What to say when you don't know what to say

It has been a really long time since I have posted a blog post.  I think that the reason that it has been so long is because I just don't know what to say.  I had reached a point in my grief a little while back where I thought that things were just "fixed."  I thought that I was at a point where I had moved into a place where I felt like this was something that I had dealt with and had "made peace" with.  I was wrong.

Back to School

I seems to me that with every changing season, I am faced with the reality of the loss I have gone through.  I don't think that I realized this until now, and I am sure that this sort of thing is common with other types of loss, but going through it now it has become much more clear. 

Asking for Help- Victoria's Story

There have been a lot of serious conversations taking place in my household over the last two weeks. In my last post, I discussed how Jason and I are discussing the possibilities we may be facing:

1. Getting pregnant on our own
2. Getting pregnant through the use of fertility medications
3. Getting pregnant through IUI or IVF

If these options fail or we reach a point where we have decided it's enough, then we have to consider:

1. Going through genetic testing to determine if there is a genetic issue
2. Getting pregnant with the help of an egg donor (friend or unknown)
3. Surrogacy- private or through a friend
4. Adoption- private or through foster care

Friendship- Victoria's Story

I have mentioned before, and it comes as no surprise, everyone grieves differently. In the end, however, we all need someone to lean on, to help us get through our darkest days. I always have my husband, but since he grieves differently (which I discussed here), sometimes it is better for both of us if I have someone else to talk to.

A Letter- Victoria's Story

Everyone has their own way of grieving. Some like to write poetry and listen to music, some like to create a memorial, some go through old photo albums filled with pictures, some write, and so much more.

I have several ways I deal with my grief, but my go-to is writing. I have a journal on my laptop where I just write whatever comes to me. I have an actual bound journal that I keep by my bed for thoughts and reflections. Both of these journals help me release what is inside of me and help me to find words when I feel completely lost and speechless.

This week has been a particularly hard week. I should be half-way through my pregnancy with my 4th Angel. I should be finding out if our precious baby was a boy or a girl. I should be planning a gender reveal party and kicking into high-gear with nursery decorating. I should be laughing at how big my belly is getting and how I am starting to get that pregnancy walk. I should be happy.

I sat down last night and wrote a letter to our 4th Angel, and I wanted to share it with you. Perhaps, as you are moving through your own grief, this letter will help you to find your own words and write for comfort and release.

My Angel,

You should be getting so big and strong in my womb- kicking your legs and stretching your arms. I should feel you moving as your Daddy and I push on my belly to watch you roll to go back to sleep. I should be finding out this week if you are a boy or a girl. No matter what though, we would be happy. You are perfect and you are ours.

Even though I never got to meet you or feel a kick, I knew you were there. I felt your presence and cherished every moment. You are still perfect and you are certainly still my child. I long to feel your kick and to see your chubby cheeks on the screen.

Maybe my pregnancy would have been tough- filled with sickness and back pain. I want you to know, I would choose to be sick every day for 40 weeks with glee to hold you in my arms.

My only comfort is knowing you are in Heaven with God. I know he holds you in his arms and you know a happiness unlike any found on Earth. While it comforts me to know you are with God, my heart still breaks because you are not with me. We are all God's children first, but I still longed to be your Mom and hold you in my arms. I wanted to rock you to sleep, tell you stories, buy you your first bike, see your face light up when you saw the ocean for the first time, and kiss away your tears.

I am only human and I struggle with God's plan. Being blessed with a child is a gift unlike any other. It is a miracle and an honor to be bestowed with the responsibility of being a Mother. Why take that away? What is the plan? I am trying so hard to walk this journey and not waiver in my faith- but it is not always easy.

I often wonder if you have met my Grandfathers and other family members. I get great comfort out of picturing my Grandfathers holding you tight and telling you all of their crazy stories. You will know everything there is to know about everything if you have met them. They are both great story-tellers. I have this picture of my Grandfathers holding you, wrapped in a soft yellow blanket, and smiling at you as they tell you about me. It brings me so much joy to think of you with them.

