As some of you may or may not know, I am an artist. I do lots of different types of art, paintings, etc. After Hannah had passed away, Heather had suggested I paint or do some kind of art inspired by her that we could have around the house. It took me a while to get myself in a place where I could do it. At first I wasn't even sure I wanted to. I don't know why, but it just felt off. How could I make something beautiful or even nice?
When Heather started this blog and started working on the ideas of the non-profit, she suggested that maybe I could do a small piece for a few women that she had met through the site. She said it was something she thought I could sell through my art site and it could be a nice keepsake for parents who have suffered loss as well as raise some money for the non-profit. I started toying with ideas. A few weeks later she asked me to do some specifically and I did. At first it was weird, then it became more liberating. I felt like I was doing something important. I even did 2 pieces for Heather in honor of our daughter. This is how the empty arms project started.
There is so much that happens in your life after a loss, things you never even *think* about. I promised Heather and all of you when I joined that I would be 100% honest and share everything, good and bad, easy and difficult.
The last two days have been d.i.f.f.i.c.u.l.t. Both days ended in tears and little sleep after hard conversations with my husband. If you had asked me five years ago if I would ever have to discuss the possibility of us not having our own children, I probably would have looked at you as though you had five heads.
I have mentioned before, and it comes as no surprise, everyone grieves differently. In the end, however, we all need someone to lean on, to help us get through our darkest days. I always have my husband, but since he grieves differently (which I discussed here), sometimes it is better for both of us if I have someone else to talk to.
**Update! Hannah's Heart and Love is officially a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization as of September 1st, 2014. But we are still in desperate need of donations both monetary and item donations. Any and all support is so greatly appreciated.
Losing our first and only child was one of the hardest
things we have ever had to deal with as a couple.It was full of heart ache, confusion,
sadness, anger, and so many other emotions that making a list is nearly impossible.When we first received the news that Hannah
had some things that would make her chances of survival slim, we were
lost.What made this even harder is that
there was really no where we could turn.During the time from when we found out and even after she had passed
away, there seemed to be a general lack of knowledge and support for us to turn
towards.Of course we had the support of
our family and friends, but there were minimal resources available to help us.
Losing
Hannah created a whole list of things that we now had thrown at us and didn’t
know how to handle.How do we handle
such grief?How do we explain ourselves
to people?How do we go home from the
hospital with empty arms?How do we plan
a funeral and how do we pay for it?This
is just a few of the things that started going through our heads.We had no answers, no where to look for
answers and were forced to start working on these things on our own.
Before
we lost Hannah, we could never fully understand what it is like to lose a
child.We didn’t realize how real and
painful this is.There is a general lack
of education and conversation about this topic.People do not have a true understanding of everything that this tragic
situation brings with it.Many people,
it seems just assume it all just goes away.They think that people just move on and that it’s like nothing ever
happened.It is not just a minor thing
that passes or fades.I know this and
feel this every time I see a baby or see an outfit or a photo frame or hear
about people expecting because I know that at the end of the day, we had to go
home without our baby.The pain that we
feel every day is absolutely real.Our
daughter is absolutely real.
It is
because of all of these reasons that we decided that we wanted to start
Hannah’s Heart and Love.The idea is to
create a non-profit whose goal is to help families through the tragedy of baby
loss.With Hannah’s Heart and Love, we
want to be able to provide aids and resources for the families who have
lost.We also want to provide “recovery
boxes” to help the new mommy who is on the mend.Finally it is also our goal to raise
awareness and to educate people that baby loss is real and that it is not just
something that will go away with time.
In order
for us to be able to help others, we need your help.We are currently in the process of getting
this non-profit off the ground.The
money that we are hoping to raise will be to help us pay for all of the fees
and costs associated with starting such a venture, as well as used to help
create packages and print materials to be used to help spread the word, educate
people, and get our resource into the hands of those in need.We have gone through this tragedy, but we
don’t want our loss to just be the end of things.We want to be able to take this bad
experience and use it to help others.Please help us to bring support, healing, and education to the people
who need it.We thank you in advance for
your support.
Losing our first and only child was one of the hardest
things we have ever had to deal with as a couple.It was full of heart ache, confusion,
sadness, anger, and so many other emotions that making a list is nearly impossible.When we first received the news that Hannah
had some things that would make her chances of survival slim, we were
lost.What made this even harder is that
there was really no where we could turn.During the time from when we found out and even after she had passed
away, there seemed to be a general lack of knowledge and support for us to turn
towards.Of course we had the support of
our family and friends, but there were minimal resources available to help us.
