Inspired by...

 As some of you may or may not know, I am an artist.  I do lots of different types of art, paintings, etc. After Hannah had passed away, Heather had suggested I paint or do some kind of art inspired by her that we could have around the house.  It took me a while to get myself in a place where I could do it.  At first I wasn't even sure I wanted to.  I don't know why, but it just felt off.  How could I make something beautiful or even nice?

When Heather started this blog and started working on the ideas of the non-profit, she suggested that maybe I could do a small piece for a few women that she had met through the site.  She said it was something she thought I could sell through my art site and it could be a nice keepsake for parents who have suffered loss as well as raise some money for the non-profit.  I started toying with ideas.  A few weeks later she asked me to do some specifically and I did.  At first it was weird, then it became more liberating.  I felt like I was doing something important.  I even did 2 pieces for Heather in honor of our daughter.  This is how the empty arms project started. 

What it's like part 2

So I thought I would cheat a little.  I want to talk about something that piggy backs on to what I had written last week about the insensitive comparisons people make.  The day after I posted my piece, I saw something on Facebook that had was a news story being shared by the local news station.  The story was about pet memorials.  The teaser for the piece read something to the affect that our pets are like our children and losing them is like losing a child.  Of course I was offended by reading it.  I thought to myself, "How can they write something like that without thinking."  This is not just something that would be offensive to me or offensive to people in my situation.  What if your child was a soldier killed in battle?  Would they make that comparison?  But it seemed no one had thought about it.  At first I was just going to let it go.  Chalk it up to another one of those "dumb things people say."  I was going to let it roll off my back and not let it be something that bothered me.  But then I realized, if no one ever says anything how can we expect it to be fixed in the future?

A Letter- Victoria's Story

Everyone has their own way of grieving. Some like to write poetry and listen to music, some like to create a memorial, some go through old photo albums filled with pictures, some write, and so much more.

I have several ways I deal with my grief, but my go-to is writing. I have a journal on my laptop where I just write whatever comes to me. I have an actual bound journal that I keep by my bed for thoughts and reflections. Both of these journals help me release what is inside of me and help me to find words when I feel completely lost and speechless.

This week has been a particularly hard week. I should be half-way through my pregnancy with my 4th Angel. I should be finding out if our precious baby was a boy or a girl. I should be planning a gender reveal party and kicking into high-gear with nursery decorating. I should be laughing at how big my belly is getting and how I am starting to get that pregnancy walk. I should be happy.

I sat down last night and wrote a letter to our 4th Angel, and I wanted to share it with you. Perhaps, as you are moving through your own grief, this letter will help you to find your own words and write for comfort and release.

My Angel,

You should be getting so big and strong in my womb- kicking your legs and stretching your arms. I should feel you moving as your Daddy and I push on my belly to watch you roll to go back to sleep. I should be finding out this week if you are a boy or a girl. No matter what though, we would be happy. You are perfect and you are ours.

Even though I never got to meet you or feel a kick, I knew you were there. I felt your presence and cherished every moment. You are still perfect and you are certainly still my child. I long to feel your kick and to see your chubby cheeks on the screen.

Maybe my pregnancy would have been tough- filled with sickness and back pain. I want you to know, I would choose to be sick every day for 40 weeks with glee to hold you in my arms.

My only comfort is knowing you are in Heaven with God. I know he holds you in his arms and you know a happiness unlike any found on Earth. While it comforts me to know you are with God, my heart still breaks because you are not with me. We are all God's children first, but I still longed to be your Mom and hold you in my arms. I wanted to rock you to sleep, tell you stories, buy you your first bike, see your face light up when you saw the ocean for the first time, and kiss away your tears.

I am only human and I struggle with God's plan. Being blessed with a child is a gift unlike any other. It is a miracle and an honor to be bestowed with the responsibility of being a Mother. Why take that away? What is the plan? I am trying so hard to walk this journey and not waiver in my faith- but it is not always easy.

