Jason versus the Pennsylvania Department of Vital Records - Part 2

It has come to my attention that there have been serious developments since the last time that I posted about this, but I never updated those of you who have taken the time to listen to my story. 

First, a little back story for those who missed it.  I posted in March about my disgust with the state of Pennsylvania and their lack of efficiency when providing my wife and I, bereaved parents, with the Certificate of Birth Resulting in a Stillbirth that certain state legislation has made it my right to have.  When I last posted, I had faxed the form for the umpteenth time and still had not received a response.  I had contacted my local state legislator and had not heard from them either.  That post can be found here. 

The 4th Trimester Bodies Project

This past Sunday and Monday I was in Boston. Some of you may have seen my Facebook and instagram post on Monday morning. While it was a wonderful mini getaway with my husband, I was there for a purpose. I was there to take part in a project that I started following not long after Hannah's death.

The Guilt of Joy

I was invited by Victoria back in April or May to go to a concert with her. Her husband gave her two tickets to see the Backstreet Boys (We both LOVE them!) for her upcoming birthday. I was so excited to asked me to go with her. I couldn't wait to go with her!

Permanent Grief and Sadness

Once a person goes through all 5 stages of grief, that doesn't mean these stages will not appear again in the future. Sometimes certain stages will take longer to work through. There's no time limit. It's important to go through each stage and not try to avoid them, no a matter how painful or uncomfortable they may be. I believe that grief and this sadness will never go away.

Healing My Grieving Heart - Practical Ideas

I purchased the book Healing Your Grieving Heart After Stillbirth - 100 Practical Ideas for Parents and Families by Alan D. Wolfelt and Raelynn Maloney a couple of months ago. I thought I wanted to start these healing activities right away, but I was wrong. I couldn't bring myself to do any of them.
I read through it here and there, but I didn't have the strength to actually do the activities. It's not because they are bad or useless. I love that this book gives practical ideas to do. I needed this. I need to do this. I just needed to wait until I was ready and could put my whole heart into these activities.

A Father's Perspective

A few weeks ago Heather asked me if I would be willing to write for the blog on Fridays and give a father's perspective when it comes to baby loss.  When I agreed to do it, I wasn't really sure what I would write about.  What could I write about?  What perspective do I have to share that could be helpful? 

The world views a father very differently when it comes to the loss of a child then they do a mother.  The loss is much more intimate for a mother, as she has carried the baby.  Even now, I find that most people when they see me often ask "How is your wife?"  As men, we are expected to move on and that it will not have a long lasting effect on us. 

Hannah's Due Date - April 19th, 2014 - The Day Before Easter

April has been hard and this past week has been extremely hard. Right after Hannah passed away I saw other baby loss moms post how hard it was to cope as they approached their babys due date. In the beginning I didn't quite understand it. Would April 19th, 2014 really be that huge and painful for me?

Sharing Your Story - Day 33

1 Peter 3:15

But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.



1. Start with a prayer! Ask for God's wisdom and discernment in what to share.

Dear Lord,

Help through this journey. Help me point all glory back to You. Guide me on what to share and how to share it. There is so much left about my story to be told. I do need wisdom and discernment throughout this journey and as I share my story.

Amen



2. Identify one personal experience in your journey through grief where God has worked through your life.




3. Briefly share what happened. Were you hiding, suffering, questioning, forgiving, relating, seeking?

Hannah was given a fatal diagnosis at her 20 week ultrasound. I was told she wasn't the best and was "incompatible with life" and that I should terminate. I was then told by my high risk Doctor that I should terminate, but only because of my risk of mirror syndrome. I refused to terminate. This was my baby. She deserved a chance to live. Her life was worth so much. We prayed for a miracle, but trusted God in whatever he decided. Hannah passed away in utero on December 23rd, 2013 in her 24th week. She was born via emergency C-section on December 23rd, 2013. We had the funeral and buried our Baby Girl on January 9th, 2014. In the beginning of March it was confirmed that Hannah had a extreme form of Turner Syndrome and that is what claimed her life.



