Jason versus the Pennsylvania Department of Vital Records - Part 2

It has come to my attention that there have been serious developments since the last time that I posted about this, but I never updated those of you who have taken the time to listen to my story. 

First, a little back story for those who missed it.  I posted in March about my disgust with the state of Pennsylvania and their lack of efficiency when providing my wife and I, bereaved parents, with the Certificate of Birth Resulting in a Stillbirth that certain state legislation has made it my right to have.  When I last posted, I had faxed the form for the umpteenth time and still had not received a response.  I had contacted my local state legislator and had not heard from them either.  That post can be found here. 

Jason versus the Pennsylvania State Division of Vital Records PART 1

by Jason Kimble

When Hannah passed away, Heather and I were absolutely devastated.  Having been given a fatal diagnosis, we knew the tragic day would come when we would face the this heartbreaking and difficult time.  Knowing this did not make the time any easier, but it did allow us to consider some things about what was happening.  That said, one thing that came up was the idea of a birth certificate.  Initially this did not cross my mind.  At this point, I can't recall where I heard about it first.  I think Heather told me she had seen something about it online. There was a birth certificate that our state would produce for families called the "Birth Resulting in a Stillbirth" certificate.  It sounded like something that would be a great thing to have and would add just a little bit of peace in the recognition of our baby girl... or so we thought...

The 4th Trimester Bodies Project

This past Sunday and Monday I was in Boston. Some of you may have seen my Facebook and instagram post on Monday morning. While it was a wonderful mini getaway with my husband, I was there for a purpose. I was there to take part in a project that I started following not long after Hannah's death.

Permanent Grief and Sadness

Once a person goes through all 5 stages of grief, that doesn't mean these stages will not appear again in the future. Sometimes certain stages will take longer to work through. There's no time limit. It's important to go through each stage and not try to avoid them, no a matter how painful or uncomfortable they may be. I believe that grief and this sadness will never go away.

Healing My Grieving Heart - Practical Ideas

I purchased the book Healing Your Grieving Heart After Stillbirth - 100 Practical Ideas for Parents and Families by Alan D. Wolfelt and Raelynn Maloney a couple of months ago. I thought I wanted to start these healing activities right away, but I was wrong. I couldn't bring myself to do any of them.
I read through it here and there, but I didn't have the strength to actually do the activities. It's not because they are bad or useless. I love that this book gives practical ideas to do. I needed this. I need to do this. I just needed to wait until I was ready and could put my whole heart into these activities.

What it's like part 2

So I thought I would cheat a little.  I want to talk about something that piggy backs on to what I had written last week about the insensitive comparisons people make.  The day after I posted my piece, I saw something on Facebook that had was a news story being shared by the local news station.  The story was about pet memorials.  The teaser for the piece read something to the affect that our pets are like our children and losing them is like losing a child.  Of course I was offended by reading it.  I thought to myself, "How can they write something like that without thinking."  This is not just something that would be offensive to me or offensive to people in my situation.  What if your child was a soldier killed in battle?  Would they make that comparison?  But it seemed no one had thought about it.  At first I was just going to let it go.  Chalk it up to another one of those "dumb things people say."  I was going to let it roll off my back and not let it be something that bothered me.  But then I realized, if no one ever says anything how can we expect it to be fixed in the future?

Hannah's Due Date - April 19th, 2014 - The Day Before Easter

April has been hard and this past week has been extremely hard. Right after Hannah passed away I saw other baby loss moms post how hard it was to cope as they approached their babys due date. In the beginning I didn't quite understand it. Would April 19th, 2014 really be that huge and painful for me?

Sharing Your Story - Day 33

1 Peter 3:15

But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.



1. Start with a prayer! Ask for God's wisdom and discernment in what to share.

Dear Lord,

Help through this journey. Help me point all glory back to You. Guide me on what to share and how to share it. There is so much left about my story to be told. I do need wisdom and discernment throughout this journey and as I share my story.

