Through the Dark Valley

by Julie Erickson

When I first learned of Jordyn's fatal diagnosis in November of last year, the perfectionist and workaholic in me took over almost immediately. Though I was heartbroken that Jordyn would not be with us to grow up, I imagined the good that could come of her short time on earth. I pictured building a legacy in her name which included a charity for fetal heart research, a blog to tell her story, and many speaking, fund raising, and mentoring efforts to support those who were hurting in the same way I was. Though I could not save her life, through whatever power I had I needed her memory to be preserved.

This New Life

by Ashley Bowman

February 1st marked six months since I said hello then goodbye to my angel, Bentley. 6 MONTHS. It seems like such a short amount of time when you think about the length of a whole human life, but it's an excruciatingly long time when you are missing someone every second, of every day.  I have come to find that grief and that incredibly painful ache I feel every day living without my son only gets worse with time. Probably because every day is one day longer that it has been since I kissed him and held him. I already feel like he is quickly disappearing from our lives. Other than pictures and a few mementos, there is no sign that he was ever here. It kills me to know that I will never have anything more of him than I do now. I will never get take his picture as I  see him off on his first day of kindergarten or see his first steps. None of that, it has all been taken from us for reasons we will never know or understand. Everything happens for a reason has no part in baby loss.

Being completely open with you...

I started blogging to express my feelings after losing Hannah. I also started blogging because I wanted others to know that they weren't alone in this journey of losing a baby. I wanted to keep myself raw and basically completely unedited as I wrote about my personal journey and feelings.

With that being said I want to apologize for being so absent. There have been many different things happening in my life, in addition to learning to life without my Baby Girl. To be completely honest, I'm struggling to keep my head above water. My level of anxiety and stress are now making me physically sick, in addition to losing hair since delivering Hannah. Medication isn't controlling my anxiety as well as it once was, but I don't want to add more medications. I am attempting to find natural ways to help. I know many of you can relate.

I'm still learning. I'm still trying to grow. I'm still trying to figure this "new normal" out.

The Guilt of Joy

I was invited by Victoria back in April or May to go to a concert with her. Her husband gave her two tickets to see the Backstreet Boys (We both LOVE them!) for her upcoming birthday. I was so excited to asked me to go with her. I couldn't wait to go with her!

Hope in the Midst of Tough Times - Day 35

Good days.

Bad days.

God is in all days.

 

- Max Lucado

 

 

 

Psalm 121:1-3; Psalm 125:2; Psalm 63:7; Psalm 124:8

 

I look up to the hills, but where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let you be defeated. He who guards you never sleeps. * As the mountains surround Jerusalem, the Lord surrounds His people now and forever. * You are my help. Because of your protection, I sing. * Our help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

 

 

 

Genesis 37:23-25

 

So it came to pass, when Joseph had come to visit his brothers, that they stripped Joseph of his tunic, the tunic of many colors that was on him. Then they took him and cast him into a pit. And the pit was empty; there was no water in it. And they sat down to eat a meal.

 

 

 

Genesis 50:20

 

As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.

 

 

 

 

In God's hands intended evil becomes eventual good.

 

- Max Lucado

 

 

 

God as a Master Weaver, Master Builder. He redeemed the story of Joseph. Can't her redeem your story as well?

 

- Max Lucado



God Carries Us Through - Day 34

**The last few devotionals for Lent will done with, God Will Carry You Through by Max Lucado.



"You will get through this. It won't be painless. It won't be quick. God will use this mess for good. Don't be foolish or naïve. But don't despair either. With God's help, you will get through this."

- Max Lucado

 

 

 

I was determined after Hannah's fatal diagnosis that her life wouldn't be forgotten that something good was going to come out of this tragedy. Her life mattered. Her life counted. Her life has meaning. Her life will change the world.

 

 

I will get through this and adjust to this new normal. It is extremely painful. It is a very slow journey. This mess will be used for good by God. I'm not foolish or naïve. But I will not live in complete despair. With God's help I will get through this and adjust to this new normal. 

Sharing Your Story - Day 33

1 Peter 3:15

But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.



1. Start with a prayer! Ask for God's wisdom and discernment in what to share.

Dear Lord,

Help through this journey. Help me point all glory back to You. Guide me on what to share and how to share it. There is so much left about my story to be told. I do need wisdom and discernment throughout this journey and as I share my story.