4. What emotions did you experience? Did you feel angry, confused, sad, guilty, lonely, depressed, hopeless?

I was not angry at God. I felt angry, confused, sad, guilty, lonely, depressed, and hopeless during this experience. The feelings come and go. Some feelings are becoming less frequent like anger, loneliness, and confusion.



5. What spiritual lesson did you learn from it? If you were holding a grudge against your doctor, did God show the importance of forgiveness?

I was holding a grudge against my high rick doctor and it didn't happen right away, but God helped me forgive.

Also, a baby lost is a baby lost. Their tiny heartbeats stopped. If we don't claim our babies as ours then who in this world will?



6. What scripture verse applies?

Psalm 139:13-16

Colossians 3:13



7. How can your story inspire others? Revisit your gallery of praise. Is there a painting hanging on the wall that could lead someone to praise God? Picture how God might use you. Here is one example of picturing the end result: "I want to help those who have lost a child understand the need to forgive others who have hurt them and the benefits of forgiving so that they will identify at least one person this week and practice forgiveness."

I think so... I hope so.

There will be dark moments in this journey and that is okay! It's ok to feel angry, depressed, hopeless, sad, confused, lonely, and guilty. You are only human and it is important to allow yourself to feel these emotions not matter how painful they are. Just don't allow yourself to dwell on them and become stuck. If you can not move past or through an emotion(s) then do not be ashamed to seek help and guidance from a pastor, counselor, etc.

I want to help those on this journey of baby loss and bring awareness to others that baby loss is real.

Medication - Am I Crazy?

**Always consult your Doctor about taking medication or about stopping the medication. This post is my own experience and for informational purposes only and not to replace the advice and direction of your Doctor.


The day after I gave birth to Hannah (on Christmas Eve) via emergency c-section my Doctor came to check on me and give me the basic rules of recovery. She wrote out multiple prescriptions (and actually dropped them off for us at the Pharmacy) including pain medicine, prenatal vitamins, iron, colace, Zoloft, and Ativan. Wait... Zoloft and Ativan?! By the expression on my face she knew I didn't want to take those. However, I have an anxiety disorder. I haven't taken anxiety medicine for years. I don't like to. I have learned various technics to help control it. I rarely had panic attacks. So why did I need these two medications? I can control this! My Doctor told me that I don't have to take them but she highly recommended it because of the situation and my anxiety disorder. She explained that I could just take an Ativan as needed (up to three times a day) and it will work right away. She then explained that Zoloft should be taken once a day but will take two weeks to get into my system.

I was initially against taking medication. I can grieve like a "normal" person. I'm not crazy. I can still control it. But I couldn't control it and I couldn't grieve like a "normal" person. My emotions were escalated. Nights were extremely hard. I was left alone with my thoughts and there were so many running through my mind all at once. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. It wasn't until the day after Christmas that I decided to start Zoloft and take Ativan during extreme times of an anxiety attack. Zoloft didn't take effect until the day of Hannah's funeral. I felt like I was finally starting to grieve "normally."

I can barely imagine how I would be without Zoloft and Ativan. It definitely does no come close to making me numb towards my feelings. They just allow me to grieve in a healthy way. I'm not crazy for taking either medication and neither are you. It's ok. Do not be ashamed of taking any type if medication after the loss of your baby. I'm not longer ashamed. There are many things in life we can't control and some of us need a little help to grieve "normally." There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make us failures. It does define us. We need to grieve. We need to take our time and not rush our grief. If you need medication just every so often, every single day, weeks, months, years, or the rest of your life, it's ok.

 

Don't be afraid to talk to your Doctor. Also, don't be afraid to talk to your pastor, counselor, spiritual leader, etc. about taking medication. Sometimes we need a little extra support from others and to acknowledge that it's ok.

 

 

 

Three Months Old Today

Today our sweet Hannah would have been three months old. There's not a day that goes by that we don't think of her. Spring is very bittersweet and so is visiting her grave.

