The 4th Trimester Bodies Project

This past Sunday and Monday I was in Boston. Some of you may have seen my Facebook and instagram post on Monday morning. While it was a wonderful mini getaway with my husband, I was there for a purpose. I was there to take part in a project that I started following not long after Hannah's death.

Permanent Grief and Sadness

Once a person goes through all 5 stages of grief, that doesn't mean these stages will not appear again in the future. Sometimes certain stages will take longer to work through. There's no time limit. It's important to go through each stage and not try to avoid them, no a matter how painful or uncomfortable they may be. I believe that grief and this sadness will never go away.

Asking for Help- Victoria's Story

There have been a lot of serious conversations taking place in my household over the last two weeks. In my last post, I discussed how Jason and I are discussing the possibilities we may be facing:

1. Getting pregnant on our own
2. Getting pregnant through the use of fertility medications
3. Getting pregnant through IUI or IVF

If these options fail or we reach a point where we have decided it's enough, then we have to consider:

1. Going through genetic testing to determine if there is a genetic issue
2. Getting pregnant with the help of an egg donor (friend or unknown)
3. Surrogacy- private or through a friend
4. Adoption- private or through foster care

When Your Grief is Minimized

I pray this doesn't happen to you, but the sad truth is it probably will at some point or another.

I don't mean strangers or acquaintances minimizing your grief. I'm talking about those closest to you. Those who seemed to try to understand, who sympathized, who were sensitive, who gave their support, who were affected by the loss of your baby in a very personal way. Those are the people I am talking about.

When Enough is Too Much- Victoria's Story

There is so much that happens in your life after a loss, things you never even *think* about. I promised Heather and all of you when I joined that I would be 100% honest and share everything, good and bad, easy and difficult.

The last two days have been d.i.f.f.i.c.u.l.t. Both days ended in tears and little sleep after hard conversations with my husband. If you had asked me five years ago if I would ever have to discuss the possibility of us not having our own children, I probably would have looked at you as though you had five heads.

Not have our own children?.....

Friendship- Victoria's Story

I have mentioned before, and it comes as no surprise, everyone grieves differently. In the end, however, we all need someone to lean on, to help us get through our darkest days. I always have my husband, but since he grieves differently (which I discussed here), sometimes it is better for both of us if I have someone else to talk to.

A Letter- Victoria's Story

Everyone has their own way of grieving. Some like to write poetry and listen to music, some like to create a memorial, some go through old photo albums filled with pictures, some write, and so much more.

I have several ways I deal with my grief, but my go-to is writing. I have a journal on my laptop where I just write whatever comes to me. I have an actual bound journal that I keep by my bed for thoughts and reflections. Both of these journals help me release what is inside of me and help me to find words when I feel completely lost and speechless.

This week has been a particularly hard week. I should be half-way through my pregnancy with my 4th Angel. I should be finding out if our precious baby was a boy or a girl. I should be planning a gender reveal party and kicking into high-gear with nursery decorating. I should be laughing at how big my belly is getting and how I am starting to get that pregnancy walk. I should be happy.

I sat down last night and wrote a letter to our 4th Angel, and I wanted to share it with you. Perhaps, as you are moving through your own grief, this letter will help you to find your own words and write for comfort and release.

My Angel,

You should be getting so big and strong in my womb- kicking your legs and stretching your arms. I should feel you moving as your Daddy and I push on my belly to watch you roll to go back to sleep. I should be finding out this week if you are a boy or a girl. No matter what though, we would be happy. You are perfect and you are ours.

Even though I never got to meet you or feel a kick, I knew you were there. I felt your presence and cherished every moment. You are still perfect and you are certainly still my child. I long to feel your kick and to see your chubby cheeks on the screen.

Maybe my pregnancy would have been tough- filled with sickness and back pain. I want you to know, I would choose to be sick every day for 40 weeks with glee to hold you in my arms.

My only comfort is knowing you are in Heaven with God. I know he holds you in his arms and you know a happiness unlike any found on Earth. While it comforts me to know you are with God, my heart still breaks because you are not with me. We are all God's children first, but I still longed to be your Mom and hold you in my arms. I wanted to rock you to sleep, tell you stories, buy you your first bike, see your face light up when you saw the ocean for the first time, and kiss away your tears.

I am only human and I struggle with God's plan. Being blessed with a child is a gift unlike any other. It is a miracle and an honor to be bestowed with the responsibility of being a Mother. Why take that away? What is the plan? I am trying so hard to walk this journey and not waiver in my faith- but it is not always easy.

I often wonder if you have met my Grandfathers and other family members. I get great comfort out of picturing my Grandfathers holding you tight and telling you all of their crazy stories. You will know everything there is to know about everything if you have met them. They are both great story-tellers. I have this picture of my Grandfathers holding you, wrapped in a soft yellow blanket, and smiling at you as they tell you about me. It brings me so much joy to think of you with them.

I want you to know that my love for you never stops- it only grows. I think of you every day and always will. I know I am blessed to have been chosen as your Mother, if only for a short time, but that doesn't stop my heart from aching.

I love you for always,

Your Mom.

Helping Those Going Through Baby Loss - We Need Your Help

{Click here to donate.}

**Update! Hannah's Heart and Love is officially a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization as of September 1st, 2014. But we are still in desperate need of donations both monetary and item donations. Any and all support is so greatly appreciated.