Amen



2. Identify one personal experience in your journey through grief where God has worked through your life.




3. Briefly share what happened. Were you hiding, suffering, questioning, forgiving, relating, seeking?

Hannah was given a fatal diagnosis at her 20 week ultrasound. I was told she wasn't the best and was "incompatible with life" and that I should terminate. I was then told by my high risk Doctor that I should terminate, but only because of my risk of mirror syndrome. I refused to terminate. This was my baby. She deserved a chance to live. Her life was worth so much. We prayed for a miracle, but trusted God in whatever he decided. Hannah passed away in utero on December 23rd, 2013 in her 24th week. She was born via emergency C-section on December 23rd, 2013. We had the funeral and buried our Baby Girl on January 9th, 2014. In the beginning of March it was confirmed that Hannah had a extreme form of Turner Syndrome and that is what claimed her life.



4. What emotions did you experience? Did you feel angry, confused, sad, guilty, lonely, depressed, hopeless?

I was not angry at God. I felt angry, confused, sad, guilty, lonely, depressed, and hopeless during this experience. The feelings come and go. Some feelings are becoming less frequent like anger, loneliness, and confusion.



5. What spiritual lesson did you learn from it? If you were holding a grudge against your doctor, did God show the importance of forgiveness?

I was holding a grudge against my high rick doctor and it didn't happen right away, but God helped me forgive.

Also, a baby lost is a baby lost. Their tiny heartbeats stopped. If we don't claim our babies as ours then who in this world will?



6. What scripture verse applies?

Psalm 139:13-16

Colossians 3:13



7. How can your story inspire others? Revisit your gallery of praise. Is there a painting hanging on the wall that could lead someone to praise God? Picture how God might use you. Here is one example of picturing the end result: "I want to help those who have lost a child understand the need to forgive others who have hurt them and the benefits of forgiving so that they will identify at least one person this week and practice forgiveness."

I think so... I hope so.

There will be dark moments in this journey and that is okay! It's ok to feel angry, depressed, hopeless, sad, confused, lonely, and guilty. You are only human and it is important to allow yourself to feel these emotions not matter how painful they are. Just don't allow yourself to dwell on them and become stuck. If you can not move past or through an emotion(s) then do not be ashamed to seek help and guidance from a pastor, counselor, etc.

I want to help those on this journey of baby loss and bring awareness to others that baby loss is real.

I'll Know My Child in Heaven - Day 31

Revelation 21:3-4

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."



Psalm 27:4, 8

One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of he Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord.... My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, Lord, I will seek.



1. What do you most look forward to about Heaven?

I can't wait to see Hannah, my grandfathers, and grandmothers. I can't wait to see God. I look forward to being in paradise and always being happy.



2. What questions will you finally have answers to?

Did God tell Hannah about us? That we love her so much. That we fought so hard to keep her. That we miss her every single day.



3. How has your perspective on the loss of your child been changed by God during your journey?



Read more about heaven: Isaiah 35:10; Ezekiel 1:26-28; Luke 15:10; John 3:5-7; 1 Corinthians 15:36-38; Philippians 3:20-21; 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17; 2 Timothy 4:8; Hebrews 12:22-23; Revelation 15:2-3; 20:1-22:5.

Journey Through the Gallery of Praise - Day 29

Isaiah 65:17-18A

Behold I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind, But be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create.



1. The gallery of your life is filled with emotional paintings. Share about your painting for each of the stages of your journey - Hiding, Suffering, Questioning, and so on.

Hiding - A black hole painted with black, grays, and charcoal colors. Subtle hints of whites throughout - God is ALWAYS there.

Suffering -  The heart is broken into two pieces. It's covered in blood. The is empty, but the emptiness represents the excruciating pain. The heart is on a white background - God is ALWAYS there.

Questioning - A black question mark surrounding by all of my unanswered questions. God is ALWAYS there.

Forgiving - The sky over the ocean. The first half is bright, colorful, and beautiful as the sun is shining and the water sparkles. The second half is dark, void of most color, but in the corner the moonlight is shining, providing light in the darkness - God is ALWAYS there.

Relating - Two people embracing with a hug. Sometimes that is all that is needed - God is ALWAYS there.

Seeking - God's right hand reaching down from the Heavens to me; to hold my hand and guide me - God is ALWAYS there.



2. Now examine each painting. Do you see God there? Contemplate His strength in each of those areas. Praise Him for who He is. With your new eyes, perhaps a few new brush strokes are in order.

Holding Hands with Your Future - Day 28

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my right hand.



