pain. The heart is on a white background - God is ALWAYS there.

Questioning - A black question mark surrounding by all of my unanswered questions. God is ALWAYS there.

Forgiving - The sky over the ocean. The first half is bright, colorful, and beautiful as the sun is shining and the water sparkles. The second half is dark, void of most color, but in the corner the moonlight is shining, providing light in the darkness - God is ALWAYS there.

Relating - Two people embracing with a hug. Sometimes that is all that is needed - God is ALWAYS there.

Seeking - God's right hand reaching down from the Heavens to me; to hold my hand and guide me - God is ALWAYS there.



2. Now examine each painting. Do you see God there? Contemplate His strength in each of those areas. Praise Him for who He is. With your new eyes, perhaps a few new brush strokes are in order.

Holding Hands with Your Future - Day 28

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my right hand.



1. Is your past holding you captive from your future? If so, how?

I don't think so. I am continually taking steps forward. That's the only way to go. I struggle a lot and there are times I don't want to take anymore steps. This isn't easy and I refuse to leave Hannah in the past. She is apart of my past, present, and future.



2. God wants to strengthen you and help you. In what ways can you allow Him to hold your hand? In what ways can you allow others to hold your hand?

I have made the conscious decision the day Hannah was given a fatal diagnosis that I would not be angry at God. I knew I needed Him more than ever and I turned to Him. He is walking with me through this journey God understands my pain, fears, and anger.

I hate asking for help but I'm only human and I know I can't do this on my own. I have let people in. I allow people to follow me on this journey as I walk through it. Their prayers are powerful. People are holding my hand tightly every time they say a prayer for us, think of us, ask how we are, send a message, talk about Hannah, spend time with me, and talk to me.

Seeking

Seeking: to search for; request, aim, or try

Sorrow looks back,

Worry looks around,

Faith looks up.

 

Author Unknown

 

 

 

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

 

Matthew 7:7

 

 

 

Seek God in your darkness and He will be your light.

Seek God in your questions and He will be your answer.

Seek God in your anger and He will be your peace.

Seek God in your sorrow and He will be your comforter.

Seek God in your uncertainty and He will be your confidence.

Seek God in your sin and He will be your redeemer.

Seek God in your forgiveness and He will be your salvation.

Seek God in your salvation and He will be your eternity.

 

Kathe Wunnenberg

Relating

Relating: to tell, show, establish a logical or casual association, connect with

What Do You Say...

What do you say when a baby dies and someone says...

"At least you didn't' bring it home."

What do you say when a baby is stillborn and someone say...

"At least it never lived."

What do you say when a mother of three says...

"Think of all the time you'll have."

What do you say when so many say...

"You can always have another."

What do you say when someone says... nothing?

What do you say when someone says... "I'm sorry."

You say, with grateful tears and warm embrace,

"Thank you!"

 

Bereavement Services, Gundersen Lutheran Medical Foundation, Lacrosse, Wisconsin

 

 

 

We all need "Kleenex & candle" friends when we suffer loss. Compassionate companions who give us permission to cry and offer and Kleenex or tears. When the darkness of discouragement comes they encircle us. Our heroes of hope light the way to brighter tomorrows and to the None who is truth and our eternal encouragement. And at the right season, we can pass on what we have received to others... a Kleenex & candle.

 

Kathe Wunnenberg

Forgiving

Forgiving; to pardon or acquit, to cease to feel resentment against



Forgiveness is the fragrance a violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

                                 

Mark Twain

 

 

 

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.

 

                                                                       Author Unknown

 

 

 

When somebody you've wronged forgives you, you're spared the dull and self-diminishing throb of a guilty conscience. When you forgive somebody who has wronged you, you're spared the dismal corrosion of bitterness and wounded pride.

 

                                                                                                                   Frederick Buechner

 

 

 

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

 

Colossians 3:13

Do You Want to Get Well? - Day 27

Psalm 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted and bonds up their wounds.



1. Read the story in John 5. Imagine you are the person Jesus approaches and asks, "Do you want to get well?" How will you respond to Him?

No I don't, because I'm terrified Hannah will be forgotten. Logically I want to "get well" of course.



2. What excuses have paralyzed you from walking into the future?

I think  I am walking into the future. I started an online resource to help others in this baby loss journey and continue to walk ahead with other decisions in my life. It's one step at a time, but it's still walking into the future.



3. Maybe it's time to get up and walk into your future! What steps can you take to start.

I'm am taking baby steps and I refuse to rush myself. My life has changed forever. My daughter died and that can never be fixed. I will continue to walk into my future but I will not leave Hannah in my past.

Seeing Beyond Your Cloud of Loss - Day 26

Jeremiah 29:11-14A

For I know the plans I have for you, "declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord.



1. Look at the cover of this book. What do you see in the clouds?

I see a baby's handprint. It's not perfect by it reminds me of Hannah's hands and handprints.



2. Jesus is the One who transforms lives. In what area(s) of your life physically, psychologically, socially, or spiritually has He transformed you the most through your loss.

 I think I have transformed the most socially and spiritually.



3. In what area do you still need to seek His hope?

Psychologically. I hurt so much. I just want Hannah back. Her due date is fast approaching and it hurts more and more everyday. I dread her due date and I dread every single day after that.



4. What plans do you sense God may have for you in the future?

To help others who are on the journey of baby loss. To let them know they are not alone. To let them know that aren't crazy. To let them know they are entitled to feel their emotions. To let them know they don't need to be ashamed of grieving their baby.

I also sense more children are in our future. I'm not sure if they will be biological children, adopted children or both. But no matter what they will be our children.



5. Read the verse at the beginning of this devotional and insert your name.