One of The Reasons

 

When we lost our daughter in December of 2013, my wife and I knew that we wanted to do something to help others who were faced with the same difficult tragedy that we had just gone through.  We wanted to be able to provide people with help and support.  We wanted to be a place people could turn to when they felt that there was no one they could look to for help.

That is part of why we are doing it.  The other part is the awareness piece.  People do not realize that this sort of thing happens as often as it does.  And when it does happen, they don't know how to react.  For some reason, they view the loss of a child as different then another type of loss.  I am not sure why, but people seem to think that in the case of stillbirth, miscarriage, or fatal diagnosis, it is something different than any other loss or death people face in there lives. 

Let me give an example.  Imagine a close friend dies.  You are at the funeral and of course it is an experience you wouldn't wish on anyone.  You feel lost.  You feel hurt.  You feel like the world has stopped turning.  Then you see another friend or maybe a family member approaching you.  They are here to comfort you and be there for you.  They walk up to you and say, "Are you going to try having friends again?  I hope you do.  You can't let this stop you from having friends.  And at least you are able to make new friends."  How would that make you feel?  Wouldn't you be terribly offended?  Of course you would.  When you lose a baby, these are the things that people say to you.  They mean well.  They think that it's the appropriate thing to say.  But maybe I don't want another child.  Maybe I want my daughter back. 

It is because of this mindset that we feel a need to raise awareness.  It is because people don't wish my wife a Happy Mother's Day.  It is because people don't see the loss as the same.  We are still parents.  We are still grieving the loss of our daughter.  Maybe we didn't "know her" in the physical sense of having spent years with her.  But we did know her.  She is a part of us.  She is a part of our family.  It is no different than when you lose anyone else that is close to you. 

Maybe it's the idea that because the child was unborn, there was not that same connection.  But most people who have children, whether they lost them or they are still alive, know that the connection is there.  A mother who is pregnant knows and feels they baby.  A father knows that child.  And there is the anticipation as well.  You wait for 9 months for this child to come in to the world.  You start building a life around this child.  You start setting up a room, start changing your lifestyle to accommodate for this new addition.  Now you come home with empty arms.  This is not something you just walk away from. 

The reason we need to do this, the reason awareness needs raised is to help people to understand that this is a loss.  We need to help people realize that this is hard and painful and that this child can never be replaced.  If we raise awareness, we can help people to know how hard it is for a family to go through this.  We can help people know that because this is real, there are things that should and should not be said.  It is hard enough for these families to go through baby loss, having people who understand and can be a support will only help them.  This is one of the reasons why we want to do this. 

Amazed that I survived...

Last week I wrote a post about the approach of a day that could be pretty scary for me.  Father's Day approaching brought up a lot of feelings and caused a little anxiety for me.  I had told myself that I would not allow the things that happened to me detract from my day or the pride I should feel as a Father.  I am here to report that I did indeed survive. 

I say this with a little bit of jest, but it was a big deal and I am glad to say that we had a very nice day.  I received a few very nice keepsake gifts.  My wife got me a beautiful frame with a giraffe on it.  I also got a bracelet from my Mother-in-Law that I have been wearing since.  We went out in the morning for a great brunch and had a great time at the Elmwood Park Zoo.  We even got to feed the Giraffes, which is Hannah's animal, so that made it even better. 

And then comes Father's Day

So, here comes Father's Day.  When we first lost Hannah, I didn't really think this sort of thing would be an issue for me.  Father's Day seems to be one of those holidays that doesn't get nearly as much air time as Mother's Day, so in my mind Mother's Day had a better chance of being tough.  Now of course the holiday is approaching and it's a lot different then I anticipated.  I realize now that I have the pain of losing my daughter and that I am a Father with out a child, I notice all the commercials and all the cards and all the ads in the stores that say "Father's day is coming, do something special for Dad."  At first I let it roll off.  I just ignored the fact that it was coming.  But I realized that they keep hammering it and hammering it.  And here I am and what am I supposed to do?  I don't get to have that first Father's Day moments with my daughter.  That was stolen from me. 

What it's like part 2

So I thought I would cheat a little.  I want to talk about something that piggy backs on to what I had written last week about the insensitive comparisons people make.  The day after I posted my piece, I saw something on Facebook that had was a news story being shared by the local news station.  The story was about pet memorials.  The teaser for the piece read something to the affect that our pets are like our children and losing them is like losing a child.  Of course I was offended by reading it.  I thought to myself, "How can they write something like that without thinking."  This is not just something that would be offensive to me or offensive to people in my situation.  What if your child was a soldier killed in battle?  Would they make that comparison?  But it seemed no one had thought about it.  At first I was just going to let it go.  Chalk it up to another one of those "dumb things people say."  I was going to let it roll off my back and not let it be something that bothered me.  But then I realized, if no one ever says anything how can we expect it to be fixed in the future?

A Father's Grief

When Heather and I lost Hannah, it created a whirlwind of emotions.  We went through all sorts of anger, sadness, grief, and so much more.  But through all of this, I observed something.  Fathers and Mothers go through very different kinds of grief.  I know there are things that are similar and we have both lost, but there is something that is different about it as a Father. 

A Father's Perspective

A few weeks ago Heather asked me if I would be willing to write for the blog on Fridays and give a father's perspective when it comes to baby loss.  When I agreed to do it, I wasn't really sure what I would write about.  What could I write about?  What perspective do I have to share that could be helpful? 

The world views a father very differently when it comes to the loss of a child then they do a mother.  The loss is much more intimate for a mother, as she has carried the baby.  Even now, I find that most people when they see me often ask "How is your wife?"  As men, we are expected to move on and that it will not have a long lasting effect on us.