This New Life

by Ashley Bowman

February 1st marked six months since I said hello then goodbye to my angel, Bentley. 6 MONTHS. It seems like such a short amount of time when you think about the length of a whole human life, but it's an excruciatingly long time when you are missing someone every second, of every day.  I have come to find that grief and that incredibly painful ache I feel every day living without my son only gets worse with time. Probably because every day is one day longer that it has been since I kissed him and held him. I already feel like he is quickly disappearing from our lives. Other than pictures and a few mementos, there is no sign that he was ever here. It kills me to know that I will never have anything more of him than I do now. I will never get take his picture as I  see him off on his first day of kindergarten or see his first steps. None of that, it has all been taken from us for reasons we will never know or understand. Everything happens for a reason has no part in baby loss.

My Baby is Missing

by Heather Kimble

 

What can I do?

 

What can I say?

 

I'm done.

 

I'm tired of feeling this way.

What to say when you don't know what to say

It has been a really long time since I have posted a blog post.  I think that the reason that it has been so long is because I just don't know what to say.  I had reached a point in my grief a little while back where I thought that things were just "fixed."  I thought that I was at a point where I had moved into a place where I felt like this was something that I had dealt with and had "made peace" with.  I was wrong.

Back to School

I seems to me that with every changing season, I am faced with the reality of the loss I have gone through.  I don't think that I realized this until now, and I am sure that this sort of thing is common with other types of loss, but going through it now it has become much more clear. 

One of The Reasons

 

When we lost our daughter in December of 2013, my wife and I knew that we wanted to do something to help others who were faced with the same difficult tragedy that we had just gone through.  We wanted to be able to provide people with help and support.  We wanted to be a place people could turn to when they felt that there was no one they could look to for help.

That is part of why we are doing it.  The other part is the awareness piece.  People do not realize that this sort of thing happens as often as it does.  And when it does happen, they don't know how to react.  For some reason, they view the loss of a child as different then another type of loss.  I am not sure why, but people seem to think that in the case of stillbirth, miscarriage, or fatal diagnosis, it is something different than any other loss or death people face in there lives. 

Let me give an example.  Imagine a close friend dies.  You are at the funeral and of course it is an experience you wouldn't wish on anyone.  You feel lost.  You feel hurt.  You feel like the world has stopped turning.  Then you see another friend or maybe a family member approaching you.  They are here to comfort you and be there for you.  They walk up to you and say, "Are you going to try having friends again?  I hope you do.  You can't let this stop you from having friends.  And at least you are able to make new friends."  How would that make you feel?  Wouldn't you be terribly offended?  Of course you would.  When you lose a baby, these are the things that people say to you.  They mean well.  They think that it's the appropriate thing to say.  But maybe I don't want another child.  Maybe I want my daughter back. 

It is because of this mindset that we feel a need to raise awareness.  It is because people don't wish my wife a Happy Mother's Day.  It is because people don't see the loss as the same.  We are still parents.  We are still grieving the loss of our daughter.  Maybe we didn't "know her" in the physical sense of having spent years with her.  But we did know her.  She is a part of us.  She is a part of our family.  It is no different than when you lose anyone else that is close to you. 

Maybe it's the idea that because the child was unborn, there was not that same connection.  But most people who have children, whether they lost them or they are still alive, know that the connection is there.  A mother who is pregnant knows and feels they baby.  A father knows that child.  And there is the anticipation as well.  You wait for 9 months for this child to come in to the world.  You start building a life around this child.  You start setting up a room, start changing your lifestyle to accommodate for this new addition.  Now you come home with empty arms.  This is not something you just walk away from. 

The reason we need to do this, the reason awareness needs raised is to help people to understand that this is a loss.  We need to help people realize that this is hard and painful and that this child can never be replaced.  If we raise awareness, we can help people to know how hard it is for a family to go through this.  We can help people know that because this is real, there are things that should and should not be said.  It is hard enough for these families to go through baby loss, having people who understand and can be a support will only help them.  This is one of the reasons why we want to do this. 

Happy 4th of July?

 

Happy 4th of July to all of you! 

This is generally one of the times of the year I would really enjoy.  There's fireworks, barbecues, street fairs, the weather is great and there is tons of great food to eat.  However, this year as holidays come and go, they tend to be very bittersweet.  What used to be a time of celebration has now become a reminder of what "should have been."  Today, I should be taking my daughter to Good Neighbor Day at Kerr Park.  It should be her first 4th of July.  She should be having her first experience with fireworks, which I am sure would be a little scary for a baby.  But I don't get this experience at all.  Instead I get reminded that my daughter is gone. 