Losing our first and only child was one of the hardest things we have ever had to deal with as a couple.  It was full of heart ache, confusion, sadness, anger, and so many other emotions that making a list is nearly impossible.  When we first received the news that Hannah had some things that would make her chances of survival slim, we were lost.  What made this even harder is that there was really no where we could turn.  During the time from when we found out and even after she had passed away, there seemed to be a general lack of knowledge and support for us to turn towards.  Of course we had the support of our family and friends, but there were minimal resources available to help us.

Losing Hannah created a whole list of things that we now had thrown at us and didn’t know how to handle.  How do we handle such grief?  How do we explain ourselves to people?  How do we go home from the hospital with empty arms?  How do we plan a funeral and how do we pay for it?  This is just a few of the things that started going through our heads.  We had no answers, no where to look for answers and were forced to start working on these things on our own. 

Before we lost Hannah, we could never fully understand what it is like to lose a child.  We didn’t realize how real and painful this is.  There is a general lack of education and conversation about this topic.  People do not have a true understanding of everything that this tragic situation brings with it.  Many people, it seems just assume it all just goes away.  They think that people just move on and that it’s like nothing ever happened.     It is not just a minor thing that passes or fades.  I know this and feel this every time I see a baby or see an outfit or a photo frame or hear about people expecting because I know that at the end of the day, we had to go home without our baby.  The pain that we feel every day is absolutely real.  Our daughter is absolutely real. 

It is because of all of these reasons that we decided that we wanted to start Hannah’s Heart and Love.  The idea is to create a non-profit whose goal is to help families through the tragedy of baby loss.  With Hannah’s Heart and Love, we want to be able to provide aids and resources for the families who have lost.  We also want to provide “recovery boxes” to help the new mommy who is on the mend.  Finally it is also our goal to raise awareness and to educate people that baby loss is real and that it is not just something that will go away with time. 

In order for us to be able to help others, we need your help.  We are currently in the process of getting this non-profit off the ground.  The money that we are hoping to raise will be to help us pay for all of the fees and costs associated with starting such a venture, as well as used to help create packages and print materials to be used to help spread the word, educate people, and get our resource into the hands of those in need.  We have gone through this tragedy, but we don’t want our loss to just be the end of things.  We want to be able to take this bad experience and use it to help others.  Please help us to bring support, healing, and education to the people who need it.  We thank you in advance for your support. 

Losing our first and only child was one of the hardest things we have ever had to deal with as a couple.  It was full of heart ache, confusion, sadness, anger, and so many other emotions that making a list is nearly impossible.  When we first received the news that Hannah had some things that would make her chances of survival slim, we were lost.  What made this even harder is that there was really no where we could turn.  During the time from when we found out and even after she had passed away, there seemed to be a general lack of knowledge and support for us to turn towards.  Of course we had the support of our family and friends, but there were minimal resources available to help us.

Losing Hannah created a whole list of things that we now had thrown at us and didn’t know how to handle.  How do we handle such grief?  How do we explain ourselves to people?  How do we go home from the hospital with empty arms?  How do we plan a funeral and how do we pay for it?  This is just a few of the things that started going through our heads.  We had no answers, no where to look for answers and were forced to start working on these things on our own. 

Before we lost Hannah, we could never fully understand what it is like to lose a child.  We didn’t realize how real and painful this is.  There is a general lack of education and conversation about this topic.  People do not have a true understanding of everything that this tragic situation brings with it.  Many people, it seems just assume it all just goes away.  They think that people just move on and that it’s like nothing ever happened.     It is not just a minor thing that passes or fades.  I know this and feel this every time I see a baby or see an outfit or a photo frame or hear about people expecting because I know that at the end of the day, we had to go home without our baby.  The pain that we feel every day is absolutely real.  Our daughter is absolutely real. 

It is because of all of these reasons that we decided that we wanted to start Hannah’s Heart and Love.  The idea is to create a non-profit whose goal is to help families through the tragedy of baby loss.  With Hannah’s Heart and Love, we want to be able to provide aids and resources for the families who have lost.  We also want to provide “recovery boxes” to help the new mommy who is on the mend.  Finally it is also our goal to raise awareness and to educate people that baby loss is real and that it is not just something that will go away with time. 

In order for us to be able to help others, we need your help.  We are currently in the process of getting this non-profit off the ground.  The money that we are hoping to raise will be to help us pay for all of the fees and costs associated with starting such a venture, as well as used to help create packages and print materials to be used to help spread the word, educate people, and get our resource into the hands of those in need.  We have gone through this tragedy, but we don’t want our loss to just be the end of things.  We want to be able to take this bad experience and use it to help others.  Please help us to bring support, healing, and education to the people who need it.  We thank you in advance for your support. 

 

 

Happiness Is- Victoria's Story

"Most folks are as happy as they make up their mind to be"

Abraham Lincoln

There is a lot of truth to this quote. You can only be as happy as you decide to be. I don't know about you, but some days, it is really hard to decide to be happy. In fact, some days, I don't want to be happy. I don't want to force an emotion and a state of mind that I am just not able to occupy.

On days where I just can't seem to rise above the dark cloud, I turn to my "Happy Box". My Happy Box got officially created when Heather sent me the most beautiful card. Heather and I hadn't even met yet, she had just had Hannah's funeral when she found out I was miscarrying. Our husbands work together and had been discussing Heather's pregnancy and my issues for several months before Hannah passed, so while I knew about Heather, I had only seen her once in passing. I was so surprised when my husband came home with a card from Heather for me (although, now that I am getting to know Heather, I would not be the least bit surprised- she is truly that thoughtful and kind). While I will not share the exact wording of the card, her words gave me the validation I so desired, gave me a connection to someone who was (heartbreakingly) grieving the loss of a child, and made me remember that I am not alone. 