Amen



2. Identify one personal experience in your journey through grief where God has worked through your life.




3. Briefly share what happened. Were you hiding, suffering, questioning, forgiving, relating, seeking?

Hannah was given a fatal diagnosis at her 20 week ultrasound. I was told she wasn't the best and was "incompatible with life" and that I should terminate. I was then told by my high risk Doctor that I should terminate, but only because of my risk of mirror syndrome. I refused to terminate. This was my baby. She deserved a chance to live. Her life was worth so much. We prayed for a miracle, but trusted God in whatever he decided. Hannah passed away in utero on December 23rd, 2013 in her 24th week. She was born via emergency C-section on December 23rd, 2013. We had the funeral and buried our Baby Girl on January 9th, 2014. In the beginning of March it was confirmed that Hannah had a extreme form of Turner Syndrome and that is what claimed her life.



4. What emotions did you experience? Did you feel angry, confused, sad, guilty, lonely, depressed, hopeless?

I was not angry at God. I felt angry, confused, sad, guilty, lonely, depressed, and hopeless during this experience. The feelings come and go. Some feelings are becoming less frequent like anger, loneliness, and confusion.



5. What spiritual lesson did you learn from it? If you were holding a grudge against your doctor, did God show the importance of forgiveness?

I was holding a grudge against my high rick doctor and it didn't happen right away, but God helped me forgive.

Also, a baby lost is a baby lost. Their tiny heartbeats stopped. If we don't claim our babies as ours then who in this world will?



6. What scripture verse applies?

Psalm 139:13-16

Colossians 3:13



7. How can your story inspire others? Revisit your gallery of praise. Is there a painting hanging on the wall that could lead someone to praise God? Picture how God might use you. Here is one example of picturing the end result: "I want to help those who have lost a child understand the need to forgive others who have hurt them and the benefits of forgiving so that they will identify at least one person this week and practice forgiveness."

I think so... I hope so.

There will be dark moments in this journey and that is okay! It's ok to feel angry, depressed, hopeless, sad, confused, lonely, and guilty. You are only human and it is important to allow yourself to feel these emotions not matter how painful they are. Just don't allow yourself to dwell on them and become stuck. If you can not move past or through an emotion(s) then do not be ashamed to seek help and guidance from a pastor, counselor, etc.

I want to help those on this journey of baby loss and bring awareness to others that baby loss is real.

Helping Those Going Through Baby Loss - We Need Your Help

{Click here to donate.}

**Update! Hannah's Heart and Love is officially a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization as of September 1st, 2014. But we are still in desperate need of donations both monetary and item donations. Any and all support is so greatly appreciated.

Losing our first and only child was one of the hardest things we have ever had to deal with as a couple.  It was full of heart ache, confusion, sadness, anger, and so many other emotions that making a list is nearly impossible.  When we first received the news that Hannah had some things that would make her chances of survival slim, we were lost.  What made this even harder is that there was really no where we could turn.  During the time from when we found out and even after she had passed away, there seemed to be a general lack of knowledge and support for us to turn towards.  Of course we had the support of our family and friends, but there were minimal resources available to help us.

Losing Hannah created a whole list of things that we now had thrown at us and didn’t know how to handle.  How do we handle such grief?  How do we explain ourselves to people?  How do we go home from the hospital with empty arms?  How do we plan a funeral and how do we pay for it?  This is just a few of the things that started going through our heads.  We had no answers, no where to look for answers and were forced to start working on these things on our own. 

Before we lost Hannah, we could never fully understand what it is like to lose a child.  We didn’t realize how real and painful this is.  There is a general lack of education and conversation about this topic.  People do not have a true understanding of everything that this tragic situation brings with it.  Many people, it seems just assume it all just goes away.  They think that people just move on and that it’s like nothing ever happened.     It is not just a minor thing that passes or fades.  I know this and feel this every time I see a baby or see an outfit or a photo frame or hear about people expecting because I know that at the end of the day, we had to go home without our baby.  The pain that we feel every day is absolutely real.  Our daughter is absolutely real. 