I often wonder if you have met my Grandfathers and other family members. I get great comfort out of picturing my Grandfathers holding you tight and telling you all of their crazy stories. You will know everything there is to know about everything if you have met them. They are both great story-tellers. I have this picture of my Grandfathers holding you, wrapped in a soft yellow blanket, and smiling at you as they tell you about me. It brings me so much joy to think of you with them.

I want you to know that my love for you never stops- it only grows. I think of you every day and always will. I know I am blessed to have been chosen as your Mother, if only for a short time, but that doesn't stop my heart from aching.

I love you for always,

Your Mom.

Helping Those Going Through Baby Loss - We Need Your Help

{Click here to donate.}

**Update! Hannah's Heart and Love is officially a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization as of September 1st, 2014. But we are still in desperate need of donations both monetary and item donations. Any and all support is so greatly appreciated.

Losing our first and only child was one of the hardest things we have ever had to deal with as a couple.  It was full of heart ache, confusion, sadness, anger, and so many other emotions that making a list is nearly impossible.  When we first received the news that Hannah had some things that would make her chances of survival slim, we were lost.  What made this even harder is that there was really no where we could turn.  During the time from when we found out and even after she had passed away, there seemed to be a general lack of knowledge and support for us to turn towards.  Of course we had the support of our family and friends, but there were minimal resources available to help us.

Losing Hannah created a whole list of things that we now had thrown at us and didn’t know how to handle.  How do we handle such grief?  How do we explain ourselves to people?  How do we go home from the hospital with empty arms?  How do we plan a funeral and how do we pay for it?  This is just a few of the things that started going through our heads.  We had no answers, no where to look for answers and were forced to start working on these things on our own. 

Before we lost Hannah, we could never fully understand what it is like to lose a child.  We didn’t realize how real and painful this is.  There is a general lack of education and conversation about this topic.  People do not have a true understanding of everything that this tragic situation brings with it.  Many people, it seems just assume it all just goes away.  They think that people just move on and that it’s like nothing ever happened.     It is not just a minor thing that passes or fades.  I know this and feel this every time I see a baby or see an outfit or a photo frame or hear about people expecting because I know that at the end of the day, we had to go home without our baby.  The pain that we feel every day is absolutely real.  Our daughter is absolutely real. 

It is because of all of these reasons that we decided that we wanted to start Hannah’s Heart and Love.  The idea is to create a non-profit whose goal is to help families through the tragedy of baby loss.  With Hannah’s Heart and Love, we want to be able to provide aids and resources for the families who have lost.  We also want to provide “recovery boxes” to help the new mommy who is on the mend.  Finally it is also our goal to raise awareness and to educate people that baby loss is real and that it is not just something that will go away with time. 

In order for us to be able to help others, we need your help.  We are currently in the process of getting this non-profit off the ground.  The money that we are hoping to raise will be to help us pay for all of the fees and costs associated with starting such a venture, as well as used to help create packages and print materials to be used to help spread the word, educate people, and get our resource into the hands of those in need.  We have gone through this tragedy, but we don’t want our loss to just be the end of things.  We want to be able to take this bad experience and use it to help others.  Please help us to bring support, healing, and education to the people who need it.  We thank you in advance for your support. 

Losing our first and only child was one of the hardest things we have ever had to deal with as a couple.  It was full of heart ache, confusion, sadness, anger, and so many other emotions that making a list is nearly impossible.  When we first received the news that Hannah had some things that would make her chances of survival slim, we were lost.  What made this even harder is that there was really no where we could turn.  During the time from when we found out and even after she had passed away, there seemed to be a general lack of knowledge and support for us to turn towards.  Of course we had the support of our family and friends, but there were minimal resources available to help us.

Losing Hannah created a whole list of things that we now had thrown at us and didn’t know how to handle.  How do we handle such grief?  How do we explain ourselves to people?  How do we go home from the hospital with empty arms?  How do we plan a funeral and how do we pay for it?  This is just a few of the things that started going through our heads.  We had no answers, no where to look for answers and were forced to start working on these things on our own. 