Losing
Hannah created a whole list of things that we now had thrown at us and didn’t
know how to handle.How do we handle
such grief?How do we explain ourselves
to people?How do we go home from the
hospital with empty arms?How do we plan
a funeral and how do we pay for it?This
is just a few of the things that started going through our heads.We had no answers, no where to look for
answers and were forced to start working on these things on our own.
Before
we lost Hannah, we could never fully understand what it is like to lose a
child.We didn’t realize how real and
painful this is.There is a general lack
of education and conversation about this topic.People do not have a true understanding of everything that this tragic
situation brings with it.Many people,
it seems just assume it all just goes away.They think that people just move on and that it’s like nothing ever
happened.It is not just a minor thing
that passes or fades.I know this and
feel this every time I see a baby or see an outfit or a photo frame or hear
about people expecting because I know that at the end of the day, we had to go
home without our baby.The pain that we
feel every day is absolutely real.Our
daughter is absolutely real.
It is
because of all of these reasons that we decided that we wanted to start
Hannah’s Heart and Love.The idea is to
create a non-profit whose goal is to help families through the tragedy of baby
loss.With Hannah’s Heart and Love, we
want to be able to provide aids and resources for the families who have
lost.We also want to provide “recovery
boxes” to help the new mommy who is on the mend.Finally it is also our goal to raise
awareness and to educate people that baby loss is real and that it is not just
something that will go away with time.
In order
for us to be able to help others, we need your help.We are currently in the process of getting
this non-profit off the ground.The
money that we are hoping to raise will be to help us pay for all of the fees
and costs associated with starting such a venture, as well as used to help
create packages and print materials to be used to help spread the word, educate
people, and get our resource into the hands of those in need.We have gone through this tragedy, but we
don’t want our loss to just be the end of things.We want to be able to take this bad
experience and use it to help others.Please help us to bring support, healing, and education to the people
who need it.We thank you in advance for
your support.
"Most folks are as happy as they make up their mind to be"
Abraham Lincoln
There is a lot of truth to this quote. You can only be as happy as you decide to be. I don't know about you, but some days, it is really hard to decide to be happy. In fact, some days, I don't want to be happy. I don't want to force an emotion and a state of mind that I am just not able to occupy.
On days where I just can't seem to rise above the dark cloud, I turn to my "Happy Box". My Happy Box got officially created when Heather sent me the most beautiful card. Heather and I hadn't even met yet, she had just had Hannah's funeral when she found out I was miscarrying. Our husbands work together and had been discussing Heather's pregnancy and my issues for several months before Hannah passed, so while I knew about Heather, I had only seen her once in passing. I was so surprised when my husband came home with a card from Heather for me (although, now that I am getting to know Heather, I would not be the least bit surprised- she is truly that thoughtful and kind). While I will not share the exact wording of the card, her words gave me the validation I so desired, gave me a connection to someone who was (heartbreakingly) grieving the loss of a child, and made me remember that I am not alone.
I had kept items from each pregnancy, though haphazardly stored them in bags or cardboard boxes. When I got Heather's card, I knew I wanted to keep it close because it was the first thing that had made me smile since the miscarriage. I found a wooden box and put the card in it next to my bed, along with other items from my pregnancies and things that just generally made me smile. I decided I would open the box on days when I was particularly sad or in need of a reminder of how blessed I am.
The box has been an incredible lifesaver for me- I can reminisce, smile, and get lost in a million little things that make me happy- and it has never failed me. I would highly recommend to anyone Mother of Loss that you make a box like this.
Originally, I intended to share photos of each item in my box, but I just feel like some of them are too personal to me. You should have your own things that are unique and special to you. Instead, I will share with you what is in the box, and include several photos.
1) Heather's card- it reminds me I am never alone and that I have a friend I can turn to
2) My first positive pregnancy test- to some, this might sound a little crazy, but it gives me hope and takes me back to a time when I was carefree and so full of love and hope- and had none of the fear I do now.
3) A picture of Jason and I are on our wedding day- this helps me take myself out of current situation. Sometimes, it is so easy to focus on the here and now, that you forget who you are together as a couple. Looking at our picture, reminds me that together, we can do anything.
4) A picture of my parents and brother- I am so close with my family, but sometimes in a state of sadness, I feel very alone. Looking at their picture helps me remember how blessed I am to have an incredible and supportive family who is behind me every step of the way.