It is because of all of these reasons that we decided that we wanted to start Hannah’s Heart and Love.  The idea is to create a non-profit whose goal is to help families through the tragedy of baby loss.  With Hannah’s Heart and Love, we want to be able to provide aids and resources for the families who have lost.  We also want to provide “recovery boxes” to help the new mommy who is on the mend.  Finally it is also our goal to raise awareness and to educate people that baby loss is real and that it is not just something that will go away with time. 

In order for us to be able to help others, we need your help.  We are currently in the process of getting this non-profit off the ground.  The money that we are hoping to raise will be to help us pay for all of the fees and costs associated with starting such a venture, as well as used to help create packages and print materials to be used to help spread the word, educate people, and get our resource into the hands of those in need.  We have gone through this tragedy, but we don’t want our loss to just be the end of things.  We want to be able to take this bad experience and use it to help others.  Please help us to bring support, healing, and education to the people who need it.  We thank you in advance for your support. 

Losing our first and only child was one of the hardest things we have ever had to deal with as a couple.  It was full of heart ache, confusion, sadness, anger, and so many other emotions that making a list is nearly impossible.  When we first received the news that Hannah had some things that would make her chances of survival slim, we were lost.  What made this even harder is that there was really no where we could turn.  During the time from when we found out and even after she had passed away, there seemed to be a general lack of knowledge and support for us to turn towards.  Of course we had the support of our family and friends, but there were minimal resources available to help us.

Losing Hannah created a whole list of things that we now had thrown at us and didn’t know how to handle.  How do we handle such grief?  How do we explain ourselves to people?  How do we go home from the hospital with empty arms?  How do we plan a funeral and how do we pay for it?  This is just a few of the things that started going through our heads.  We had no answers, no where to look for answers and were forced to start working on these things on our own. 

Before we lost Hannah, we could never fully understand what it is like to lose a child.  We didn’t realize how real and painful this is.  There is a general lack of education and conversation about this topic.  People do not have a true understanding of everything that this tragic situation brings with it.  Many people, it seems just assume it all just goes away.  They think that people just move on and that it’s like nothing ever happened.     It is not just a minor thing that passes or fades.  I know this and feel this every time I see a baby or see an outfit or a photo frame or hear about people expecting because I know that at the end of the day, we had to go home without our baby.  The pain that we feel every day is absolutely real.  Our daughter is absolutely real. 

It is because of all of these reasons that we decided that we wanted to start Hannah’s Heart and Love.  The idea is to create a non-profit whose goal is to help families through the tragedy of baby loss.  With Hannah’s Heart and Love, we want to be able to provide aids and resources for the families who have lost.  We also want to provide “recovery boxes” to help the new mommy who is on the mend.  Finally it is also our goal to raise awareness and to educate people that baby loss is real and that it is not just something that will go away with time. 

In order for us to be able to help others, we need your help.  We are currently in the process of getting this non-profit off the ground.  The money that we are hoping to raise will be to help us pay for all of the fees and costs associated with starting such a venture, as well as used to help create packages and print materials to be used to help spread the word, educate people, and get our resource into the hands of those in need.  We have gone through this tragedy, but we don’t want our loss to just be the end of things.  We want to be able to take this bad experience and use it to help others.  Please help us to bring support, healing, and education to the people who need it.  We thank you in advance for your support. 

 

 

Medication - Am I Crazy?

**Always consult your Doctor about taking medication or about stopping the medication. This post is my own experience and for informational purposes only and not to replace the advice and direction of your Doctor.


The day after I gave birth to Hannah (on Christmas Eve) via emergency c-section my Doctor came to check on me and give me the basic rules of recovery. She wrote out multiple prescriptions (and actually dropped them off for us at the Pharmacy) including pain medicine, prenatal vitamins, iron, colace, Zoloft, and Ativan. Wait... Zoloft and Ativan?! By the expression on my face she knew I didn't want to take those. However, I have an anxiety disorder. I haven't taken anxiety medicine for years. I don't like to. I have learned various technics to help control it. I rarely had panic attacks. So why did I need these two medications? I can control this! My Doctor told me that I don't have to take them but she highly recommended it because of the situation and my anxiety disorder. She explained that I could just take an Ativan as needed (up to three times a day) and it will work right away. She then explained that Zoloft should be taken once a day but will take two weeks to get into my system.