She should be here to enjoy the colors of Spring. And her due date is approaching in April <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">
~ Our Christmas and Spring Baby Always ~

Mommy and Daddy love you so much Hannah.

CHOP - Autopsy Results

Last Thursday my husband and I met with my high risk CHOP doctor to go over Hannah's autopsy results. We had already been given a copy, but we aren't doctors and needed to hear everything from the doctor.

We weren't there long. The doctor took us back right away to her office and confirmed what we all expected, Hannah had Turner Syndrome. Her 45, X chromosome was completely deleted. All of her conditions/medical issues all were caused by Turner Syndrome. The severity of Hannah's Turner Syndrome was extremely rare. My doctors actually told us that most other fatal diagnosis' couldn't even compare to Hannah's fatal diagnosis. So, that fact that she only had Turner Syndrome and nothing else was a little surprising to us and the doctors.

Hannah was and still is our miracle. That fact that she lived into her 24th week is a miracle. I'm so proud to be her mommy and call her my daughter.

p.s.
A fatal diagnosis is devastating for any parent. In the end when our baby dies it doesn't matter the severity of the fatal diagnosis, if it was expected, if it was a shock, due to a fatal diagnosis, or no explanation at all. There is still a precious and innocent life that is lost. This is just my story and my journey.

Back to CHOP Again

This afternoon we go back to CHOP, but instead of trying to help our baby we are going to officially hear the results of our baby's autopsy. It a strange feeling. Our baby shouldn't have had an autopsy. She should have been growing inside me and making her arrival around Easter. But instead she passed away and an autopsy was performed.

Jason and I have a copy of the autopsy. We got it the day it was finished about two weeks ago. The only chromosomal issue is the deletion of the 45, X chromosome (Turner Syndrome) which was completely expected. It also lists in detail everything that was wrong that we were already told. I don't want them to tell me again everything that was wrong with Hannah. I've heard it from doctors over and over again. Turner Syndrome is not hereditary so I don't want to meet them for them to tell us that. But maybe it will be good for me to hear. Maybe it will give some closure on her health.

On top of it all my doctor at CHOP told me when we were there for a second opinion that I could contact her personally with any questions or concerns. So the next day I emailed her. I never heard from her again. She read the email then went behind my back and called my OB/GYN and told her about the email. I'm dealing with some forgiveness issues. This doctor had good bedside manner but lied to me. I'd rather she not offer me to contact her than for her to offer it then just ignore me. I'm asking for God's help so I can forgive her. I'm in a much better place today than I was a week ago with it.



© The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia

There's No Getting Over It

"Move forward"
"Get over it"
"Move on"
and the list goes on...

I couldn't get pregnant for over three years. I got pregnant only to be told she's "not the best baby" and to terminate, because she will die anyway. I carried Hannah for six months. I was sick all six months and was on medication to control it. I risked my life to carry hers. She died and was delivered two days before Christmas. I had to bury her... I had to bury my first and only child. Do you know what it's like to be told your baby is "not the best baby?" What it's like to be told to kill your baby? What it's like to have your baby die? What it's like to deliver a baby only to hear the painful sound of nothing? What it's like to plan your baby's funeral? To decide on the plot your baby will be buried in? Most people will never understand what it's like to walk in my shoes and I pray they never will.

Yet people still think they have a right to make those statements. It doesn't matter if they are said with good intentions or not. If they are said by friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances, or strangers. How can anyone make those statements after everything I've gone through. I'm still so fresh in my grief. I'm still adjusting to my "new normal." This can never be fixed. Hannah died and that can never ever be changed. Time won't change that. The only thing time will change is my ability to adjust to the emptiness and sadness that I will always carry with me, my "new normal." There is no "getting over it."

I will not rush my grief for anyone. I will mourn and grieve in the ways that help me adjust and bring some healing. It hasn't even been two months since we buried Hannah. If you don't like it or disagree etc. just keep it to yourself. I don't expect people to understand, but I do expect people to be sensitive.

