Jason versus the Pennsylvania Department of Vital Records - Part 2

It has come to my attention that there have been serious developments since the last time that I posted about this, but I never updated those of you who have taken the time to listen to my story. 

First, a little back story for those who missed it.  I posted in March about my disgust with the state of Pennsylvania and their lack of efficiency when providing my wife and I, bereaved parents, with the Certificate of Birth Resulting in a Stillbirth that certain state legislation has made it my right to have.  When I last posted, I had faxed the form for the umpteenth time and still had not received a response.  I had contacted my local state legislator and had not heard from them either.  That post can be found here. 

Through the Dark Valley

by Julie Erickson

When I first learned of Jordyn's fatal diagnosis in November of last year, the perfectionist and workaholic in me took over almost immediately. Though I was heartbroken that Jordyn would not be with us to grow up, I imagined the good that could come of her short time on earth. I pictured building a legacy in her name which included a charity for fetal heart research, a blog to tell her story, and many speaking, fund raising, and mentoring efforts to support those who were hurting in the same way I was. Though I could not save her life, through whatever power I had I needed her memory to be preserved.

A Grieving Mother's Wish List

by Sarah Grandfield-Connors

Welcome to Paradise

by Sarah Grandfield-Connors

There is a short essay called "Welcome to Holland" which is meant to comfort a parent who has recently received information that their child has some type of developmental disability. The premise is that you have booked a trip to Italy, but your plane was re-routed to Holland. You miss the idea of Italy, the culture of Italy may always be a mystery with its own language and art -- but Holland is stunning itself. Beautiful but different. 

When we first understood that things with Beatrix may not go well someone sent me this essay. It was welcome as an affirmation of the life I was embarking on -- the life I assumed included a child with Down Syndrome -- because whenever there's a problem in pregnancy, that's the "worst" that could happen, right? 

Jason versus the Pennsylvania State Division of Vital Records PART 1

by Jason Kimble

When Hannah passed away, Heather and I were absolutely devastated.  Having been given a fatal diagnosis, we knew the tragic day would come when we would face the this heartbreaking and difficult time.  Knowing this did not make the time any easier, but it did allow us to consider some things about what was happening.  That said, one thing that came up was the idea of a birth certificate.  Initially this did not cross my mind.  At this point, I can't recall where I heard about it first.  I think Heather told me she had seen something about it online. There was a birth certificate that our state would produce for families called the "Birth Resulting in a Stillbirth" certificate.  It sounded like something that would be a great thing to have and would add just a little bit of peace in the recognition of our baby girl... or so we thought...

This New Life

by Ashley Bowman

February 1st marked six months since I said hello then goodbye to my angel, Bentley. 6 MONTHS. It seems like such a short amount of time when you think about the length of a whole human life, but it's an excruciatingly long time when you are missing someone every second, of every day.  I have come to find that grief and that incredibly painful ache I feel every day living without my son only gets worse with time. Probably because every day is one day longer that it has been since I kissed him and held him. I already feel like he is quickly disappearing from our lives. Other than pictures and a few mementos, there is no sign that he was ever here. It kills me to know that I will never have anything more of him than I do now. I will never get take his picture as I  see him off on his first day of kindergarten or see his first steps. None of that, it has all been taken from us for reasons we will never know or understand. Everything happens for a reason has no part in baby loss.

This Wasn't My Dream

by Chrissy Storr

This wasn’t the dream I had for myself; parenting a baby for a couple days and then being a parent from afar when he ended up passing away. My dream had been very different. From a young age, I had wanted to be a mother, have a family that gathered together for the holidays, and shared memories. I imagined myself with little children who I would teach and raise to be productive, successful members of society. We would laugh, love, and create a family legacy. I believed that you got pregnant, had a beautiful baby, and brought it home.

I met my Joel at 25 1/2 weeks gestation. I had suffered pPROM, where your water breaks very early, before term, from a slow leak between 16-18 weeks along (diagnosed during my 18th week). Doctors suggested termination as labor often starts within 2 weeks of ruptured membranes. I held on to hope that he may be among the few babies that beat the odds. I stayed pregnant for 7 1/2 more weeks after my diagnosis. Unfortunately, a uterine infection set in, and I went into labor. I was so scared; I knew he wasn't ready to be born yet. I was in labor for about 12 hours. It was rough. They put me on oxygen and various IV meds. I was sick from the infection. But he was born, he was alive! When I saw him I fell in instant love. He was beautiful. Everybody commented how he looked so mature for his gestation. Joel looked like a miniature full term baby in a lot of ways. He was trying so hard to breathe on his own. The doctors intubated him and said he did so well he had a 70% chance of living. He was critically stable, and I was thrilled.