I was initially against taking medication. I can grieve like a "normal" person. I'm not crazy. I can still control it. But I couldn't control it and I couldn't grieve like a "normal" person. My emotions were escalated. Nights were extremely hard. I was left alone with my thoughts and there were so many running through my mind all at once. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. It wasn't until the day after Christmas that I decided to start Zoloft and take Ativan during extreme times of an anxiety attack. Zoloft didn't take effect until the day of Hannah's funeral. I felt like I was finally starting to grieve "normally."

I can barely imagine how I would be without Zoloft and Ativan. It definitely does no come close to making me numb towards my feelings. They just allow me to grieve in a healthy way. I'm not crazy for taking either medication and neither are you. It's ok. Do not be ashamed of taking any type if medication after the loss of your baby. I'm not longer ashamed. There are many things in life we can't control and some of us need a little help to grieve "normally." There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make us failures. It does define us. We need to grieve. We need to take our time and not rush our grief. If you need medication just every so often, every single day, weeks, months, years, or the rest of your life, it's ok.

 

Don't be afraid to talk to your Doctor. Also, don't be afraid to talk to your pastor, counselor, spiritual leader, etc. about taking medication. Sometimes we need a little extra support from others and to acknowledge that it's ok.

 

 

 

Three Months Old Today

Today our sweet Hannah would have been three months old. There's not a day that goes by that we don't think of her. Spring is very bittersweet and so is visiting her grave.

She should be here to enjoy the colors of Spring. And her due date is approaching in April <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">
~ Our Christmas and Spring Baby Always ~

Mommy and Daddy love you so much Hannah.

CHOP - Autopsy Results

Last Thursday my husband and I met with my high risk CHOP doctor to go over Hannah's autopsy results. We had already been given a copy, but we aren't doctors and needed to hear everything from the doctor.

We weren't there long. The doctor took us back right away to her office and confirmed what we all expected, Hannah had Turner Syndrome. Her 45, X chromosome was completely deleted. All of her conditions/medical issues all were caused by Turner Syndrome. The severity of Hannah's Turner Syndrome was extremely rare. My doctors actually told us that most other fatal diagnosis' couldn't even compare to Hannah's fatal diagnosis. So, that fact that she only had Turner Syndrome and nothing else was a little surprising to us and the doctors.

Hannah was and still is our miracle. That fact that she lived into her 24th week is a miracle. I'm so proud to be her mommy and call her my daughter.

p.s.
A fatal diagnosis is devastating for any parent. In the end when our baby dies it doesn't matter the severity of the fatal diagnosis, if it was expected, if it was a shock, due to a fatal diagnosis, or no explanation at all. There is still a precious and innocent life that is lost. This is just my story and my journey.

Back to CHOP Again

This afternoon we go back to CHOP, but instead of trying to help our baby we are going to officially hear the results of our baby's autopsy. It a strange feeling. Our baby shouldn't have had an autopsy. She should have been growing inside me and making her arrival around Easter. But instead she passed away and an autopsy was performed.

Jason and I have a copy of the autopsy. We got it the day it was finished about two weeks ago. The only chromosomal issue is the deletion of the 45, X chromosome (Turner Syndrome) which was completely expected. It also lists in detail everything that was wrong that we were already told. I don't want them to tell me again everything that was wrong with Hannah. I've heard it from doctors over and over again. Turner Syndrome is not hereditary so I don't want to meet them for them to tell us that. But maybe it will be good for me to hear. Maybe it will give some closure on her health.