For those mommies and daddies who have walked a similar path as me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the loss of your sweet baby(s). I'm sorry that people make those statements to you. I'm sorry you are left to figure out how to adjust to this "new normal."

 "My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word" Psalm 119:28 NIV

I Forgot I Wasn't Pregnant Anymore

It's heartbreaking to touch my belly only to remember that I'm not pregnant anymore. That Hannah is no longer with us on this earth. It's has happened multiple times and it's equally heartbreaking every single time. She should still be there growing inside me and preparing to be born into this world. She should still be able to hear my voice and my laughter. I miss being pregnant with her. Every so often I still feel her move like everything is ok. I wish those phantom movements were real. Instead, it's all an extra reminder of what should have been. It breaks my husband's heart when I tell him.

No one told me I would forget for a split second that I wasn't pregnant anymore. No one told me that I would still "feel her move."

But for those split seconds of forgetting and phantom movements, I feel the joy I had when her heart was still beating inside.

 

This Just Sucks!

This just sucks, plain and simple. Losing my baby sucks. Learning to live without my baby sucks. This whole entire situation sucks.

It hurts emotionally and physically. My heart literally aches. My arm literally aches. I just want to hold her. I just want to show her my love. I just want her here. There are times I just break down and literally have no control over it. It's happened during church, at a musical, at the mall, watching tv, laying in bed, and many others places. There are terrible days I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. There are ok days when I enjoy moments throughout the day. There are days that are a mixture. I can easily talk about Hannah's health, but there are other things I can't mention or barely think about without breaking down.

It doesn't matter how strong we are, if we take medicine to help with the emotional pain, if we are young moms or older moms or moms in between, if we are religious, if we have other living children, if we have support, losing our babies sucks. It's that simple.

As mommies and daddies of baby loss we are allowed to say it sucks, to have bad days, bad moments, to grieve and mourn. Our lives have been forever changed and it will never be the same.

Psalm 34:18          
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

 

Two Months Old Today

Today our baby girl Hannah would have been two months old. We miss and love her so much. It feels like so long ago, yet the pain is still so fresh and raw.

Mommy and Daddy love you, our sweet Hannah.

 

The Story Behind the Giraffe

The giraffe is Hannah's animal. Every time I see a giraffe I think of her. I have the urge to purchase every giraffe stuffed animal I see and every baby item that has a giraffe. I'm able to control myself sometimes and other times I just give in. Most people know the giraffe is Hannah's animal.

Recently, I have been asked the story behind the Giraffe as her animal and how that came to be. To be honest it was completely unintentional and it evolved on its own and it evolved fast. After we received the devastating news for the second time at CHOP, we knew that we wanted to have a 3D/4D ultrasound done. We wanted to have this done when we first found our we were expecting before the devastating news. But now we knew we had to schedule it right away because we didn't know how much time Hannah had left with us on this earth.

We were able to get an appointment for December 19th, 2013 at 1pm in the afternoon. We invited our parents and siblings to come. At this point we weren't 100% sure that Hannah was a girl, but based on the anomalies she most likely was. Jason's parents and sister were able to attend and so was my mom. It was wonderful seeing Hannah on the screen, but unfortunately (except for the back of her head, neck, and ears) we weren't able to see her in 3D. She was positioned with her face in the placenta and facing my back with her legs under her body. That meant we weren't able to see her gender either. After seeing her, seeing her heartbeat, and hearing her heartbeat and multiple attempts to get her to move the session ended. The owners of InnerView Ultrasound were so nice and knew the whole situation and why we were there in Hannah's 23rd week. They offered for us to come back again on January 2nd, 2014 and we quickly agreed. They were aware that something could happen sooner than anyone wanted to admit.