I want you to know that my love for you never stops- it only grows. I think of you every day and always will. I know I am blessed to have been chosen as your Mother, if only for a short time, but that doesn't stop my heart from aching.

I love you for always,

Your Mom.

Happiness Is- Victoria's Story

"Most folks are as happy as they make up their mind to be"

Abraham Lincoln

There is a lot of truth to this quote. You can only be as happy as you decide to be. I don't know about you, but some days, it is really hard to decide to be happy. In fact, some days, I don't want to be happy. I don't want to force an emotion and a state of mind that I am just not able to occupy.

On days where I just can't seem to rise above the dark cloud, I turn to my "Happy Box". My Happy Box got officially created when Heather sent me the most beautiful card. Heather and I hadn't even met yet, she had just had Hannah's funeral when she found out I was miscarrying. Our husbands work together and had been discussing Heather's pregnancy and my issues for several months before Hannah passed, so while I knew about Heather, I had only seen her once in passing. I was so surprised when my husband came home with a card from Heather for me (although, now that I am getting to know Heather, I would not be the least bit surprised- she is truly that thoughtful and kind). While I will not share the exact wording of the card, her words gave me the validation I so desired, gave me a connection to someone who was (heartbreakingly) grieving the loss of a child, and made me remember that I am not alone. 

I had kept items from each pregnancy, though haphazardly stored them in bags or cardboard boxes. When I got Heather's card, I knew I wanted to keep it close because it was the first thing that had made me smile since the miscarriage. I found a wooden box and put the card in it next to my bed, along with other items from my pregnancies and things that just generally made me smile. I decided I would open the box on days when I was particularly sad or in need of a reminder of how blessed I am.

The box has been an incredible lifesaver for me- I can reminisce, smile, and get lost in a million little things that make me happy- and it has never failed me. I would highly recommend to anyone Mother of Loss that you make a box like this.

Originally, I intended to share photos of each item in my box, but I just feel like some of them are too personal to me. You should have your own things that are unique and special to you. Instead, I will share with you what is in the box, and include several photos.

1) Heather's card- it reminds me I am never alone and that I have a friend I can turn to

2) My first positive pregnancy test- to some, this might sound a little crazy, but it gives me hope and takes me back to a time when I was carefree and so full of love and hope- and had none of the fear I do now.

3) A picture of Jason and I are on our wedding day- this helps me take myself out of current situation. Sometimes, it is so easy to focus on the here and now, that you forget who you are together as a couple. Looking at our picture, reminds me that together, we can do anything.

4) A picture of my parents and brother- I am so close with my family, but sometimes in a state of sadness, I feel very alone. Looking at their picture helps me remember how blessed I am to have an incredible and supportive family who is behind me every step of the way.

5) A picture of a sunset I took on our deck- one of the things that most relaxes me is sitting on our deck in the nice weather at night. We enjoy the sunset, feel the breeze off of the lake, listen to the wildlife, look at the moon and stars, and also watch the planes- we are directly under the flight path to the Philadelphia airport, so we see all of the planes approaching. There is something so peaceful, simple, and serene about a night like that. Just thinking about it helps me relax.

6) My first ultrasound picture- I am sharing this because it brings me so much joy. I carried 4 beautiful babies, and I actually got to see this baby. This reminds me how beautiful pregnancy is and how blessed I am to be able to get pregnant and experience such a a miracle.

7) A poem called: To the Child in my Heart-

O precious, tiny, sweet little one 

You will always be to me

So perfect, pure, and innocent

Just as you were meant to be.

We dreamed of you and of your life And all that it would be

We waited and longed for you to come 

And join our family.

We never had the chance to play, To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.

We long to hold you, touch you now

And listen to you giggle.

I'll always be your mother.He'll always be your dad.

You will always be our child,

The child that we had.

But now you're gone...but yet you're here.

We sense you everywhere.

You are our sorrow and our joy.