On top of it all my doctor at CHOP told me when we were there for a second opinion that I could contact her personally with any questions or concerns. So the next day I emailed her. I never heard from her again. She read the email then went behind my back and called my OB/GYN and told her about the email. I'm dealing with some forgiveness issues. This doctor had good bedside manner but lied to me. I'd rather she not offer me to contact her than for her to offer it then just ignore me. I'm asking for God's help so I can forgive her. I'm in a much better place today than I was a week ago with it.



© The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia

There's No Getting Over It

"Move forward"
"Get over it"
"Move on"
and the list goes on...

I couldn't get pregnant for over three years. I got pregnant only to be told she's "not the best baby" and to terminate, because she will die anyway. I carried Hannah for six months. I was sick all six months and was on medication to control it. I risked my life to carry hers. She died and was delivered two days before Christmas. I had to bury her... I had to bury my first and only child. Do you know what it's like to be told your baby is "not the best baby?" What it's like to be told to kill your baby? What it's like to have your baby die? What it's like to deliver a baby only to hear the painful sound of nothing? What it's like to plan your baby's funeral? To decide on the plot your baby will be buried in? Most people will never understand what it's like to walk in my shoes and I pray they never will.

Yet people still think they have a right to make those statements. It doesn't matter if they are said with good intentions or not. If they are said by friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances, or strangers. How can anyone make those statements after everything I've gone through. I'm still so fresh in my grief. I'm still adjusting to my "new normal." This can never be fixed. Hannah died and that can never ever be changed. Time won't change that. The only thing time will change is my ability to adjust to the emptiness and sadness that I will always carry with me, my "new normal." There is no "getting over it."

I will not rush my grief for anyone. I will mourn and grieve in the ways that help me adjust and bring some healing. It hasn't even been two months since we buried Hannah. If you don't like it or disagree etc. just keep it to yourself. I don't expect people to understand, but I do expect people to be sensitive.

For those mommies and daddies who have walked a similar path as me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the loss of your sweet baby(s). I'm sorry that people make those statements to you. I'm sorry you are left to figure out how to adjust to this "new normal."

 "My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word" Psalm 119:28 NIV

I Forgot I Wasn't Pregnant Anymore

It's heartbreaking to touch my belly only to remember that I'm not pregnant anymore. That Hannah is no longer with us on this earth. It's has happened multiple times and it's equally heartbreaking every single time. She should still be there growing inside me and preparing to be born into this world. She should still be able to hear my voice and my laughter. I miss being pregnant with her. Every so often I still feel her move like everything is ok. I wish those phantom movements were real. Instead, it's all an extra reminder of what should have been. It breaks my husband's heart when I tell him.

No one told me I would forget for a split second that I wasn't pregnant anymore. No one told me that I would still "feel her move."

But for those split seconds of forgetting and phantom movements, I feel the joy I had when her heart was still beating inside.

 

This Just Sucks!

This just sucks, plain and simple. Losing my baby sucks. Learning to live without my baby sucks. This whole entire situation sucks.

It hurts emotionally and physically. My heart literally aches. My arm literally aches. I just want to hold her. I just want to show her my love. I just want her here. There are times I just break down and literally have no control over it. It's happened during church, at a musical, at the mall, watching tv, laying in bed, and many others places. There are terrible days I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. There are ok days when I enjoy moments throughout the day. There are days that are a mixture. I can easily talk about Hannah's health, but there are other things I can't mention or barely think about without breaking down.

It doesn't matter how strong we are, if we take medicine to help with the emotional pain, if we are young moms or older moms or moms in between, if we are religious, if we have other living children, if we have support, losing our babies sucks. It's that simple.

As mommies and daddies of baby loss we are allowed to say it sucks, to have bad days, bad moments, to grieve and mourn. Our lives have been forever changed and it will never be the same.

