How do I be a mother to my child... when my only child is in Heaven?

 

Hannah is my only child. I have so much love to give her. I have a deep instinct to mother her and show her unconditional love. Right after Hannah passed away I struggled with being a mother with my only baby in Heaven. It was a gut wrenching feeling. Most people can't understand and I pray they never can. It still hurts and I'm still trying to figure it out. And in reality it can never be fully figured out, because Hannah is in Heaven. Many of my friends recently became first time moms. First, let me say I'm so happy for them! I do look at the photos they share and I pray they never experience the loss of their child at any age.

Hannah's First Christmas Dress

With a new baby comes much excitement. Everything is a new experience for that baby. Parents take monthly pictures of their babies celebrating "1 month", "2 months", and so on. They also buy "My First ___" outfits and accessories. But when your baby dies these things are taken away. But why should they be taken from us? Why can't we still celebrate our baby's life? I decided that Hannah's life deserves to be celebrated and I deserve to be a mother to her still. I decided that I am going to celebrate her life every month for the first year. Just like mothers of living babies do. I also decided I'm going to celebrate her life by getting her the "My First ___" outfits and accessories. Just like mothers of living babies do.

Hannah's 1 Month Old Sticker and Outfit



In beginning, I was scared and nervous that this was just an awful idea. That it might make things worse than they already are. But it's been the exact opposite. It is bittersweet but it's a wonderful experience at the same time. I'm giving myself the experience of being a first time mom by picking out adorable items for my daughter. Enjoying my first baby. It will never be the same but its all I have and I refuse to let it go or to let someone take that away.

 

 

The Bib Hannah's Daddy Picked Out for Her