The Guilt of Joy

I was invited by Victoria back in April or May to go to a concert with her. Her husband gave her two tickets to see the Backstreet Boys (We both LOVE them!) for her upcoming birthday. I was so excited to asked me to go with her. I couldn't wait to go with her!

When Enough is Too Much- Victoria's Story

There is so much that happens in your life after a loss, things you never even *think* about. I promised Heather and all of you when I joined that I would be 100% honest and share everything, good and bad, easy and difficult.

The last two days have been d.i.f.f.i.c.u.l.t. Both days ended in tears and little sleep after hard conversations with my husband. If you had asked me five years ago if I would ever have to discuss the possibility of us not having our own children, I probably would have looked at you as though you had five heads.

Not have our own children?.....

Journey Through the Gallery of Praise - Day 29

Isaiah 65:17-18A

Behold I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind, But be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create.



1. The gallery of your life is filled with emotional paintings. Share about your painting for each of the stages of your journey - Hiding, Suffering, Questioning, and so on.

Hiding - A black hole painted with black, grays, and charcoal colors. Subtle hints of whites throughout - God is ALWAYS there.

Suffering -  The heart is broken into two pieces. It's covered in blood. The is empty, but the emptiness represents the excruciating pain. The heart is on a white background - God is ALWAYS there.

Questioning - A black question mark surrounding by all of my unanswered questions. God is ALWAYS there.

Forgiving - The sky over the ocean. The first half is bright, colorful, and beautiful as the sun is shining and the water sparkles. The second half is dark, void of most color, but in the corner the moonlight is shining, providing light in the darkness - God is ALWAYS there.

Relating - Two people embracing with a hug. Sometimes that is all that is needed - God is ALWAYS there.

Seeking - God's right hand reaching down from the Heavens to me; to hold my hand and guide me - God is ALWAYS there.



2. Now examine each painting. Do you see God there? Contemplate His strength in each of those areas. Praise Him for who He is. With your new eyes, perhaps a few new brush strokes are in order.

Holding Hands with Your Future - Day 28

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my right hand.



1. Is your past holding you captive from your future? If so, how?

I don't think so. I am continually taking steps forward. That's the only way to go. I struggle a lot and there are times I don't want to take anymore steps. This isn't easy and I refuse to leave Hannah in the past. She is apart of my past, present, and future.



2. God wants to strengthen you and help you. In what ways can you allow Him to hold your hand? In what ways can you allow others to hold your hand?

I have made the conscious decision the day Hannah was given a fatal diagnosis that I would not be angry at God. I knew I needed Him more than ever and I turned to Him. He is walking with me through this journey God understands my pain, fears, and anger.

I hate asking for help but I'm only human and I know I can't do this on my own. I have let people in. I allow people to follow me on this journey as I walk through it. Their prayers are powerful. People are holding my hand tightly every time they say a prayer for us, think of us, ask how we are, send a message, talk about Hannah, spend time with me, and talk to me.

Seeking

Seeking: to search for; request, aim, or try

Sorrow looks back,

Worry looks around,

Faith looks up.

 

Author Unknown

 

 

 

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

 

Matthew 7:7

 

 

 

Seek God in your darkness and He will be your light.

Seek God in your questions and He will be your answer.

Seek God in your anger and He will be your peace.

Seek God in your sorrow and He will be your comforter.

Seek God in your uncertainty and He will be your confidence.

Seek God in your sin and He will be your redeemer.

Seek God in your forgiveness and He will be your salvation.

Seek God in your salvation and He will be your eternity.

 

Kathe Wunnenberg

Seeing Beyond Your Cloud of Loss - Day 26

Jeremiah 29:11-14A

For I know the plans I have for you, "declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord.



1. Look at the cover of this book. What do you see in the clouds?

I see a baby's handprint. It's not perfect by it reminds me of Hannah's hands and handprints.



2. Jesus is the One who transforms lives. In what area(s) of your life physically, psychologically, socially, or spiritually has He transformed you the most through your loss.

 I think I have transformed the most socially and spiritually.



3. In what area do you still need to seek His hope?

Psychologically. I hurt so much. I just want Hannah back. Her due date is fast approaching and it hurts more and more everyday. I dread her due date and I dread every single day after that.



4. What plans do you sense God may have for you in the future?

To help others who are on the journey of baby loss. To let them know they are not alone. To let them know that aren't crazy. To let them know they are entitled to feel their emotions. To let them know they don't need to be ashamed of grieving their baby.

I also sense more children are in our future. I'm not sure if they will be biological children, adopted children or both. But no matter what they will be our children.



5. Read the verse at the beginning of this devotional and insert your name.

Why Do I Feel So guilty? - Day 13

Psalm 38-4

My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear.


Matthew 11:28

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.



1. How have you blamed yourself for the loss of your child?

When Hannah was first given the fatal diagnosis and we weren't sure what was going on I blamed myself. I was so sure I did something wrong like I took medicine to early in the pregnancy, I didn't drink enough water, and the list goes on. However, I've come to accept that nothing I did or didn't do caused this or could have prevented it. Hannah had an extreme form of Turner Syndrome and it is a completely random occurrence.

Though I do still feel guilty sometimes that I couldn't protect her. That I couldn't make her better. That the situation was completely out of my control. I'm her mother and I couldn't even save her.



2. Read aloud Isaiah 46:9-10, Matthew 10:29-30, and 2 Chronicles 20:6. God is sovereign. He has supreme authority and power. He controls everything. How does this truth change your perspective?

God is in control. He will use our tragedy to help others. My guilt is something that I will need to continue to work through. I will turn to God.



3. Write the above verses on three-by-five cards. When you sense you are replaying the guilt from your loss, stop... then look at the truth.