Before we lost Hannah, we could never fully understand what it is like to lose a child.  We didn’t realize how real and painful this is.  There is a general lack of education and conversation about this topic.  People do not have a true understanding of everything that this tragic situation brings with it.  Many people, it seems just assume it all just goes away.  They think that people just move on and that it’s like nothing ever happened.     It is not just a minor thing that passes or fades.  I know this and feel this every time I see a baby or see an outfit or a photo frame or hear about people expecting because I know that at the end of the day, we had to go home without our baby.  The pain that we feel every day is absolutely real.  Our daughter is absolutely real. 

It is because of all of these reasons that we decided that we wanted to start Hannah’s Heart and Love.  The idea is to create a non-profit whose goal is to help families through the tragedy of baby loss.  With Hannah’s Heart and Love, we want to be able to provide aids and resources for the families who have lost.  We also want to provide “recovery boxes” to help the new mommy who is on the mend.  Finally it is also our goal to raise awareness and to educate people that baby loss is real and that it is not just something that will go away with time. 

In order for us to be able to help others, we need your help.  We are currently in the process of getting this non-profit off the ground.  The money that we are hoping to raise will be to help us pay for all of the fees and costs associated with starting such a venture, as well as used to help create packages and print materials to be used to help spread the word, educate people, and get our resource into the hands of those in need.  We have gone through this tragedy, but we don’t want our loss to just be the end of things.  We want to be able to take this bad experience and use it to help others.  Please help us to bring support, healing, and education to the people who need it.  We thank you in advance for your support. 

 

 

The Story Behind the Giraffe

The giraffe is Hannah's animal. Every time I see a giraffe I think of her. I have the urge to purchase every giraffe stuffed animal I see and every baby item that has a giraffe. I'm able to control myself sometimes and other times I just give in. Most people know the giraffe is Hannah's animal.

Recently, I have been asked the story behind the Giraffe as her animal and how that came to be. To be honest it was completely unintentional and it evolved on its own and it evolved fast. After we received the devastating news for the second time at CHOP, we knew that we wanted to have a 3D/4D ultrasound done. We wanted to have this done when we first found our we were expecting before the devastating news. But now we knew we had to schedule it right away because we didn't know how much time Hannah had left with us on this earth.

We were able to get an appointment for December 19th, 2013 at 1pm in the afternoon. We invited our parents and siblings to come. At this point we weren't 100% sure that Hannah was a girl, but based on the anomalies she most likely was. Jason's parents and sister were able to attend and so was my mom. It was wonderful seeing Hannah on the screen, but unfortunately (except for the back of her head, neck, and ears) we weren't able to see her in 3D. She was positioned with her face in the placenta and facing my back with her legs under her body. That meant we weren't able to see her gender either. After seeing her, seeing her heartbeat, and hearing her heartbeat and multiple attempts to get her to move the session ended. The owners of InnerView Ultrasound were so nice and knew the whole situation and why we were there in Hannah's 23rd week. They offered for us to come back again on January 2nd, 2014 and we quickly agreed. They were aware that something could happen sooner than anyone wanted to admit.

We knew that we wanted a stuffed animal with Hannah's heartbeat inside and now with the fatal diagnosis we wanted to get our mothers each a stuffed animal with her heartbeat for Christmas. I had a strong feeling that we should all pick out the stuffed animals that day and not wait. This was an extremely emotional time, especially for our mothers and they picked out the stuffed animal that would hold their granddaughters heartbeat. They had many cute stuffed animals and all different sizes. Jason's mom picked out an adorable white bunny. My mom picked out a sweet lamb, because that is what she did my nursery theme when I was a baby. Even as I type this I'm fighting back the tears and I'm barely winning. I really liked a pink bunny that I saw, but I didn't want to get it for the slim chance that she wasn't a girl. Then we saw the giraffe. It was adorable. We instantly wanted that one. We were surprised that we were so confident and chose a giraffe. The giraffe is not our favorite animal, but we needed and wanted that one for our precious baby. The giraffe still didn't become Hannah's official animal. We had no intention of it being the giraffe. We had no idea Hannah would have an official animal.