I had kept items from each pregnancy, though haphazardly stored them in bags or cardboard boxes. When I got Heather's card, I knew I wanted to keep it close because it was the first thing that had made me smile since the miscarriage. I found a wooden box and put the card in it next to my bed, along with other items from my pregnancies and things that just generally made me smile. I decided I would open the box on days when I was particularly sad or in need of a reminder of how blessed I am.

The box has been an incredible lifesaver for me- I can reminisce, smile, and get lost in a million little things that make me happy- and it has never failed me. I would highly recommend to anyone Mother of Loss that you make a box like this.

Originally, I intended to share photos of each item in my box, but I just feel like some of them are too personal to me. You should have your own things that are unique and special to you. Instead, I will share with you what is in the box, and include several photos.

1) Heather's card- it reminds me I am never alone and that I have a friend I can turn to

2) My first positive pregnancy test- to some, this might sound a little crazy, but it gives me hope and takes me back to a time when I was carefree and so full of love and hope- and had none of the fear I do now.

3) A picture of Jason and I are on our wedding day- this helps me take myself out of current situation. Sometimes, it is so easy to focus on the here and now, that you forget who you are together as a couple. Looking at our picture, reminds me that together, we can do anything.

4) A picture of my parents and brother- I am so close with my family, but sometimes in a state of sadness, I feel very alone. Looking at their picture helps me remember how blessed I am to have an incredible and supportive family who is behind me every step of the way.

5) A picture of a sunset I took on our deck- one of the things that most relaxes me is sitting on our deck in the nice weather at night. We enjoy the sunset, feel the breeze off of the lake, listen to the wildlife, look at the moon and stars, and also watch the planes- we are directly under the flight path to the Philadelphia airport, so we see all of the planes approaching. There is something so peaceful, simple, and serene about a night like that. Just thinking about it helps me relax.

6) My first ultrasound picture- I am sharing this because it brings me so much joy. I carried 4 beautiful babies, and I actually got to see this baby. This reminds me how beautiful pregnancy is and how blessed I am to be able to get pregnant and experience such a a miracle.

7) A poem called: To the Child in my Heart-

O precious, tiny, sweet little one 

You will always be to me

So perfect, pure, and innocent

Just as you were meant to be.

We dreamed of you and of your life And all that it would be

We waited and longed for you to come 

And join our family.

We never had the chance to play, To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.

We long to hold you, touch you now

And listen to you giggle.

I'll always be your mother.He'll always be your dad.

You will always be our child,

The child that we had.

But now you're gone...but yet you're here.

We sense you everywhere.

You are our sorrow and our joy.

There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong.

We'll forget you never--The child we had, but never had,

And yet will have forever.

Author: C.P. 

Poem Credit

8) Some of my favorite Bible verses- here are a few:

Romans 5:1-21

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Matthew 18:14

So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.

Matthew 19:14

But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”

Romans 8:28

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Luke 18:15-17

Now they were 

bringing even infants to him that he might touch them. And when the disciples saw it, they rebuked them. But Jesus called them to him, saying, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.”

9) A smiley face magnet- because sometimes, all I need to smile is seeing that silly smile.

10) The coming home outfit Heather and I purchased together.

11) Seashells- these aren't just any seashells- they are from our honeymoon in Ocracoke, NC. It is our favorite place to vacation, and we have done so on several vacations. It was on our honeymoon that we made a lot of decisions about our family, and therefore, it holds a dear place in my heart.

12) Letters- I wrote a letter to myself and a letter to each of my babies. My box has all of the letters in envelopes (that remain unsealed so I can read them as I choose). The letter to myself is about staying strong, my reasons to carrying on, reminders of the hope and joy in my life, and most importantly- a list of all of the reasons that we are strong. Each letter to the babies details my pregnancy, my emotions, my love for them, fun tidbits about different milestones, a prayer for each of them, and a memorial of their life. Some people might be a bit put off about the letters, but they are exactly what I need. They may not be for you, and that is okay!

I have many other things in my box- stickers, drawings, cards, poems, pictures, etc- but those are the basics. I add to my box constantly and each time I open it, it is a reminder of how blessed I am and how many wonderful things there are in life to be happy about.

I would encourage any Mother of Loss to create her own box. It has been therapeutic, validating, and my strength when I just can't muster any.

One of THOSE Days- Victoria's Story

I had a post planned for today about my Happy Box and everything that is in it. I was writing it this morning, and honestly, I am just not happy today. It's one of THOSE days.

Being a Mother of loss is like being on Tower of Terror at Disney- you never know when the floor is just going to drop out. You never know when the world will flip upside down or stop spinning on you. I still have days where I can go from happy to crying in less than 5 seconds. It's completely normal- but so frustrating.

Yesterday was a great day! I had a good day at work, started my new fitness program, went for an amazing walk in nature with Heather, her Mom, and her Mom's friend, and got in a good workout at home. I felt completely happy and my pain was far away.

Today, my day started by waking up 45 minutes late, which may be part of the reason for this off day. I started moving things on my dresser and ran across the "Coming Home" outfit and hat I had purchased with Heather, in memory of my little ones and it overwhelmed me. Usually, the outfit brings me comfort and peace- knowing my babies' sibling(s) will someday wear it. Today- I sat down and cried for a good 20 minutes.

The rest of the day was filled with triggers- lots of pregnant women at my office, pregnancy announcements on facebook, birth announcements on twitter, a coworker bringing in her 3 month old daughter, e-mails about diaper coupons.... you name it, it happened today. I can feel my pain bubbling at the surface and I know I just need to take the evening to work through my emotions.