There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong.

We'll forget you never--The child we had, but never had,

And yet will have forever.

Author: C.P. 

Poem Credit

8) Some of my favorite Bible verses- here are a few:

Romans 5:1-21

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Matthew 18:14

So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.

Matthew 19:14

But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”

Romans 8:28

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Luke 18:15-17

Now they were 

bringing even infants to him that he might touch them. And when the disciples saw it, they rebuked them. But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.”

9) A smiley face magnet- because sometimes, all I need to smile is seeing that silly smile.

10) The coming home outfit Heather and I purchased together.

11) Seashells- these aren't just any seashells- they are from our honeymoon in Ocracoke, NC. It is our favorite place to vacation, and we have done so on several vacations. It was on our honeymoon that we made a lot of decisions about our family, and therefore, it holds a dear place in my heart.

12) Letters- I wrote a letter to myself and a letter to each of my babies. My box has all of the letters in envelopes (that remain unsealed so I can read them as I choose). The letter to myself is about staying strong, my reasons to carrying on, reminders of the hope and joy in my life, and most importantly- a list of all of the reasons that we are strong. Each letter to the babies details my pregnancy, my emotions, my love for them, fun tidbits about different milestones, a prayer for each of them, and a memorial of their life. Some people might be a bit put off about the letters, but they are exactly what I need. They may not be for you, and that is okay!

I have many other things in my box- stickers, drawings, cards, poems, pictures, etc- but those are the basics. I add to my box constantly and each time I open it, it is a reminder of how blessed I am and how many wonderful things there are in life to be happy about.

I would encourage any Mother of Loss to create her own box. It has been therapeutic, validating, and my strength when I just can't muster any.

One of THOSE Days- Victoria's Story

I had a post planned for today about my Happy Box and everything that is in it. I was writing it this morning, and honestly, I am just not happy today. It's one of THOSE days.

Being a Mother of loss is like being on Tower of Terror at Disney- you never know when the floor is just going to drop out. You never know when the world will flip upside down or stop spinning on you. I still have days where I can go from happy to crying in less than 5 seconds. It's completely normal- but so frustrating.

Yesterday was a great day! I had a good day at work, started my new fitness program, went for an amazing walk in nature with Heather, her Mom, and her Mom's friend, and got in a good workout at home. I felt completely happy and my pain was far away.

Today, my day started by waking up 45 minutes late, which may be part of the reason for this off day. I started moving things on my dresser and ran across the "Coming Home" outfit and hat I had purchased with Heather, in memory of my little ones and it overwhelmed me. Usually, the outfit brings me comfort and peace- knowing my babies' sibling(s) will someday wear it. Today- I sat down and cried for a good 20 minutes.

The rest of the day was filled with triggers- lots of pregnant women at my office, pregnancy announcements on facebook, birth announcements on twitter, a coworker bringing in her 3 month old daughter, e-mails about diaper coupons.... you name it, it happened today. I can feel my pain bubbling at the surface and I know I just need to take the evening to work through my emotions.

I am going to go on a walk with my husband and our dogs and enjoy this beautiful weather. As we walk, I am going to soak up the sun, watch the sun set, say a little prayer to God, and remind myself that I have 4 angels in Heaven watching over me every day. I have so many reasons to push on and live my life in their honor, in God's honor.

I know I'm not alone. I know we all experience these days. I think the most important piece of advice I have on days like this is to work through your emotions. Acknowledge them, give yourself permission to feel and express them, and then remind yourself why you are blessed.

Thank you for hanging in their with me. I promise Thursday will be a happy post and I will share everything in my Happy Box with you!

One Day at a Time- Victoria's Story

For so many things in life, there is an "easier" way to do things. Drive-Thru at a restaurant, ordering online, instructional videos, navigation on your phone, personal shoppers, text messaging, church online, steam-in-bag vegetables....

It's human nature to find an easier way to do things. Look around you, there are so many ways you simplify your life each day, without even realizing it. 