She Brings Joy

by Sarah Grandfield-Connors

I have had a difficult time writing something out for this project, as I am going through a low time. Even after four years, there are low times, when the sadness leaks out of you and touches everything around you.

I wanted to begin with an introduction and a background to my daughter's story. I hope to write here again, and would love to know that when I do- anyone reading will see the human being that my baby was, instead of the still images of a photograph.

When my Beatrix died, I shared her story with every organization that I could- what I will share here will be similar to what I wrote then, with some changes as appropriate, as an introduction for you, and a reminder for me. That even with the low times that followed, there was beauty in that storm.

There are so many important things that I would like to share about our story. The journey we went through to have our baby is just as important as what happened after she was born. I sometimes forget about that, the life that she lived before she lived her life.

My Baby is Missing

by Heather Kimble

 

What can I do?

 

What can I say?

 

I'm done.

 

I'm tired of feeling this way.

Choosing Bentley

by Ashley Bowman

December 24th 2013, the day we got a positive pregnancy test. I remember being so excited I almost couldn't wait for my husband to get home to tell him, he ALMOST found out over the phone. We had been trying to get pregnant since July and although it didn't take but a few months, it felt like forever every time I had a negative pregnancy test. At one point I remember thinking to myself: you have two healthy children and maybe you should just be happy with that. I look back at that now like it was some sort of foreshadowing for what we were about to experience in the future, as crazy as that sounds.

We already had two beautiful children; Riley, who is 8 years old going on 16 and Hunter, he was 3 at the time. This baby was going to be our last. I remember being so happy and sad at the same time knowing that this was the last time I would experience all the joys of being pregnant. The next few days at several different Christmas parties it was hard not to scream the news but we wanted to wait until after the first doctors appointment to make sure everything was okay. It felt like forever until January 22nd was here and we had our first appointment. Everything seemed to be going great and we even got our first picture of our little peanut, I remember being really happy with our choice in doctor as she was going to be taking extra precautions due to my history of eclampsia. That evening after our appointment; we went from house to house telling our family. Everyone seemed to be so happy and excited for us. It finally felt official that we would be completing our family in September.
  
As the weeks went by everything continued to go as planned until March 6th, the day we were supposed to find out the sex of our baby. My doctors office had a special package where you could find out as soon as 14 weeks what you were having and the anticipation was killing my husband so we opted to find out early. I think deep down I always sensed that something was wrong, I am not sure how as everything pregnancy wise was going fine. I can't explain it, I just knew but as the ultrasound tech started measuring things during the ultrasound I just knew something was wrong

What to say when you don't know what to say

It has been a really long time since I have posted a blog post.  I think that the reason that it has been so long is because I just don't know what to say.  I had reached a point in my grief a little while back where I thought that things were just "fixed."  I thought that I was at a point where I had moved into a place where I felt like this was something that I had dealt with and had "made peace" with.  I was wrong.

Back to School

I seems to me that with every changing season, I am faced with the reality of the loss I have gone through.  I don't think that I realized this until now, and I am sure that this sort of thing is common with other types of loss, but going through it now it has become much more clear. 

One of The Reasons

 

When we lost our daughter in December of 2013, my wife and I knew that we wanted to do something to help others who were faced with the same difficult tragedy that we had just gone through.  We wanted to be able to provide people with help and support.  We wanted to be a place people could turn to when they felt that there was no one they could look to for help.

That is part of why we are doing it.  The other part is the awareness piece.  People do not realize that this sort of thing happens as often as it does.  And when it does happen, they don't know how to react.  For some reason, they view the loss of a child as different then another type of loss.  I am not sure why, but people seem to think that in the case of stillbirth, miscarriage, or fatal diagnosis, it is something different than any other loss or death people face in there lives. 

Let me give an example.  Imagine a close friend dies.  You are at the funeral and of course it is an experience you wouldn't wish on anyone.  You feel lost.  You feel hurt.  You feel like the world has stopped turning.  Then you see another friend or maybe a family member approaching you.  They are here to comfort you and be there for you.  They walk up to you and say, "Are you going to try having friends again?  I hope you do.  You can't let this stop you from having friends.  And at least you are able to make new friends."  How would that make you feel?  Wouldn't you be terribly offended?  Of course you would.  When you lose a baby, these are the things that people say to you.  They mean well.  They think that it's the appropriate thing to say.  But maybe I don't want another child.  Maybe I want my daughter back. 