I am going to go on a walk with my husband and our dogs and enjoy this beautiful weather. As we walk, I am going to soak up the sun, watch the sun set, say a little prayer to God, and remind myself that I have 4 angels in Heaven watching over me every day. I have so many reasons to push on and live my life in their honor, in God's honor.

I know I'm not alone. I know we all experience these days. I think the most important piece of advice I have on days like this is to work through your emotions. Acknowledge them, give yourself permission to feel and express them, and then remind yourself why you are blessed.

Thank you for hanging in their with me. I promise Thursday will be a happy post and I will share everything in my Happy Box with you!

One Day at a Time- Victoria's Story

For so many things in life, there is an "easier" way to do things. Drive-Thru at a restaurant, ordering online, instructional videos, navigation on your phone, personal shoppers, text messaging, church online, steam-in-bag vegetables....

It's human nature to find an easier way to do things. Look around you, there are so many ways you simplify your life each day, without even realizing it. 

Grieving. It is one aspect of our lives we have no "easy" way around. There is no way to short-cut through grief- try as you might, it comes right back around to stare you in the face. You can bury it or ignore it, but somehow, it always comes back until you work through the process.

Grieving has been very difficult for me. By nature, I am a very happy person who only wants to see the best in life. I am the strong person; I am at my strongest when things are at their worst. I thought I could handle anything. I couldn't have been more wrong. Miscarriage, losing my babies, brought me to my knees.

They say grief has 5 separate phases that are universal:

1) Denial/Isolation

2) Anger

3) Bargaining

4) Depression

5) Acceptance.

In my personal experience, miscarriage was unlike any other grief I had ever dealt with. I have lost many loved ones before, but never have I felt pain like I did with the loss of my babies.

For me, my grief went through a different series:

Terror/Anger/Depression

Depression/Bargaining

Depression/Isolation

Depression/Anger

Admission

Following my miscarriages, so many people told me to work through each emotion. How was I supposed to do that? If I worked on my fear, it made me angry. If I confronted my anger, I was overcome with sadness. If I tried to move through my sadness, I began bargaining with myself and God. Bargaining just made me angry all over again. In my experience, it has been a vicious cycle with no end.

I don't believe my grieving has truly ended. Notice, the "last stage" of my grieving is currently admission. At this point, I can not accept what has happened. I admit that it has happened, I acknowledge our loss. At this moment, I feel as though acceptance equals moving on, and I am not capable of doing so. The thought of moving on strikes fear in my heart- I never even got to hold or see my babies outside of an ultrasound. They never knew what it was like to feel me hold them or kiss their sweet fingers and toes. If I move on, I am so afraid they will think I never loved them.

My feelings may change again, but this is where I am at right now. This is my journey and for right now, it is one day at a time. I want you to know that is okay to be- just okay. It has taken me a long time to accept just being okay. I don't want to give you the impression I am never happy- most of my days are filled with more happiness than sadness- but there is always a little piece of my heart missing.

I wanted to share some of my methods of moving through my grief:

1) Have someone to talk to-  I have mentioned before the importance of having at least one person you can turn to with your feelings. It needs to be a person you feel like you could say anything to without judgement. Sometimes, just being able to release your thoughts and emotions is all you need to work through a particularly difficult day.

2) Music- I have days where I am so overcome my emotion, I am not sure how I really feel. On days like this, I put on music that soothes me- Andrea Bocelli and Chris Botti are two of my favorites- and sit in a warm bath to calm myself and relax my mind.

3) Remember your baby(ies)- Sometimes I just want to talk about them. I talk about the first time I found out they were to be, the first doctor's appointment, the first ultrasound, morning sickness- the happy memories. Talking about them leaves my heart feeling so much lighter and filled with so much joy. 

4)Write- For me, writing is very therapeutic. I may not be able to put my thoughts together out loud, but I can always work through it on paper or on the computer. I don't even always publish what I write. I have a Word document on my computer that is strictly for writing whatever comes to my head. Just seeing it all down on my paper and working through my thoughts gives me relief and often helps me sort out how I feel.

5) Happy box- This has absolutely become a lifesaver for me. I am going to do a whole post on it on Tuesday, but the "Happy Box" is something I came up with when I was having a really bad day. I had found all kinds of quotes and prayers on Pinterest, but I wanted to print them out and have them handy. I decided to put them in a box next to my bed and look at the sayings and quotes whenever I needed a pick-me-up or reminder. Since then, I have added whatever makes me happy to the box. I have quotes, prayers, pictures of loved ones, magnets, a baby outfit, cards from friends, and a lot more. I will show you everything on Tuesday, but I highly recommend one of these. My "Happy Box" grounds me and reminds me I have so much to be thankful for and that God really does have a plan. I am still struggling with my path, but I need to trust in God- and everything in my box reminds me to do so.

I pray you can find your own peace in your journey. One day at a time.

It's a journey- a road we are on together.

Uneven Ground- Victoria's Story

I apologize for the delay in posting this. This was much more difficult to write than I anticipated and I wanted to make sure I got it right.

Now that you know more about my husband and I and our story, I thought I would share more of the emotional side of what we are facing each day.

Today, I want to focus on my relationship with Jason after our losses. I think this is a topic that even some of the most wonderful books on loss, gloss over.