1. Is your past holding you captive from your future? If so, how?

I don't think so. I am continually taking steps forward. That's the only way to go. I struggle a lot and there are times I don't want to take anymore steps. This isn't easy and I refuse to leave Hannah in the past. She is apart of my past, present, and future.



2. God wants to strengthen you and help you. In what ways can you allow Him to hold your hand? In what ways can you allow others to hold your hand?

I have made the conscious decision the day Hannah was given a fatal diagnosis that I would not be angry at God. I knew I needed Him more than ever and I turned to Him. He is walking with me through this journey God understands my pain, fears, and anger.

I hate asking for help but I'm only human and I know I can't do this on my own. I have let people in. I allow people to follow me on this journey as I walk through it. Their prayers are powerful. People are holding my hand tightly every time they say a prayer for us, think of us, ask how we are, send a message, talk about Hannah, spend time with me, and talk to me.

Seeking

Seeking: to search for; request, aim, or try

Sorrow looks back,

Worry looks around,

Faith looks up.

 

Author Unknown

 

 

 

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

 

Matthew 7:7

 

 

 

Seek God in your darkness and He will be your light.

Seek God in your questions and He will be your answer.

Seek God in your anger and He will be your peace.

Seek God in your sorrow and He will be your comforter.

Seek God in your uncertainty and He will be your confidence.

Seek God in your sin and He will be your redeemer.

Seek God in your forgiveness and He will be your salvation.

Seek God in your salvation and He will be your eternity.

 

Kathe Wunnenberg

Do You Want to Get Well? - Day 27

Psalm 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted and bonds up their wounds.



1. Read the story in John 5. Imagine you are the person Jesus approaches and asks, "Do you want to get well?" How will you respond to Him?

No I don't, because I'm terrified Hannah will be forgotten. Logically I want to "get well" of course.



2. What excuses have paralyzed you from walking into the future?

I think  I am walking into the future. I started an online resource to help others in this baby loss journey and continue to walk ahead with other decisions in my life. It's one step at a time, but it's still walking into the future.



3. Maybe it's time to get up and walk into your future! What steps can you take to start.

I'm am taking baby steps and I refuse to rush myself. My life has changed forever. My daughter died and that can never be fixed. I will continue to walk into my future but I will not leave Hannah in my past.

Seeing Beyond Your Cloud of Loss - Day 26

Jeremiah 29:11-14A

For I know the plans I have for you, "declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord.



1. Look at the cover of this book. What do you see in the clouds?

I see a baby's handprint. It's not perfect by it reminds me of Hannah's hands and handprints.



2. Jesus is the One who transforms lives. In what area(s) of your life physically, psychologically, socially, or spiritually has He transformed you the most through your loss.

 I think I have transformed the most socially and spiritually.



3. In what area do you still need to seek His hope?

Psychologically. I hurt so much. I just want Hannah back. Her due date is fast approaching and it hurts more and more everyday. I dread her due date and I dread every single day after that.



4. What plans do you sense God may have for you in the future?

To help others who are on the journey of baby loss. To let them know they are not alone. To let them know that aren't crazy. To let them know they are entitled to feel their emotions. To let them know they don't need to be ashamed of grieving their baby.

I also sense more children are in our future. I'm not sure if they will be biological children, adopted children or both. But no matter what they will be our children.



5. Read the verse at the beginning of this devotional and insert your name.

It's Pitcher-Filling Time! - Day 25

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.




1. How are you pouring out to others daily?

I am always there for friends or family if they need me. It doesn't matter if I haven't seen or heard from them in years. I will always be there for them. I want to make sure everyone else is ok.



2. God tells us to love our neighbors as ourselves. How are you demonstrating self-love?

Many times I love my neighbors more than I love myself. Other times I do love myself by taking time to read a book or give myself permission to feel my emotions without feeling guilty.



3. How do you know if your emotional pitcher is empty?

I feel drained. I feel tired. I feel empty.



4. Make a list of specific ways that you or other can fill your pitcher.

Have time to be alone with my own thoughts.
Read a book or a magazine.
Going on dates with my husband.
Enjoying a Starbucks chai latte or green tea.
Window shopping by myself.
Going to Barnes and Nobles with my husband.
Weekend getaway.
Having a girls day.
Spending time with my mom.
Shopping at my favorite thrift stores.
Shopping with family.
Lunch with my parents.
Walking on the beautiful trail with my mom and friends.