5) A picture of a sunset I took on our deck- one of the things that most relaxes me is sitting on our deck in the nice weather at night. We enjoy the sunset, feel the breeze off of the lake, listen to the wildlife, look at the moon and stars, and also watch the planes- we are directly under the flight path to the Philadelphia airport, so we see all of the planes approaching. There is something so peaceful, simple, and serene about a night like that. Just thinking about it helps me relax.
6) My first ultrasound picture- I am sharing this because it brings me so much joy. I carried 4 beautiful babies, and I actually got to see this baby. This reminds me how beautiful pregnancy is and how blessed I am to be able to get pregnant and experience such a a miracle.
7) A poem called: To the Child in my Heart-
O precious, tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.
We dreamed of you and of your life And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.
We never had the chance to play, To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.
I'll always be your mother.He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our child,
The child that we had.
But now you're gone...but yet you're here.
We sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy.
There's love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and strong.
We'll forget you never--The child we had, but never had,
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
bringing even infants to him that he might touch them. And when the disciples saw it, they rebuked them. But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.”
9) A smiley face magnet- because sometimes, all I need to smile is seeing that silly smile.
10) The coming home outfit Heather and I purchased together.
11) Seashells- these aren't just any seashells- they are from our honeymoon in Ocracoke, NC. It is our favorite place to vacation, and we have done so on several vacations. It was on our honeymoon that we made a lot of decisions about our family, and therefore, it holds a dear place in my heart.
12) Letters- I wrote a letter to myself and a letter to each of my babies. My box has all of the letters in envelopes (that remain unsealed so I can read them as I choose). The letter to myself is about staying strong, my reasons to carrying on, reminders of the hope and joy in my life, and most importantly- a list of all of the reasons that we are strong. Each letter to the babies details my pregnancy, my emotions, my love for them, fun tidbits about different milestones, a prayer for each of them, and a memorial of their life. Some people might be a bit put off about the letters, but they are exactly what I need. They may not be for you, and that is okay!
I have many other things in my box- stickers, drawings, cards, poems, pictures, etc- but those are the basics. I add to my box constantly and each time I open it, it is a reminder of how blessed I am and how many wonderful things there are in life to be happy about.
I would encourage any Mother of Loss to create her own box. It has been therapeutic, validating, and my strength when I just can't muster any.
Our world started crashing down around us. We were pressured to terminate our baby, told that she wasn't the "best" and wouldn't live long anyway. We didn't know if we should tell people or keep it private. We decided to tell people and ask for prayers for our precious baby. I'm so glad we did. The outpouring of love from people that I have never met was amazing. Friends of friends of friends sent private messages letting us know they were praying and how their heart ached for us. Other mommies who had been through the loss of a child offered comfort, help, and support. We were connected with a couple who had a similar situation happen (Their daughter is alive and is 2 years old. Praise God!). The father of that little girl is a pastor and did the sermon at our daughters funeral. We met him face to face that day.
It gave me comfort, it gave me hope, and it gave me the message that they cared even if they had never met us. It didn't take the pain away, but it helped us continue to walk through it. God sent those strangers to us to be a comfort, if only for a moment. The sincere love that was given by people we never met was just amazing. I can barely put it into words to explain the impact it had on us and how much it meant to us. They reached out in our time of great need with open arms and open hearts. We thank them from the bottom of ours.
Last night my husband and I decided to get coffee (chai for me!) together at Barnes and Nobles. We wanted to just give ourselves a break from everything and just relax and enjoy each others company. We expected to come home and just do our usual evening routine. As I walked to our porch I noticed a package from the post office. I had no idea who it was from or what was inside.
When I finally got the package inside I saw that it was from The Smallest Gift. I still wasn't sure what was inside, but I knew it was something in memory of Hannah (I forget things often since Hannah passed away. Eventually I remember them again). When I opened the package and saw what was inside I instantly remembered! A few weeks ago I requested a personalized baby blanket and a weighted heart in memory of Hannah. I was so happy to see them inside! They are beautiful! I couldn't wait to show Jason and take pictures of them. I absolutely love holding the heart. The heart weighs exactly what Hannah weighed when she was born, 1lb and 3oz. She was so tiny. I spent the evening with the heart rested on my chest. It's so nice to "feel" her. We can't thank The Smallest Gift enough for these wonderful gifts in memory of my Hannah. It is so wonderful that they take the time to do this for families who have lost their babies.