We knew that we wanted a stuffed animal with Hannah's heartbeat inside and now with the fatal diagnosis we wanted to get our mothers each a stuffed animal with her heartbeat for Christmas. I had a strong feeling that we should all pick out the stuffed animals that day and not wait. This was an extremely emotional time, especially for our mothers and they picked out the stuffed animal that would hold their granddaughters heartbeat. They had many cute stuffed animals and all different sizes. Jason's mom picked out an adorable white bunny. My mom picked out a sweet lamb, because that is what she did my nursery theme when I was a baby. Even as I type this I'm fighting back the tears and I'm barely winning. I really liked a pink bunny that I saw, but I didn't want to get it for the slim chance that she wasn't a girl. Then we saw the giraffe. It was adorable. We instantly wanted that one. We were surprised that we were so confident and chose a giraffe. The giraffe is not our favorite animal, but we needed and wanted that one for our precious baby. The giraffe still didn't become Hannah's official animal. We had no intention of it being the giraffe. We had no idea Hannah would have an official animal.

That following Sunday on December 22nd, 2013 we were Christmas shopping and I wanted to make sure we bought a special blanket for Hannah to be wrapped in when she was born (here come the tears again). I wasn't sure what I wanted, but I knew it had to be special and I would know it when I saw it. I personally didn't want to go to a Target or a Walmart etc. (nothing wrong if you choose or chose to, this was just my personal preference. I love Target!). We are lucky enough to have had a small Carter's store open us near us and I wanted to go there. It was so hard walking in that store knowing that Hannah could never wear any of these adorable and tiny outfits. After a few minutes I saw the perfect blanket. It was a swaddle blanket covered in giraffes. I had to get it. It was perfect. Then my eyes instantly went to the security blanket next to the giraffe print blanker. The security blanket was white with a white a giraffe and on the side it read, "Mommy loves me." I had to have them both. I handed them to Jason to buy. I could barely hold back the tears. I couldn't stay in the store any longer and had to walk outside and wait for Jason. I walked a few feet away from the store and just cried. In those moments Hannah's animal officially became the giraffe. We couldn't be happier and we love how special this has become to us and how it happened organically. We didn't need to say a word to our close friend and family. They just knew when Hannah was born the next day and saw the giraffe blanket she was wrapped in and the giraffe security blanket snuggled with her.



Hannah's giraffe security blanket we got her the day before she passed away and was born.

My close friend came to visit me and gave me the cutest TY Beanie Ballz giraffe named Tippy! It's missing one of its ears. It wasn't torn off or anything. Tippy simply didn't have that one. This made Tippy even more special because even though she's not perfect according to the world's standard she's still perfect to me, just like Hannah is. My close friend also gave me a keepsake necklace in memory of Hannah complete with a mommy and baby giraffe for Christmas. To celebrate Hannah's birthday we bought baby giraffes to put on and with her birthday cake. We will use them with her birthday cake every year. I made a Christmas stocking for Hannah with a giraffe and a giraffe patterned heart on it and we will hang it for her every Christmas. The outfit Hannah was buried in wasn't fancy or girly. It was a micro preemie onesie that had giraffes (and other safari animals) on it. I bought the exact same giraffe blanket, that she was wrapped in the day she was born, so she could be wrapped and buried in the giraffe blanket that matched. We included a drawing of a baby giraffe in Hannah's funeral programs too. I couldn't part with the one she was wrapped in at the hospital. Now we each have one. To celebrate Hannah's monthly birthdays for the first year and her yearly birthday every year after that, we use a chalkboard with a cute giraffe sticker on it.

We talked to our close friend and family how funny it is how the giraffe just became Hannah's official animal. We wouldn't have it any other way. Hannah knew her favorite animal from the start.



 

 

 

 

 

How do I be a mother to my child... when my only child is in Heaven?

 

Hannah is my only child. I have so much love to give her. I have a deep instinct to mother her and show her unconditional love. Right after Hannah passed away I struggled with being a mother with my only baby in Heaven. It was a gut wrenching feeling. Most people can't understand and I pray they never can. It still hurts and I'm still trying to figure it out. And in reality it can never be fully figured out, because Hannah is in Heaven. Many of my friends recently became first time moms. First, let me say I'm so happy for them! I do look at the photos they share and I pray they never experience the loss of their child at any age.