Grieving. It is one aspect of our lives we have no "easy" way around. There is no way to short-cut through grief- try as you might, it comes right back around to stare you in the face. You can bury it or ignore it, but somehow, it always comes back until you work through the process.

Grieving has been very difficult for me. By nature, I am a very happy person who only wants to see the best in life. I am the strong person; I am at my strongest when things are at their worst. I thought I could handle anything. I couldn't have been more wrong. Miscarriage, losing my babies, brought me to my knees.

They say grief has 5 separate phases that are universal:

1) Denial/Isolation

2) Anger

3) Bargaining

4) Depression

5) Acceptance.

In my personal experience, miscarriage was unlike any other grief I had ever dealt with. I have lost many loved ones before, but never have I felt pain like I did with the loss of my babies.

For me, my grief went through a different series:

Terror/Anger/Depression

Depression/Bargaining

Depression/Isolation

Depression/Anger

Admission

Following my miscarriages, so many people told me to work through each emotion. How was I supposed to do that? If I worked on my fear, it made me angry. If I confronted my anger, I was overcome with sadness. If I tried to move through my sadness, I began bargaining with myself and God. Bargaining just made me angry all over again. In my experience, it has been a vicious cycle with no end.

I don't believe my grieving has truly ended. Notice, the "last stage" of my grieving is currently admission. At this point, I can not accept what has happened. I admit that it has happened, I acknowledge our loss. At this moment, I feel as though acceptance equals moving on, and I am not capable of doing so. The thought of moving on strikes fear in my heart- I never even got to hold or see my babies outside of an ultrasound. They never knew what it was like to feel me hold them or kiss their sweet fingers and toes. If I move on, I am so afraid they will think I never loved them.

My feelings may change again, but this is where I am at right now. This is my journey and for right now, it is one day at a time. I want you to know that is okay to be- just okay. It has taken me a long time to accept just being okay. I don't want to give you the impression I am never happy- most of my days are filled with more happiness than sadness- but there is always a little piece of my heart missing.

I wanted to share some of my methods of moving through my grief:

1) Have someone to talk to-  I have mentioned before the importance of having at least one person you can turn to with your feelings. It needs to be a person you feel like you could say anything to without judgement. Sometimes, just being able to release your thoughts and emotions is all you need to work through a particularly difficult day.

2) Music- I have days where I am so overcome my emotion, I am not sure how I really feel. On days like this, I put on music that soothes me- Andrea Bocelli and Chris Botti are two of my favorites- and sit in a warm bath to calm myself and relax my mind.

3) Remember your baby(ies)- Sometimes I just want to talk about them. I talk about the first time I found out they were to be, the first doctor's appointment, the first ultrasound, morning sickness- the happy memories. Talking about them leaves my heart feeling so much lighter and filled with so much joy. 

4)Write- For me, writing is very therapeutic. I may not be able to put my thoughts together out loud, but I can always work through it on paper or on the computer. I don't even always publish what I write. I have a Word document on my computer that is strictly for writing whatever comes to my head. Just seeing it all down on my paper and working through my thoughts gives me relief and often helps me sort out how I feel.

5) Happy box- This has absolutely become a lifesaver for me. I am going to do a whole post on it on Tuesday, but the "Happy Box" is something I came up with when I was having a really bad day. I had found all kinds of quotes and prayers on Pinterest, but I wanted to print them out and have them handy. I decided to put them in a box next to my bed and look at the sayings and quotes whenever I needed a pick-me-up or reminder. Since then, I have added whatever makes me happy to the box. I have quotes, prayers, pictures of loved ones, magnets, a baby outfit, cards from friends, and a lot more. I will show you everything on Tuesday, but I highly recommend one of these. My "Happy Box" grounds me and reminds me I have so much to be thankful for and that God really does have a plan. I am still struggling with my path, but I need to trust in God- and everything in my box reminds me to do so.

I pray you can find your own peace in your journey. One day at a time.

It's a journey- a road we are on together.