Prior to our first loss, Jason and I were still very much on top of the world. Of course we had our ups and downs, just as any other couple moving towards marriage does, but 98% of our relationship was amazing. We were on the same page about (almost) everything! It felt like there wasn't a thing in the world we couldn't conquer together. We had difficult times financially, dealt with some very heartbreaking family situations, and even faced being separated for 5 months following a major surgery I had. (I had to move home to be with my parents, who live 4 hours from where we do now. I needed 24-hour assistance for several months, and we couldn't afford to have Jason quit his job and move with me). Through all of it, we came out on top and stronger for it.

When Jason and I decided we were ready to start our family, we never imagined we would have any difficulty. Of course- you hear about miscarriage, you realize there is always a chance for complications, but, if you are like us,

"We didn't really think it would happen to us".

Our first loss was very painful. It was only the 2nd time I had ever seen Jason cry. My heart broke 10 times over watching him cry and knowing there was nothing I could do. Some of my guilt, at the time, stemmed from that moment- watching my husband cry and knowing it was my body that had made him cry.

The first week after our first loss was filled with a lot of emotion for both of us- sadness, anger, guilt, frustration, and confusion. Something changed after that first week though; Jason was suddenly back to "normal".  I recall the first time he said:

"I don't want to talk about it".

That very moment was the moment everything changed.  He didn't want to talk about it anymore, he seemed frustrated by my continued sadness, and he was ready to move on. This moment was a major turning point in our relationship. It was the first time we were not on the same page- I would dare to venture we weren't even in the same book.

My heart was still reeling from the loss- my emotions were all over the board and I was truly unable to step outside of those emotions. My husband rebounded very quickly from our loss and it made me angry. I was angry he wasn't showing emotion, angry he didn't understand me, angry he "forgot" our baby so quickly, and angry because I was angry.

Each subsequent loss followed a very similar pattern. We would be on the same page for a week or two and then a switch would flip, and he would be fine and I was not.

I would be dishonest if I didn't tell you this has caused problems with our relationship. It has added stress and tension like we have never known before. It has only been within the last few weeks that I have finally accepted our new "norm". I have finally been able to step back and acknowledge that it is okay for him to be "okay" and be moving on, because it is also okay for me to feel as I do- torn and still grieving.

Nobody really focuses on what baby loss does to your relationship. Nobody wants to mention the tension, the stress, the pain, and the anger that it can introduce into your marriage. What I want you to know is that it DOES get better. You CAN figure it out.

Here are a few things I have learned along the way, that I hope will help you in your own relationships:

1) It is absolutely okay to feel the way you do. It is okay to be fine one moment and sad the next. It is okay to cry when something triggers your sadness. It is also okay to allow yourself to be happy.

2) Just as it is okay for you to feel and express your emotions, it must also be okay for your partner to do the same. While it would be a perfect world if they felt exactly as you do every step of the way, it is not realistic nor is it fair to have that expectation.

3) Communication- is EVERYTHING. If you are having a hard time with your partner's emotions- tell them. Chances are, they have no idea they are causing you pain. If you don't express how you feel, they won't know how to help. Even though my husband doesn't feel like I do, if I tell him I am having a bad day, he will be more sensitive to my emotions and more cognizant of his actions. It took me a long time to realize that he isn't a mind reader and it's not fair for me to expect him to be.

4) Find someone you can talk to. Sometimes my husband needs a break from talk about TTC, miscarriage, babies, and sadness in general. It is okay for him to need that break- I need it too. It has been so helpful for me to have met Heather and to have her to share stories and emotions with. It takes the pressure off of Jason to be the only sounding board in my life. Whether you find someone in a support group, a pastor/spiritual leader/minister, or seek out a counselor- it is important to have someone you can go to outside of your partner.

5) Step outside of the situation and analyze the expectations. While it would be a perfect world if we could all consider only the needs and emotions of others, it is not realistic. I was trying to force my ridiculous expectations on Jason. I was demanding he feel as I did, grieve as I did, and always be on the same wave length. Looking back, I am clearly able to see it was completely unrealistic and unfair of me to do so. I had to put aside my emotions and recognize that we both grieve differently.

I love my husband with my whole heart. We are perfectly imperfect together and that is okay. We have struggled, but we are strong.

I pray you will find peace with your partner along this journey we are all on together.

Medication - Am I Crazy?

**Always consult your Doctor about taking medication or about stopping the medication. This post is my own experience and for informational purposes only and not to replace the advice and direction of your Doctor.


The day after I gave birth to Hannah (on Christmas Eve) via emergency c-section my Doctor came to check on me and give me the basic rules of recovery. She wrote out multiple prescriptions (and actually dropped them off for us at the Pharmacy) including pain medicine, prenatal vitamins, iron, colace, Zoloft, and Ativan. Wait... Zoloft and Ativan?! By the expression on my face she knew I didn't want to take those. However, I have an anxiety disorder. I haven't taken anxiety medicine for years. I don't like to. I have learned various technics to help control it. I rarely had panic attacks. So why did I need these two medications? I can control this! My Doctor told me that I don't have to take them but she highly recommended it because of the situation and my anxiety disorder. She explained that I could just take an Ativan as needed (up to three times a day) and it will work right away. She then explained that Zoloft should be taken once a day but will take two weeks to get into my system.

I was initially against taking medication. I can grieve like a "normal" person. I'm not crazy. I can still control it. But I couldn't control it and I couldn't grieve like a "normal" person. My emotions were escalated. Nights were extremely hard. I was left alone with my thoughts and there were so many running through my mind all at once. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. It wasn't until the day after Christmas that I decided to start Zoloft and take Ativan during extreme times of an anxiety attack. Zoloft didn't take effect until the day of Hannah's funeral. I felt like I was finally starting to grieve "normally."