Psalm 34:18          
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

 

The Love of Strangers

Our world started crashing down around us. We were pressured to terminate our baby, told that she wasn't the "best" and wouldn't live long anyway.  We didn't know if we should tell people or keep it private. We decided to tell people and ask for prayers for our precious baby. I'm so glad we did. The outpouring of love from people that I have never met was amazing. Friends of friends of friends sent private messages letting us know they were praying and how their heart ached for us. Other mommies who had been through the loss of a child offered comfort, help, and support. We were connected with a couple who had a similar situation happen (Their daughter is alive and is 2 years old. Praise God!). The father of that little girl is a pastor and did the sermon at our daughters funeral. We met him face to face that day.

It gave me comfort, it gave me hope, and it gave me the message that they cared even if they had never met us. It didn't take the pain away, but it helped us continue to walk through it. God sent those strangers to us to be a comfort, if only for a moment. The sincere love that was given by people we never met was just amazing. I can barely put it into words to explain the impact it had on us and how much it meant to us. They reached out in our time of great need with open arms and open hearts. We thank them from the bottom of ours.

 

Two Months Old Today

Today our baby girl Hannah would have been two months old. We miss and love her so much. It feels like so long ago, yet the pain is still so fresh and raw.

Mommy and Daddy love you, our sweet Hannah.

 

The Story Behind the Giraffe

The giraffe is Hannah's animal. Every time I see a giraffe I think of her. I have the urge to purchase every giraffe stuffed animal I see and every baby item that has a giraffe. I'm able to control myself sometimes and other times I just give in. Most people know the giraffe is Hannah's animal.

Recently, I have been asked the story behind the Giraffe as her animal and how that came to be. To be honest it was completely unintentional and it evolved on its own and it evolved fast. After we received the devastating news for the second time at CHOP, we knew that we wanted to have a 3D/4D ultrasound done. We wanted to have this done when we first found our we were expecting before the devastating news. But now we knew we had to schedule it right away because we didn't know how much time Hannah had left with us on this earth.

We were able to get an appointment for December 19th, 2013 at 1pm in the afternoon. We invited our parents and siblings to come. At this point we weren't 100% sure that Hannah was a girl, but based on the anomalies she most likely was. Jason's parents and sister were able to attend and so was my mom. It was wonderful seeing Hannah on the screen, but unfortunately (except for the back of her head, neck, and ears) we weren't able to see her in 3D. She was positioned with her face in the placenta and facing my back with her legs under her body. That meant we weren't able to see her gender either. After seeing her, seeing her heartbeat, and hearing her heartbeat and multiple attempts to get her to move the session ended. The owners of InnerView Ultrasound were so nice and knew the whole situation and why we were there in Hannah's 23rd week. They offered for us to come back again on January 2nd, 2014 and we quickly agreed. They were aware that something could happen sooner than anyone wanted to admit.

We knew that we wanted a stuffed animal with Hannah's heartbeat inside and now with the fatal diagnosis we wanted to get our mothers each a stuffed animal with her heartbeat for Christmas. I had a strong feeling that we should all pick out the stuffed animals that day and not wait. This was an extremely emotional time, especially for our mothers and they picked out the stuffed animal that would hold their granddaughters heartbeat. They had many cute stuffed animals and all different sizes. Jason's mom picked out an adorable white bunny. My mom picked out a sweet lamb, because that is what she did my nursery theme when I was a baby. Even as I type this I'm fighting back the tears and I'm barely winning. I really liked a pink bunny that I saw, but I didn't want to get it for the slim chance that she wasn't a girl. Then we saw the giraffe. It was adorable. We instantly wanted that one. We were surprised that we were so confident and chose a giraffe. The giraffe is not our favorite animal, but we needed and wanted that one for our precious baby. The giraffe still didn't become Hannah's official animal. We had no intention of it being the giraffe. We had no idea Hannah would have an official animal.