Hannah's First Christmas Dress

With a new baby comes much excitement. Everything is a new experience for that baby. Parents take monthly pictures of their babies celebrating "1 month", "2 months", and so on. They also buy "My First ___" outfits and accessories. But when your baby dies these things are taken away. But why should they be taken from us? Why can't we still celebrate our baby's life? I decided that Hannah's life deserves to be celebrated and I deserve to be a mother to her still. I decided that I am going to celebrate her life every month for the first year. Just like mothers of living babies do. I also decided I'm going to celebrate her life by getting her the "My First ___" outfits and accessories. Just like mothers of living babies do.

Hannah's 1 Month Old Sticker and Outfit



In beginning, I was scared and nervous that this was just an awful idea. That it might make things worse than they already are. But it's been the exact opposite. It is bittersweet but it's a wonderful experience at the same time. I'm giving myself the experience of being a first time mom by picking out adorable items for my daughter. Enjoying my first baby. It will never be the same but its all I have and I refuse to let it go or to let someone take that away.

 

 

The Bib Hannah's Daddy Picked Out for Her



"Do you have any kids?"

"Do you have any kids?"... When you have lost your baby... your only baby... this question is no longer simple. It carries a whole new meaning. It was powerless before, but now can spark a wide range of emotions. I was so nervous to be asked this question for the first time. What feelings would arise? Would I cry? Would I give the "wrong" answer out of habit or panic? What if I become physically upset?

Well... Today was the day I was asked that question for the first time. I can't describe the emotions I felt. It seemed to be a mixture of them. It was asked by a girl who I just started working with (We work with toddlers together every Wednesday at church.). I knew the question had to come up eventually. I was so relieved that it finally did. I was so relieved it was asked by someone I am building a new friendship with. There was slight panic inside still, but I gave the "right" answer, the answer I knew I wanted to give when asked. I simply replied, "Yes, but she passed away." It felt so good to acknowledge her to someone who has never heard our story. I did start to become a little teary eyed, but I was able to keep my composure. My new friend was instantly taken back. She apologized for my loss and obviously had some guilt for asking the questions. I assured her that it was ok and that I was glad she asked. I truly am, because I want the world to acknowledge Hannah and know who she is.

I didn't tell her our story. I just couldn't yet. It's different for me talking about Hannah and sharing our story to someone I know or online than it is talking to a stranger or a new friends. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the look of sadness, shock, and devastation on their faces. They acknowledge my pain without saying a word or knowing our story. The emotions are very raw and I need to take small steps sharing our story and talking about Hannah to new people. If I'm asked questions then I will answer them. I just may get upset and cry, but you know what, that's ok!

The day our world stopped turning

On December 23rd, 2013, our world stopped turning.  We went to our regularly scheduled doctor’s appointment, where Heather was to be checked for signs of mirror syndrome and the baby was to be checked for heart beat.  This was not our first such appointment, so we knew how they go. After a few minutes in the doctor’s office, we knew something was wrong.  The Doctor kept checking for a heart beat on her mini Doppler, but was unable to find the sound.  She switched to her ultrasound machine to see if she could visually find the heartbeat.  After only a few seconds, the doctor determined there was none.  She sent us immediately to Maternal Fetal Medicine for confirmation.  They took us right in, only to confirm the worst news we could expect to hear.  Our baby had passed away in utero sometime that morning.

The hours that followed this were a whirlwind.  Our parents met us at the hospital to support us.  Afterhours of waiting, they took Heather back for an emergency C-Section.  The hour in the operating room felt like days.  After the baby was born, the doctor baptized the baby on the spot.

Our daughter, Hannah Sue Kimble, was born and passed away on December 23rd, 2013.  She weighed just 1 pound and 3 ounces, and was 10 inches long.  She will receive a birth certificate.  There was no warning, and no words that can express the difficulty or the pain we have gone through and are going through. 

The only thing that we have been able to feel that is positive in this situation is that the Hannah did not suffer and that we were not forced to make any difficult medical decisions. We know that Hannah is in heaven with her Savior and that she has been made whole.