It is because of this mindset that we feel a need to raise awareness.  It is because people don't wish my wife a Happy Mother's Day.  It is because people don't see the loss as the same.  We are still parents.  We are still grieving the loss of our daughter.  Maybe we didn't "know her" in the physical sense of having spent years with her.  But we did know her.  She is a part of us.  She is a part of our family.  It is no different than when you lose anyone else that is close to you. 

Maybe it's the idea that because the child was unborn, there was not that same connection.  But most people who have children, whether they lost them or they are still alive, know that the connection is there.  A mother who is pregnant knows and feels they baby.  A father knows that child.  And there is the anticipation as well.  You wait for 9 months for this child to come in to the world.  You start building a life around this child.  You start setting up a room, start changing your lifestyle to accommodate for this new addition.  Now you come home with empty arms.  This is not something you just walk away from. 

The reason we need to do this, the reason awareness needs raised is to help people to understand that this is a loss.  We need to help people realize that this is hard and painful and that this child can never be replaced.  If we raise awareness, we can help people to know how hard it is for a family to go through this.  We can help people know that because this is real, there are things that should and should not be said.  It is hard enough for these families to go through baby loss, having people who understand and can be a support will only help them.  This is one of the reasons why we want to do this. 

The 4th Trimester Bodies Project

This past Sunday and Monday I was in Boston. Some of you may have seen my Facebook and instagram post on Monday morning. While it was a wonderful mini getaway with my husband, I was there for a purpose. I was there to take part in a project that I started following not long after Hannah's death.

Happy 4th of July?

 

Happy 4th of July to all of you! 

This is generally one of the times of the year I would really enjoy.  There's fireworks, barbecues, street fairs, the weather is great and there is tons of great food to eat.  However, this year as holidays come and go, they tend to be very bittersweet.  What used to be a time of celebration has now become a reminder of what "should have been."  Today, I should be taking my daughter to Good Neighbor Day at Kerr Park.  It should be her first 4th of July.  She should be having her first experience with fireworks, which I am sure would be a little scary for a baby.  But I don't get this experience at all.  Instead I get reminded that my daughter is gone. 

The Guilt of Joy

I was invited by Victoria back in April or May to go to a concert with her. Her husband gave her two tickets to see the Backstreet Boys (We both LOVE them!) for her upcoming birthday. I was so excited to asked me to go with her. I couldn't wait to go with her!

Amazed that I survived...

Last week I wrote a post about the approach of a day that could be pretty scary for me.  Father's Day approaching brought up a lot of feelings and caused a little anxiety for me.  I had told myself that I would not allow the things that happened to me detract from my day or the pride I should feel as a Father.  I am here to report that I did indeed survive. 

I say this with a little bit of jest, but it was a big deal and I am glad to say that we had a very nice day.  I received a few very nice keepsake gifts.  My wife got me a beautiful frame with a giraffe on it.  I also got a bracelet from my Mother-in-Law that I have been wearing since.  We went out in the morning for a great brunch and had a great time at the Elmwood Park Zoo.  We even got to feed the Giraffes, which is Hannah's animal, so that made it even better. 

Permanent Grief and Sadness

Once a person goes through all 5 stages of grief, that doesn't mean these stages will not appear again in the future. Sometimes certain stages will take longer to work through. There's no time limit. It's important to go through each stage and not try to avoid them, no a matter how painful or uncomfortable they may be. I believe that grief and this sadness will never go away.

And then comes Father's Day

So, here comes Father's Day.  When we first lost Hannah, I didn't really think this sort of thing would be an issue for me.  Father's Day seems to be one of those holidays that doesn't get nearly as much air time as Mother's Day, so in my mind Mother's Day had a better chance of being tough.  Now of course the holiday is approaching and it's a lot different then I anticipated.  I realize now that I have the pain of losing my daughter and that I am a Father with out a child, I notice all the commercials and all the cards and all the ads in the stores that say "Father's day is coming, do something special for Dad."  At first I let it roll off.  I just ignored the fact that it was coming.  But I realized that they keep hammering it and hammering it.  And here I am and what am I supposed to do?  I don't get to have that first Father's Day moments with my daughter.  That was stolen from me. 

Healing My Grieving Heart - Practical Ideas

I purchased the book Healing Your Grieving Heart After Stillbirth - 100 Practical Ideas for Parents and Families by Alan D. Wolfelt and Raelynn Maloney a couple of months ago. I thought I wanted to start these healing activities right away, but I was wrong. I couldn't bring myself to do any of them.
I read through it here and there, but I didn't have the strength to actually do the activities. It's not because they are bad or useless. I love that this book gives practical ideas to do. I needed this. I need to do this. I just needed to wait until I was ready and could put my whole heart into these activities.