My Baby is Missing

by Heather Kimble

 

What can I do?

 

What can I say?

 

I'm done.

 

I'm tired of feeling this way.

Being completely open with you...

I started blogging to express my feelings after losing Hannah. I also started blogging because I wanted others to know that they weren't alone in this journey of losing a baby. I wanted to keep myself raw and basically completely unedited as I wrote about my personal journey and feelings.

With that being said I want to apologize for being so absent. There have been many different things happening in my life, in addition to learning to life without my Baby Girl. To be completely honest, I'm struggling to keep my head above water. My level of anxiety and stress are now making me physically sick, in addition to losing hair since delivering Hannah. Medication isn't controlling my anxiety as well as it once was, but I don't want to add more medications. I am attempting to find natural ways to help. I know many of you can relate.

I'm still learning. I'm still trying to grow. I'm still trying to figure this "new normal" out.

Back to School

I seems to me that with every changing season, I am faced with the reality of the loss I have gone through.  I don't think that I realized this until now, and I am sure that this sort of thing is common with other types of loss, but going through it now it has become much more clear. 

Happy 4th of July?

 

Happy 4th of July to all of you! 

This is generally one of the times of the year I would really enjoy.  There's fireworks, barbecues, street fairs, the weather is great and there is tons of great food to eat.  However, this year as holidays come and go, they tend to be very bittersweet.  What used to be a time of celebration has now become a reminder of what "should have been."  Today, I should be taking my daughter to Good Neighbor Day at Kerr Park.  It should be her first 4th of July.  She should be having her first experience with fireworks, which I am sure would be a little scary for a baby.  But I don't get this experience at all.  Instead I get reminded that my daughter is gone. 

Permanent Grief and Sadness

Once a person goes through all 5 stages of grief, that doesn't mean these stages will not appear again in the future. Sometimes certain stages will take longer to work through. There's no time limit. It's important to go through each stage and not try to avoid them, no a matter how painful or uncomfortable they may be. I believe that grief and this sadness will never go away.

And then comes Father's Day

So, here comes Father's Day.  When we first lost Hannah, I didn't really think this sort of thing would be an issue for me.  Father's Day seems to be one of those holidays that doesn't get nearly as much air time as Mother's Day, so in my mind Mother's Day had a better chance of being tough.  Now of course the holiday is approaching and it's a lot different then I anticipated.  I realize now that I have the pain of losing my daughter and that I am a Father with out a child, I notice all the commercials and all the cards and all the ads in the stores that say "Father's day is coming, do something special for Dad."  At first I let it roll off.  I just ignored the fact that it was coming.  But I realized that they keep hammering it and hammering it.  And here I am and what am I supposed to do?  I don't get to have that first Father's Day moments with my daughter.  That was stolen from me. 

What it's like...

Life is full of difficult situations.  I realize that in comparison to losing my first child, most other issues seem to pale in comparison.  I don't get as upset about the little things any more because I have been through the worst possible thing I can imagine.  I also realize that if a person has never gone through this tragedy they are not going to fully understand what it is to go through it.  I hope that people who never have gone through it never will.  That being said, I also wish people would learn to think before they speak.

I am not asking people to walk around on eggshells for me.  I am not even asking people to remember what I have gone through and think about it before they say things to me.

A Father's Grief

When Heather and I lost Hannah, it created a whirlwind of emotions.  We went through all sorts of anger, sadness, grief, and so much more.  But through all of this, I observed something.  Fathers and Mothers go through very different kinds of grief.  I know there are things that are similar and we have both lost, but there is something that is different about it as a Father. 

Happy-Sad Days - Day 9

Malachi 3:6

I the Lord do not change.


1. Take a few moments to reflect on your child. How old would he or she be now? What do you think he or she would be like?

Hannah would be about 2 1/2 months old. I truly believe she would have been a happy baby. That she would have such a beautiful smile. Hannah would have definitely been stubborn like me and her Daddy. But a sweet, sweet baby.


2. Certain dates ay trigger happy-sad emotions about your child. Some people may grieve these dates silently, while others find it helpful to express their grief through planting a tree or giving to a special cause in memory of their child. What is your plan?

I express my grief on certain dates like every month on the 23rd I buy Hannah an outfit and her Daddy buys her flowers, but on the 9th of every month I've grieved silently. I plan on expressing my grief.


3. Write a letter to your child in Heaven. Ask questions. Share your feelings.

Dear Hannah,

I miss you and love you so much. My heart aches to have you and my arms ache to hold you. But I know you are in the arms of God. You only know love and happiness. My sweet Hannah, do you know the impact your precious life has had on others? Do you know your short precious life made and is making a huge impact on this world? You have inspired me in so many ways. I Love you Hannah <3

 

Love always,

Mommy