I can barely imagine how I would be without Zoloft and Ativan. It definitely does no come close to making me numb towards my feelings. They just allow me to grieve in a healthy way. I'm not crazy for taking either medication and neither are you. It's ok. Do not be ashamed of taking any type if medication after the loss of your baby. I'm not longer ashamed. There are many things in life we can't control and some of us need a little help to grieve "normally." There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make us failures. It does define us. We need to grieve. We need to take our time and not rush our grief. If you need medication just every so often, every single day, weeks, months, years, or the rest of your life, it's ok.

 

Don't be afraid to talk to your Doctor. Also, don't be afraid to talk to your pastor, counselor, spiritual leader, etc. about taking medication. Sometimes we need a little extra support from others and to acknowledge that it's ok.

 

 

 

Our Precious Angel Babies- Victoria

**This post is going to be long and won’t include any pictures, so I apologize in advance for the length and the lack of pictures. I just can't find a picture that I feel represents my feelings. I also want to let you know, I am not going to sugarcoat anything, these are my real feelings and real emotions. While my feelings and emotions may not be the most politically correct or apply to everyone, it’s truly how I feel and I want to be honest and real with you.**

Our story- our story is 3 years of hopes, dreams, successes, and failures. Our story is unlike anyone else’s, but like so many others. Our story is built upon the yearning to have a family and to fulfill our dream of being parents.

Miscarriage #1

My husband and I were married in February of 2011 and discovered we were pregnant for the first time in June of 2011. While we weren’t necessarily “trying” we certainly weren’t NOT trying or doing anything to prevent it. We were ecstatic and terrified. But mostly ecstatic. Before we could even tell family and friends or make it to my first doctor’s appointment, AF came and I knew I miscarried. I was too embarrassed and sad to go to the doctor*, and just had a phone consult with my OB at the time to say as long as I wasn’t ill, bleeding for more than 10 days, and/or wasn’t in excruciating pain, there was really no need to be seen. We chalked it up to probabilities and left it at that.

My heart was broken. I felt hollow, guilty, and in sheer anguish. I went through about 6 weeks of severe depression, but finally was able to accept that these things happen. After all, up to 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage! (These are the kind of statistics I wish I had known before we started trying, so I could at least go in to the process with my eyes wide open).

Miscarriage #2

After the miscarriage, we started to do a lot of research. I started on prenatal vitamins, mostly cut caffeine from my diet, started eating healthier, and started working out. We decided to try again, and in November of 2011, I discovered I was pregnant! We were overjoyed. I couldn’t get in to my doctor until I was 10 weeks (or what I thought was 10 weeks). My first appointment went well and they never mentioned that the baby looked bigger than the 10 weeks I was supposed to be at. The baby's heart beat was SO strong. When I was 16 weeks (again, according to my calculations) and I started heavily bleeding and passing extremely large clots (TMI- Golf ball sized). I immediately went to the doctor and they determined I was more like 13 weeks (based on the size of my the baby) and miscarrying. I had a DNC and was told it appeared to be a spontaneous loss. Pathology came back with nothing much to report, other than the baby had stopped developing at about 13 weeks and I had what is called a missed miscarriage. I had had my period during what should have been my first missed period, which explains why my calculations were off.

* This would prove to one of our biggest mistakes. We were so inexperienced and had NO clue what the possibilities were and we aren’t doctors, so why would I argue with one?

Emotionally, this miscarriage was a blur for me. I had finally passed the “nervous” period (since I miscarried at 7 weeks the time before), and I was almost to four months!! I then found out that the baby had passed at only 13 weeks. My body had once again failed me. The sadness didn’t come until a few weeks later. Before the sadness, I was just ANGRY. I was SO angry. Angry at myself, angry at my body, angry at God, angry at my husband, angry at the carpet on the floor. I was angry at the world. I knew it wasn’t healthy or justified, but I couldn’t shake it. After about 2 weeks, the anger morphed to sadness, and I was stuck in a deep state of sadness. I couldn’t eat, I didn’t want to spend time with friends, I didn’t want my husband anywhere near me, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. I was able to defeat this sadness, however, by focusing on research. I started finding out more about miscarriage and I stumbled upon the TTC community in YouTube. I started making connections with women who had journeys filled with so much strength, that I soon realized I could do this.

Miscarriage #3

This time, we decided to wait until after our (2nd) wedding and give ourselves time to adjust to our new house and new jobs and make some lifestyle changes. We started trying again in July of 2012. This was the first time we didn’t get pregnant on the first try. Every month, AF showed up was met with a lot of tears from me. Finally, in October of 2012, I got my BFP, the day AF was supposed to show up. I just felt like this time would be different. Unfortunately, at 7 weeks gestation, I started spotting, and 2 days later, I began passing large amounts of blood and clots. My husband took me to the ER this time and my miscarriage was confirmed. The next day, I got a call from the ER stating that I needed to come back right away. We were scared and raced straight back to the ER. Once we got there, it was explained that they had spun my blood 6 times to verify and had discovered I had a Weak D blood type. I was in such a daze, I just nodded and signed off so they could give me the RhoGam.*

* This is the part that we are still investigating. I had many medical issues as a child- from seizures, to asthma, to allergies, to several surgeries, etc. All of which required giving blood and having my blood type tested. I was always told I had O Negative Blood. I even donated blood in college and was given a card saying my blood type was O Negative. We have no idea how, for 28 years, my blood type was completely wrong!