Playmates in Heaven - Day 24

John 13:34

Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.



1. Read 2 Corinthians 1:3-4; Galatians 6:2; Ephesians 4:32; 1 Thessalonians 4:18.



2. How does God want you to respond to others who are grieving?

God wants me to respond with compassion, love, and understanding. My heart breaks for all the moms that loss their babies. I empathize with them. I want to help them any way I can.



3. Who has lost a child and would appreciate your encouragement? How will you do this?

Victoria and I have encouraged each other in this journey of baby loss. We sent a card with a note to each other, talked about our losses, purchased clothes for our babies together, and have just enjoyed each others company.

I am also a member of several private support groups. in a safe place where we can all share our hearts, vent, cry, be angry, etc. with no judgment and with other women who understand. It's great to have these as a resource, but sad that there are new women joining all the time. I simply let them know that I am praying for them and sending them lots love.



Due dates, birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's Day, and Father's Day can be painful days for those who have lost a child. Consider ways you can show comfort to others on those occasions.

Journey Through the Seasons of Friendship - Day 23

Psalm 1:3

He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruits in season.


1. If you don't have any friends for this season of grief, ask God to connect you to someone.

Be willing to reach out first and befriend someone who has also experienced the loss of their baby(s). Don't be afraid to take that first step. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made.



2. Who are the friends who understand your personal experience and grief and are with you in the journey? Which friends:

• Give you a new perspective?
• Help you grow and mature?
• Support you through change?
• Encourage you to "shut down" and be still?

God has given me two women who I call my friends. I know that no matter where I am in my journey or in life I can talk to them. They truly understand me and can empathize with me. They have both have experienced the loss of their babies. One friend lost her first daughter and she was born still a few years ago. My other friend (Victoria) lost her four babies through miscarriage. Her most recent loss was in January.



3. To whom can you be a friend through her season of grieving? Ask God to show you someone you can invest in for a season.

God brought Victoria in my life to be a friend to. He also knew I needed her friendship as well. I pray God will show me other women who need a friend through this journey of loss.



4. God is a friend for all seasons. How do you most need Him to help you this week? To give you new perspective? To help you grow and mature? To support you through change? To encourage you to "shut down" and be still?

I need God to be my comforter and my strength. I need Him to use my experience to help other women that are alone or feel alone through their journey of baby loss. I need Him to continue to show me that it's ok to be still sometimes and just know that He is God. I know God will never leave me nor forsake me. He is a constant and a forever friend no matter what season I am in my life.

He'll Meet You Where Your Are - Day 22

Matthew 10:29-31

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.



1. What specific situation or person has God used to meet you in your grief? What did you learn? Why was this encounter meaningful?

My good friend Victoria (You can read her story here). I learned that it is ok to grieve and mourn without rushing myself. I learned that what I'm feeling is normal and there's nothing wrong with it.



2. Think about the people Jesus encountered in the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. Which person or story can you relate to? Why?

To be honest, I'm not sure. I never thought about it before. I will take my time to read and then come back to this question.



3. If you could honor or celebrate the child you never knew, what would you do? How could you include your circle of family or friends?

I celebrate Hannah every month by purchasing her an outfit and visiting her grave. I also purchase her all her "first" outfits for Christmas, Valentine's Day, etc. Every year I will celebrate Hannah's birthday with family and friends and celebrate Hannah on her due date. We will celebrate with dinner, cake, and a balloon release.

Who Do You Say That I Am? - Day 21

Matthew 16:13B-16

[Jesus] asked His disciples, "Who do people say the Son of Man is?" They replied, "Som say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, Jeremiah or one of the prophets." "But what about you?" He asked. "Who do you say I am?" Simon Peter answered, "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God."



1. How has loss changed you?

The loss of Hannah has changed everything about me. Some changes are obvious, a strong passion and desire to help others going through baby loss. Other changes are subtle, moments when I briefly disconnect from the world and think only of Hannah out in public.



2. What new insights had God shown you about yourself?

I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. I'm able to stand up for what I believe in regardless of the options and recommendations of others. I had to rely solely on God to keep me healthy and safe. I have a deep passion to help those who are going through the heartbreaking journey of baby loss.



3. Who do you say you are? How can you express that to others?

I am a child of God. Through my actions I pray people will see my faith and who I really am.



4. You will always be a child of God regardless of the changes in your life. How does that make you feel? How does your experience of loss give you new opportunities to share your identity in Him with others?