Permanent Grief and Sadness

Once a person goes through all 5 stages of grief, that doesn't mean these stages will not appear again in the future. Sometimes certain stages will take longer to work through. There's no time limit. It's important to go through each stage and not try to avoid them, no a matter how painful or uncomfortable they may be. I believe that grief and this sadness will never go away.

Healing My Grieving Heart - Practical Ideas

I purchased the book Healing Your Grieving Heart After Stillbirth - 100 Practical Ideas for Parents and Families by Alan D. Wolfelt and Raelynn Maloney a couple of months ago. I thought I wanted to start these healing activities right away, but I was wrong. I couldn't bring myself to do any of them.
I read through it here and there, but I didn't have the strength to actually do the activities. It's not because they are bad or useless. I love that this book gives practical ideas to do. I needed this. I need to do this. I just needed to wait until I was ready and could put my whole heart into these activities.

Inspired by...

 As some of you may or may not know, I am an artist.  I do lots of different types of art, paintings, etc. After Hannah had passed away, Heather had suggested I paint or do some kind of art inspired by her that we could have around the house.  It took me a while to get myself in a place where I could do it.  At first I wasn't even sure I wanted to.  I don't know why, but it just felt off.  How could I make something beautiful or even nice?

When Heather started this blog and started working on the ideas of the non-profit, she suggested that maybe I could do a small piece for a few women that she had met through the site.  She said it was something she thought I could sell through my art site and it could be a nice keepsake for parents who have suffered loss as well as raise some money for the non-profit.  I started toying with ideas.  A few weeks later she asked me to do some specifically and I did.  At first it was weird, then it became more liberating.  I felt like I was doing something important.  I even did 2 pieces for Heather in honor of our daughter.  This is how the empty arms project started. 

What it's like part 2

So I thought I would cheat a little.  I want to talk about something that piggy backs on to what I had written last week about the insensitive comparisons people make.  The day after I posted my piece, I saw something on Facebook that had was a news story being shared by the local news station.  The story was about pet memorials.  The teaser for the piece read something to the affect that our pets are like our children and losing them is like losing a child.  Of course I was offended by reading it.  I thought to myself, "How can they write something like that without thinking."  This is not just something that would be offensive to me or offensive to people in my situation.  What if your child was a soldier killed in battle?  Would they make that comparison?  But it seemed no one had thought about it.  At first I was just going to let it go.  Chalk it up to another one of those "dumb things people say."  I was going to let it roll off my back and not let it be something that bothered me.  But then I realized, if no one ever says anything how can we expect it to be fixed in the future?

What it's like...

Life is full of difficult situations.  I realize that in comparison to losing my first child, most other issues seem to pale in comparison.  I don't get as upset about the little things any more because I have been through the worst possible thing I can imagine.  I also realize that if a person has never gone through this tragedy they are not going to fully understand what it is to go through it.  I hope that people who never have gone through it never will.  That being said, I also wish people would learn to think before they speak.

I am not asking people to walk around on eggshells for me.  I am not even asking people to remember what I have gone through and think about it before they say things to me.

A Father's Grief

When Heather and I lost Hannah, it created a whirlwind of emotions.  We went through all sorts of anger, sadness, grief, and so much more.  But through all of this, I observed something.  Fathers and Mothers go through very different kinds of grief.  I know there are things that are similar and we have both lost, but there is something that is different about it as a Father. 

Asking for Help- Victoria's Story

There have been a lot of serious conversations taking place in my household over the last two weeks. In my last post, I discussed how Jason and I are discussing the possibilities we may be facing:

1. Getting pregnant on our own
2. Getting pregnant through the use of fertility medications
3. Getting pregnant through IUI or IVF

If these options fail or we reach a point where we have decided it's enough, then we have to consider:

1. Going through genetic testing to determine if there is a genetic issue
2. Getting pregnant with the help of an egg donor (friend or unknown)
3. Surrogacy- private or through a friend
4. Adoption- private or through foster care

When Your Grief is Minimized

I pray this doesn't happen to you, but the sad truth is it probably will at some point or another.

I don't mean strangers or acquaintances minimizing your grief. I'm talking about those closest to you. Those who seemed to try to understand, who sympathized, who were sensitive, who gave their support, who were affected by the loss of your baby in a very personal way. Those are the people I am talking about.