That following Sunday on December 22nd, 2013 we were Christmas shopping and I wanted to make sure we bought a special blanket for Hannah to be wrapped in when she was born (here come the tears again). I wasn't sure what I wanted, but I knew it had to be special and I would know it when I saw it. I personally didn't want to go to a Target or a Walmart etc. (nothing wrong if you choose or chose to, this was just my personal preference. I love Target!). We are lucky enough to have had a small Carter's store open us near us and I wanted to go there. It was so hard walking in that store knowing that Hannah could never wear any of these adorable and tiny outfits. After a few minutes I saw the perfect blanket. It was a swaddle blanket covered in giraffes. I had to get it. It was perfect. Then my eyes instantly went to the security blanket next to the giraffe print blanker. The security blanket was white with a white a giraffe and on the side it read, "Mommy loves me." I had to have them both. I handed them to Jason to buy. I could barely hold back the tears. I couldn't stay in the store any longer and had to walk outside and wait for Jason. I walked a few feet away from the store and just cried. In those moments Hannah's animal officially became the giraffe. We couldn't be happier and we love how special this has become to us and how it happened organically. We didn't need to say a word to our close friend and family. They just knew when Hannah was born the next day and saw the giraffe blanket she was wrapped in and the giraffe security blanket snuggled with her.



Hannah's giraffe security blanket we got her the day before she passed away and was born.

My close friend came to visit me and gave me the cutest TY Beanie Ballz giraffe named Tippy! It's missing one of its ears. It wasn't torn off or anything. Tippy simply didn't have that one. This made Tippy even more special because even though she's not perfect according to the world's standard she's still perfect to me, just like Hannah is. My close friend also gave me a keepsake necklace in memory of Hannah complete with a mommy and baby giraffe for Christmas. To celebrate Hannah's birthday we bought baby giraffes to put on and with her birthday cake. We will use them with her birthday cake every year. I made a Christmas stocking for Hannah with a giraffe and a giraffe patterned heart on it and we will hang it for her every Christmas. The outfit Hannah was buried in wasn't fancy or girly. It was a micro preemie onesie that had giraffes (and other safari animals) on it. I bought the exact same giraffe blanket, that she was wrapped in the day she was born, so she could be wrapped and buried in the giraffe blanket that matched. We included a drawing of a baby giraffe in Hannah's funeral programs too. I couldn't part with the one she was wrapped in at the hospital. Now we each have one. To celebrate Hannah's monthly birthdays for the first year and her yearly birthday every year after that, we use a chalkboard with a cute giraffe sticker on it.

We talked to our close friend and family how funny it is how the giraffe just became Hannah's official animal. We wouldn't have it any other way. Hannah knew her favorite animal from the start.



 

 

 

 

 

A Surprise at the Door!

Last night my husband and I decided to get coffee (chai for me!) together at Barnes and Nobles. We wanted to just give ourselves a break from everything and just relax and enjoy each others company. We expected to come home and just do our usual evening routine. As I walked to our porch I noticed a package from the post office. I had no idea who it was from or what was inside.

When I finally got the package inside I saw that it was from The Smallest Gift. I still wasn't sure what was inside, but I knew it was something in memory of Hannah (I forget things often since Hannah passed away. Eventually I remember them again). When I opened the package and saw what was inside I instantly remembered! A few weeks ago I requested a personalized baby blanket and a weighted heart in memory of Hannah. I was so happy to see them inside! They are beautiful! I couldn't wait to show Jason and take pictures of them. I absolutely love holding the heart. The heart weighs exactly what Hannah weighed when she was born, 1lb and 3oz. She was so tiny. I spent the evening with the heart rested on my chest. It's so nice to "feel" her. We can't thank The Smallest Gift enough for these wonderful gifts in memory of my Hannah. It is so wonderful that they take the time to do this for families who have lost their babies.