It's make me feel loved, comforted, happy, confident, and strong.

Because I am sharing my experience and my story with anyone. My strength has come from God during this heartbreaking journey of the loss of Hannah. I want all glory to point back to Him.

Medication - Am I Crazy?

**Always consult your Doctor about taking medication or about stopping the medication. This post is my own experience and for informational purposes only and not to replace the advice and direction of your Doctor.


The day after I gave birth to Hannah (on Christmas Eve) via emergency c-section my Doctor came to check on me and give me the basic rules of recovery. She wrote out multiple prescriptions (and actually dropped them off for us at the Pharmacy) including pain medicine, prenatal vitamins, iron, colace, Zoloft, and Ativan. Wait... Zoloft and Ativan?! By the expression on my face she knew I didn't want to take those. However, I have an anxiety disorder. I haven't taken anxiety medicine for years. I don't like to. I have learned various technics to help control it. I rarely had panic attacks. So why did I need these two medications? I can control this! My Doctor told me that I don't have to take them but she highly recommended it because of the situation and my anxiety disorder. She explained that I could just take an Ativan as needed (up to three times a day) and it will work right away. She then explained that Zoloft should be taken once a day but will take two weeks to get into my system.

I was initially against taking medication. I can grieve like a "normal" person. I'm not crazy. I can still control it. But I couldn't control it and I couldn't grieve like a "normal" person. My emotions were escalated. Nights were extremely hard. I was left alone with my thoughts and there were so many running through my mind all at once. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. It wasn't until the day after Christmas that I decided to start Zoloft and take Ativan during extreme times of an anxiety attack. Zoloft didn't take effect until the day of Hannah's funeral. I felt like I was finally starting to grieve "normally."

I can barely imagine how I would be without Zoloft and Ativan. It definitely does no come close to making me numb towards my feelings. They just allow me to grieve in a healthy way. I'm not crazy for taking either medication and neither are you. It's ok. Do not be ashamed of taking any type if medication after the loss of your baby. I'm not longer ashamed. There are many things in life we can't control and some of us need a little help to grieve "normally." There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make us failures. It does define us. We need to grieve. We need to take our time and not rush our grief. If you need medication just every so often, every single day, weeks, months, years, or the rest of your life, it's ok.

 

Don't be afraid to talk to your Doctor. Also, don't be afraid to talk to your pastor, counselor, spiritual leader, etc. about taking medication. Sometimes we need a little extra support from others and to acknowledge that it's ok.

 

 

 

Why Am I So Angry? - Day 12

Ephesians 4:31

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger.



1. How have you recently expressed healthy, righteous anger over your loss? Unhealthy anger?

About a month ago my husband and I were both angry over our loss. We got into and argument about something else and it got very emotional. We gave each other space. We each separately just cried out to God, screamed, and just broke down. Our anger didn't have to do with that argument, but it had everything to do with the loss of Hannah.

I hate the feeling of being angry so I try to just push it to the side. I'm not sure where is goes, but I know I can't keep it there and let it build up. The anger will come out eventually there's no question about that. I can't allow it build up and get worse and worse.



2. What do you feel is behind your anger? Disappointment? Envy? Expectations? Guilt? Physical exhaustion? Fear? Rejection?

All of the above. Just at different times since Hannah was given and fatal diagnosis.



3. Tell God how you feel. Write a letter to Him and share your heart.

Dear God,

I'm not angry directly at you, but I am angry this had to happen. I'm angry my little girl died. I'm angry she wasn't healed. I'm angry that she was stillborn. I'm angry that since she never took a breath the federal government doesn't recognize her.

I am also thankful for your love and guidance. I'm thankful you allowed Hannah's life to touch so many people. I'm thankful that she will receive a birth certificate and be recognized by the state. I'm thankful for the connections and new friends I have made through the loss of Hannah. I am thankful that I can share my story and be a voice for those who cannot speak yet. I'm thankful that Hannah's life with help countless people through this blog/website and nonprofit.

I know you will not let Hannah be forgotten. I know that you are showing her a love greater than I can even imagine on this earth. I know she is safe in your arms. I know you will use her death to touch and help others who are on this journey of loss or who will be on it in the future.

We want You to be glorified through our personal journey of loss. We want people to know that You didn't cause their baby to pass away, that there is just sin and evil in this world. We want people to know the love You have for them.

Thank You for always being there and accepting me even at my darkest times. I love You God.

Love Always,
Heather