** It is worth noting that I did not receive RhoGam after my first two miscarriages. The first time was obviously because I did not see a doctor because they did not feel it was necessary. The second time, I saw a doctor, and pathology didn’t even return with this information. We have NO idea how it was missed in this case, either. We are now getting ready to find out if not having RhoGam the first two times has effected my ability to carry to term.

Emotionally, this miscarriage was easier to cope with, simply because I thought we were on to something. Perhaps we had a reason why this was happening and the RhoGam would be the miracle worker. (Obviously, I had no idea I should have been given it the first two times). While I still dealt with several weeks of intense periods of sadness, I was able to rationalize the cause and effect and plan for the future. I had hope again, which is something I had been lacking in my prior experiences.

Miscarriage #4

After we lost the baby in October of 2012, we decided to start trying again right away. It is worth noting here that my OBGYN at the time (I since have a new one who helped me through loss #4 and is treating me currently), didn’t give me any “don’t do’s” or tell us to wait or ask for any extra testing. While I questioned the hormonal issue, I was told that since I could get pregnant, we would cross that bridge once I was pregnant. Of course, not being a doctor myself, who was I to argue with the specialist?

Jason and I started trying as soon as I got my period back in January of 2013. February, no BFP. March, no BFP. Called the OBGYN and was told it was normal and not to stress. April, no BFP. May, no BFP. OBGYN does an ultrasound, says I’m fine and to keep trying. June, no BFP. July, no BFP. It was at this point, I started looking for a new OBGYN and got accepted into a great practice in our area. It was a long waiting list to get in and I couldn’t get scheduled until October, since I wasn’t pregnant. August, no BFP. September, no BFP. October comes and I was incredibly sick with pneumonia, so we had to move my appointment to December. November, no BFP. December comes and the doctor has to move my appointment, because she got called to an emergency c-section. Luckily, I only needed to wait until January 16th.

December 31st- BFP. Wait… what? BFP. I was blown away. We decided right then to appreciate and love every day that we had, so we told everyone immediately. Our parents, our siblings, our Aunts and Uncles, our close friends. We were SO excited. My first appointment was moved up to be January 8th so we could do an ultrasound. Given my history, they didn’t want to wait.

I had so many symptoms. My breasts hurt SO bad, I was SO nauseous (something I had NEVER experienced in my previous 3 pregnancies), I had stretching sensations in my uterus, I felt a full feeling in my abdomen, I was SO thirsty, I was exhausted, I was breaking out. I was so sure that THIS baby was OUR baby and we were bringing this one home. I knew that I had ovulated late, so I wasn’t as far along as my last period suggested, so when I had some mild spotting on January 4th, I didn’t think too much of it. It wasn’t red and I had no cramping, so I chalked it up to my body stretching and growing. January 5th, I noticed a streak or two of red, but only when I wiped. When I woke up January 6th to a bit more blood when I wiped, my heart sunk. I knew what was happening. I called the OBGYN and they agreed to see me immediately. As soon as they did the pelvic exam, my bleeding intensified and my heart broke. They sent me over for blood work and then home to wait.

Later that day, they confirmed that my blood work was bad. My progesterone level was less than 1 (in a normal non-pregnant woman it should be around an 8 and in a pregnant woman at that stage, it should have been over 16) and my HCG levels were only 34, and they typically should be in the 100s. The doctors were all on the phone together telling me how sorry they were and coordinating a way for me to get RhoGam. They sent me to the ambulatory care center at the hospital for RhoGam the next morning. During the night, however, my pain intensified to the point I could barely breathe. I have a very high pain tolerance, so I knew it was bad. My bleeding was also horrendous. By the time I got the ambulatory care center for the RhoGam, I had lost a lot of blood and could barely walk due to the pain. They were concerned, so as soon as the RhoGam was administered, they sent me to my OB’s office to be seen.

I just want to say I LOVE my OB. She came in and before she said anything, she just hugged me. I broke down and she just let me cry. She told me that she will get me pregnant and keep me that way and that it was time to get me into the fertility clinic. She talked to me about all of the positives as she did the exam to make sure I was okay. She prescribed some pain medication and sent me home on bed rest orders with a referral to the Fertility specialists.

Emotionally, I am still dealing with the pain. In a weeks time, I have 5 good days and only 2 bad now. The bad is still REALLY bad though.

Plans Moving Forward:

I have since had several follow-up appointments during which we determined I have PCOS and my hormone levels are completely off. I have to reschedule my fertility appointment, so that will also be coming at some point. We are also in the process of moving towards adoption, but I will update about that in a future post. I do want to stress that we are by no means giving up on getting pregnant. We want a biological child, but we also have always wanted to adopt. We feel like adoption is an incredible gift, not only for us, but also for the child. We also found out recently that we have another option- my very best friend, who is the most selfless, caring, and incredible woman- has volunteered to be our surrogate if it comes to that in the future. I was blown away by her steadfast resolve in doing this for us and am still moved to tears whenever I think about it. While I pray it doesn’t come to that, just knowing we have that as an option gives me so much peace. We have 4 more weeks until we can start trying again and we have decided to give it a go on our own more time, just to see if my supplement regimen has been helping and where we stand.