A Father's Perspective

A few weeks ago Heather asked me if I would be willing to write for the blog on Fridays and give a father's perspective when it comes to baby loss.  When I agreed to do it, I wasn't really sure what I would write about.  What could I write about?  What perspective do I have to share that could be helpful? 

The world views a father very differently when it comes to the loss of a child then they do a mother.  The loss is much more intimate for a mother, as she has carried the baby.  Even now, I find that most people when they see me often ask "How is your wife?"  As men, we are expected to move on and that it will not have a long lasting effect on us. 

Hannah's Due Date - April 19th, 2014 - The Day Before Easter

April has been hard and this past week has been extremely hard. Right after Hannah passed away I saw other baby loss moms post how hard it was to cope as they approached their babys due date. In the beginning I didn't quite understand it. Would April 19th, 2014 really be that huge and painful for me?

When Enough is Too Much- Victoria's Story

There is so much that happens in your life after a loss, things you never even *think* about. I promised Heather and all of you when I joined that I would be 100% honest and share everything, good and bad, easy and difficult.

The last two days have been d.i.f.f.i.c.u.l.t. Both days ended in tears and little sleep after hard conversations with my husband. If you had asked me five years ago if I would ever have to discuss the possibility of us not having our own children, I probably would have looked at you as though you had five heads.

Not have our own children?.....

Friendship- Victoria's Story

I have mentioned before, and it comes as no surprise, everyone grieves differently. In the end, however, we all need someone to lean on, to help us get through our darkest days. I always have my husband, but since he grieves differently (which I discussed here), sometimes it is better for both of us if I have someone else to talk to.

Update #2 - Hidden Unforgiveness/Forgiving Others - Day 36

I just wanted to take a moment and update all of you on my struggle to forgive. It's not easy and I struggled. To be honest I still struggle, but I have come to the point of forgiving one of the people I was so deeply hurt by. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. That doesn't mean I wasn't disappointed. That doesn't mean that what they did/didn't do was right or kind. It simply means I forgive them for the pain they caused me. I release the anger I have been harboring inside towards this person. I obey God by forgiving. If God can forgive me and all of my sins who am I to never forgive someone that has hurt me? The road to forgiveness isn't always easy. At some point the realization comes that it's not about me and them. It's about me and God. It's about me releasing the anger for my own health, physically and emotionally.

I pray that the Lord will help me to forgive others in my life that have hurt me deeply.




Forgiving; to pardon or acquit, to cease to feel resentment against

Forgiveness is the fragrance a violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

                                 

- Mark Twain

 

 

 

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.

- Author Unknown

 

 

 

When somebody you've wronged forgives you, you're spared the dull and self-diminishing throb of a guilty conscience. When you forgive somebody who has wronged you, you're spared the dismal corrosion of bitterness and wounded pride.

 
- Frederick Buechner

 

 

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive and the Lord forgave you.

 

Colossians 3:13

 



 

 

Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing.

 Luke 23:34

 

 

Search me, O God, and know my heart: test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

 

Psalm 139:23-24 

 

 

God will enable you to forgive when you place your confidence in His ability. Read Isaiah 41:10 and Philippians 4:13. Say, "God, thank You for exposing my unforgiveness toward                                                                         . I forgive                                                                                  for                                                                                                                           ." 

 

Write these words in red letters over your list of names. Tear up the paper and throw it away.

Hope in the Midst of Tough Times - Day 35

Good days.

Bad days.

God is in all days.

 

- Max Lucado

 

 

 

Psalm 121:1-3; Psalm 125:2; Psalm 63:7; Psalm 124:8

 

I look up to the hills, but where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let you be defeated. He who guards you never sleeps. * As the mountains surround Jerusalem, the Lord surrounds His people now and forever. * You are my help. Because of your protection, I sing. * Our help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

 

 

 

Genesis 37:23-25

 

So it came to pass, when Joseph had come to visit his brothers, that they stripped Joseph of his tunic, the tunic of many colors that was on him. Then they took him and cast him into a pit. And the pit was empty; there was no water in it. And they sat down to eat a meal.

 

 

 

Genesis 50:20

 

As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.

 

 

 

 

In God's hands intended evil becomes eventual good.

 

- Max Lucado

 

 

 

God as a Master Weaver, Master Builder. He redeemed the story of Joseph. Can't her redeem your story as well?

 

- Max Lucado