Back to School

I seems to me that with every changing season, I am faced with the reality of the loss I have gone through.  I don't think that I realized this until now, and I am sure that this sort of thing is common with other types of loss, but going through it now it has become much more clear. 

My current issue comes now as it is the "back to school" season.  Many students in our area returned to school yesterday.  As I rode to work yesterday, I got to see them all waiting out at the bus stops, many with proud parents who were sending their kids out into the great big world. 

The sadness I felt from this is two-fold.  The first part of my pain came from knowing that I would never get to experience this part of life with Hannah.  I will never see her off to school or buy her supplies.  I will not be able to pack her lunch or wish her good luck on that spelling test.  This was taken away from me and it hurts.  It is not fair at all. 

The second part that causes me sadness is the fact that I am not only faced with my present loss and sadness, but with the future that has been taken away as well.  You see the proud parents at the bus stop with the children who have their whole lives in front of them.  They have the unlimited potential and the ability to be anything.  I will never be able to watch my daughter go to prom or graduate.  I will never know what she would have become.  I can't be that parent who says, "Some day when my daughter grows up..." I don't get to experience any of this.  I hear other parents talking about their kids and the futures they have planned for them.  All I can do is nod and smile and say things like, "Sounds great."  I can't join in.  I don't blame the other parents.  I don't expect them not to talk about their children or to treat me like a leper because my life is different.  I want them to be able to talk around me.  It is just sometimes hard to face the reality that I can not have those same experiences. 

There is no fixing this.  There is no replacing my daughter.  There is no solution and no way to take away the pain.  As I write these things, I wish there was some way to tie this all up in a neat little package and throw in some inspirational piece about looking to the future and everything being ok.  This is not the case.  There is no easy answer.  All I can do is hope that this becomes a little easier with time.  All my wife and I can do is attempt to try and deal with our pain and find a way to keep on going.