Let’s talk about how I am feeling:

Real talk here- A lot of people I am acquainted with are getting pregnant and it hurts. It’s not that I am not ecstatic for everyone who is getting pregnant, because my heart is filled with so much joy and hope for them. It’s that it just feels like I am so alone sometimes. What is REALLY difficult is all of the people who complain about how annoying their kids are on Facebook or all of the people who post on BabyCenter how they didn’t really want any kids, but they are unfortunately pregnant. I know children can be difficult and there are certainly days where you want to rip your hair out. But I would give anything to be ready to rip my hair out because my son threw his milk on the floor for the 10th time today or my daughter stayed up all night for the 8th day in a row. I would love to have the opportunity to be frustrated by those moments. I also can’t imagine how hard it would be to be in a position where you aren’t ready to have to children and be pregnant, but I would also give anything to have that happen. It’s so hard to see people all around me that don’t want children getting pregnant. Why are those people given the gift of a child when my husband and I  yearn for that blessing and get it taken away? Hearing that God has a plan and it will happen when it’s time is great, but it doesn’t help. I realize everyone has the best intentions and really, I know you want to say something helpful, but it’s really okay. There is nothing anyone can say.

My advice?

If I could offer one piece of advice to anyone who knows someone dealing with fertility issues, it’s -just listen. You don’t need to find the magic phrase to fix it, because there isn’t one. We know in our hearts that you want to fix it and make it better, but all we really want is your ears to listen and your hands to hold. We love you so much for being there for us and for wanting to make it all better, but just hug us when we are sad, let us cry when we need to, let us yell at the Universe (even when it makes no sense), laugh with us when we are having a good day, and most importantly, don’t be afraid to talk about it. No matter when we lost our babies- at 6 weeks, 13 weeks, or 23 weeks, we still lost a baby. The baby was a person and real to us and they existed. We don’t want to forget them. Realize that even a year after a loss, we may still be grieving. These emotions and thoughts tend to pop up at the strangest moments, that seemingly make no sense at all. We will work it out, but please don’t judge us.

In Conclusion:

There are so many women out there who have been struggling longer than us and have even more heartbreaking stories; and for them I pray every day. I know that our situation could be worse- we can GET pregnant and some people don’t even get that far. I am not at all trying to present my situation as a “worse case scenario”. I am sharing our journey to hopefully reach others who are struggling and let them know they are not alone. I know that in my darkest hours, finding the incredible TTC Community on YouTube is what saved me. Having this incredible support network is what got me through the moments when it felt like the world was sitting on my chest. I just hope that I can be that support for someone else.

We are still searching for answers, and I plan to share everything with you- the good and the bad. I promise to be real and honest, and to give you any piece of information I think is relevant and could be helpful.

I am a Mommy, a Mommy to 4 Angel babies. 4 beautiful babies that I will someday get to know and meet. I pray every day they will help me stay strong to give them a Rainbow sibling here on Earth.

I would love to hear from you. Please comment down below on your experiences, what your thoughts are, anything. If you want more information, please subscribe to my YouTube channel.

Thank you so much for your love and support!

The Story of Us- Victoria

Hello, everyone. My name is Victoria and I am blessed to have recently become friends with Heather and Jason. Their story has touched my heart and soul and I connect with their story on a very personal level. Heather is one of the strongest women I have ever known, and by sharing her daughter Hannah's story, she is giving hope to so many who suffer. 

Heather has asked me to share my story as I am also a Mother of Loss. I am a Mother to 4 miracle babies, who we never got to see, who are all with God. I lost all of my precious babies, all so loved and desperately wanted, by their 13th week.

Today, I wanted my first post to be a little introduction so you can get to know my husband and I before you hear our whole story. Heather has been so gracious as to allow me to share my story with you on Tuesdays and Thursdays- so Thursday's post will detail our losses.

Victoria

I’m Victoria. I am 29 years old and I am married to the love of my life, Jason (one of the many things Heather and I have in common is that we are both married to wonderful men named Jason!).

My soul mate

We have been together almost 6 years and in that time, we have moved almost 7 times, found our strength in each other, grown together, experienced highs and lows, and most importantly, we have learned how to love.

I was raised about 4 hours North of where we live now, in a very small town. I love my hometown and everyone in it. While I don't have an exceptionally large family, I grew up in a town where I knew everyone, and it felt as though I had a massive family. My husband is 30 years old and was born in raised in the area where we live. He also had a great childhood, in a suburb of Philadelphia, filled with a big extended family. 

Supporting our Phillies!

I have never met someone so loving, giving, compassionate, stubborn, and amazing as my husband. I knew from the first time I met him that he was the man I would marry. We started dating on the 4th of July in 2008 and haven’t looked back since. He proposed to me on December 19th, 2010 at Longwood Gardens amidst the beautiful Christmas decor and a fresh coating of snow.

We also went back to Longwood for our engagement photos.

I had to include this one, because this is just so us. The photographer said smell the flowers, and this was the result.

We were married (for the first time) on February 18th, 2011 in a private ceremony at a District Court in our county seat in front of our parents and siblings. While our Court House wedding was beautiful and the "legal" wedding, it was not what we consider to be our real wedding. Our real wedding was on May 19th, 2012 at Downingtown Country Club in front of our family and friends.

With Jason’s Co-Workers

Jason and I place a very significant value on family and knew we wanted to start one of our own rather quickly. Blissfully unaware of the journey we were embarking on, we started trying to conceive shortly after our 2011 wedding. 

I want to close this post by sharing with you why I am here. I have been through every emotion, even some I didn't know existed. I have blamed myself, my family, my body, the universe, and worst of all, God. My faith has been broken and restored. I have been in a black hole I thought I would never get out of and I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. Through it all, the hardest part has been the lack of legitimacy given to my babies. My hope is that by sharing my story, I can help give other Mothers and Fathers of loss the legitimacy they need and deserve.

“No one can know how much I love you, because you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.” Author Unknown

Love,

Victoria