That following Sunday on December 22nd, 2013 we were Christmas shopping and I wanted to make sure we bought a special blanket for Hannah to be wrapped in when she was born (here come the tears again). I wasn't sure what I wanted, but I knew it had to be special and I would know it when I saw it. I personally didn't want to go to a Target or a Walmart etc. (nothing wrong if you choose or chose to, this was just my personal preference. I love Target!). We are lucky enough to have had a small Carter's store open us near us and I wanted to go there. It was so hard walking in that store knowing that Hannah could never wear any of these adorable and tiny outfits. After a few minutes I saw the perfect blanket. It was a swaddle blanket covered in giraffes. I had to get it. It was perfect. Then my eyes instantly went to the security blanket next to the giraffe print blanker. The security blanket was white with a white a giraffe and on the side it read, "Mommy loves me." I had to have them both. I handed them to Jason to buy. I could barely hold back the tears. I couldn't stay in the store any longer and had to walk outside and wait for Jason. I walked a few feet away from the store and just cried. In those moments Hannah's animal officially became the giraffe. We couldn't be happier and we love how special this has become to us and how it happened organically. We didn't need to say a word to our close friend and family. They just knew when Hannah was born the next day and saw the giraffe blanket she was wrapped in and the giraffe security blanket snuggled with her.



Hannah's giraffe security blanket we got her the day before she passed away and was born.

My close friend came to visit me and gave me the cutest TY Beanie Ballz giraffe named Tippy! It's missing one of its ears. It wasn't torn off or anything. Tippy simply didn't have that one. This made Tippy even more special because even though she's not perfect according to the world's standard she's still perfect to me, just like Hannah is. My close friend also gave me a keepsake necklace in memory of Hannah complete with a mommy and baby giraffe for Christmas. To celebrate Hannah's birthday we bought baby giraffes to put on and with her birthday cake. We will use them with her birthday cake every year. I made a Christmas stocking for Hannah with a giraffe and a giraffe patterned heart on it and we will hang it for her every Christmas. The outfit Hannah was buried in wasn't fancy or girly. It was a micro preemie onesie that had giraffes (and other safari animals) on it. I bought the exact same giraffe blanket, that she was wrapped in the day she was born, so she could be wrapped and buried in the giraffe blanket that matched. We included a drawing of a baby giraffe in Hannah's funeral programs too. I couldn't part with the one she was wrapped in at the hospital. Now we each have one. To celebrate Hannah's monthly birthdays for the first year and her yearly birthday every year after that, we use a chalkboard with a cute giraffe sticker on it.

We talked to our close friend and family how funny it is how the giraffe just became Hannah's official animal. We wouldn't have it any other way. Hannah knew her favorite animal from the start.



 

 

 

 

 

How do I be a mother to my child... when my only child is in Heaven?

 

Hannah is my only child. I have so much love to give her. I have a deep instinct to mother her and show her unconditional love. Right after Hannah passed away I struggled with being a mother with my only baby in Heaven. It was a gut wrenching feeling. Most people can't understand and I pray they never can. It still hurts and I'm still trying to figure it out. And in reality it can never be fully figured out, because Hannah is in Heaven. Many of my friends recently became first time moms. First, let me say I'm so happy for them! I do look at the photos they share and I pray they never experience the loss of their child at any age.

Hannah's First Christmas Dress

With a new baby comes much excitement. Everything is a new experience for that baby. Parents take monthly pictures of their babies celebrating "1 month", "2 months", and so on. They also buy "My First ___" outfits and accessories. But when your baby dies these things are taken away. But why should they be taken from us? Why can't we still celebrate our baby's life? I decided that Hannah's life deserves to be celebrated and I deserve to be a mother to her still. I decided that I am going to celebrate her life every month for the first year. Just like mothers of living babies do. I also decided I'm going to celebrate her life by getting her the "My First ___" outfits and accessories. Just like mothers of living babies do.

Hannah's 1 Month Old Sticker and Outfit



In beginning, I was scared and nervous that this was just an awful idea. That it might make things worse than they already are. But it's been the exact opposite. It is bittersweet but it's a wonderful experience at the same time. I'm giving myself the experience of being a first time mom by picking out adorable items for my daughter. Enjoying my first baby. It will never be the same but its all I have and I refuse to let it go or to let someone take that away.

 

 

The Bib Hannah's Daddy Picked Out for Her