My ambitions were high for Jordyn from the start. However, as
noble as they were I confess that I forgot to consider one very important detail
in my quest to change the world: I needed to heal and restore myself first. My
desire to see these changes manifest in my lifetime continues to remain my
ultimate desire. What has changed over time is that I am now in a more capable
place to carry out these goals. This was only able to come with patience.
I have a long way to go before I would ever admit to being
"whole" again. However, by taking several weeks to bandage my broken
heart and try to live once more, I believe I have done a greater service to Jordyn's
memory than I would have been able to even 2 months ago. My motivation and
dedication are far more solid now that I have had time to walk the dark valley of
loss and find my own inner strength.
I continue to believe in the depths of my heart that Jordyn can
and will one day inspire so many people, but I have found that through being
kind to myself during the initial loss and the time following, I have already
done so much to ensure a bright future on which to build these dreams.
Allowing myself to confront such a terrifying chapter in my life
took a lot of courage. I was very much afraid to begin such a painful journey.
My body was already weak and ill from not eating or sleeping, and exhausted
from delivery and sadness. I knew what lay ahead would only increase my pain
for a time. I was also afraid of pausing to care for myself for another reason:
that every second I spent not reminding the world that Jordyn existed and
building awareness in her name would mean the eventual loss of her memory
altogether. Over time, I feared the world would move on and forget her.
An old saying expresses that "Every man dies 2 deaths. The
first happens when he is buried, and the second happens when his name is spoken
for the last time." I was petrified that if I didn't make haste, Jordyn
would simply become another faded name on a weather-beaten gravestone. It tore me
apart to picture this fate for her. There was no way that I could imagine my
cherished daughter, half a century from now, laying forgotten to the ages as
life continued without her.
Once I was able to let my wandering and worried mind rest for the
first time following Jordyn's delivery, I was able to find moments of clarity
that afforded me the faith to step out and begin finding the person that I had
become in my loss, and restoring myself to the person I knew Jordyn would want me
to be. I began to realize that even though I could not accomplish my ambitions
immediately, it did not mean for a second that somehow Jordyn's memory would
vanish. Everything that I set out to do would eventually be done in due time,
but rushing the process could lead to unfinished goals, half efforts, and
abrupt pauses and abandonment of ideas. Once I was able to look at things from
this perspective, my journey to true healing began.
I tried many different coping mechanisms during those first
difficult months. as I sat alone in my home day after day, with heavy arms that
held nothing and a broken spirit from the memories I couldn't outrun. Some self
care strategies I found helpful, others not so much. However, I was willing to do,
try and learn in an effort to feel better as soon as I could.
I knew that life could be gentle with me for a bit, but not
forever. With that in mind, as I found things that improved my outlook and
attitude, I wrote them down and held onto them to go back to as needed. After
some time it became clear to me that I had amassed quite a list, and that maybe
it could prove useful to someone else as well. Thus, I began to focus on
explaining my journey of self healing to other moms maybe just stepping into
those first lonely and confusing days. I wanted to leave them with a gift in
assuring them that they were not alone, and a reminder that hope is possible
and will come again. I also wanted to speak to the moms that had been in their
losses for some time, and were possibly still looking for a way to restore on
those days where even getting out of bed and taking a few steps seemed like an
outrageous challenge.
If you are finding yourself in one of those spots today, dear
mother, I invite you to read on and experience my own journey. I hope this list
of tips that I kept for myself can prove useful to you in your time of need, or
maybe to someone you know. Whatever your situation, if I can bring even 5
minutes of hope to your day, I am glad to have had the chance to help you.
1. Take a Vacation:
While at first this may seem a selfish waste of money and time, I
can assure you, sweet mommy, that this was an immense help to me. About 3 weeks
following the death of my own daughter, after the visitors, cards, and flowers
stopped coming, I boarded a plane to San Antonio with my husband and let myself
"run away" for the weekend. We spent the next 3 days sightseeing,
dining on the ocean, and just getting comfortable with living again in a city
filled with strangers that didn't know me or my story and were guaranteed to
leave me alone.
I know that not everyone has the financial flexibility to be able
to just hop on a plane as I did, but at the very least, if you can manage it,
take a weekend away from home in a nearby town you have never been to and allow
yourself to get lost for a couple of days. Shut off your phone, computer, TV, and
just be alone with your thoughts. You will be surprised by how much you learn
about your own strength.
2. Use Social Networking, support groups, and counseling:
I currently belong to a Facebook group which unites moms in
situations similar to my own. It is helped to be able to discuss things I feel
with this strong, close knit, and powerful group of women whom I have never
met, yet love me as a sister in loss.
Belonging to a support community has been a critical part of my
healing because, as much as people want to support me, most truly have never
felt the level of despair and daily struggle that comes from losing a baby.
They do not understand how someone can dread Holidays like Mother's day and Christmas.
Nor do I find that they comprehend or the impact and significance of angel
dates, diagnosis dates, and lost milestones in the same way angel mothers do.
3. Create memories:
Yes, I am speaking to you, dear momma: the one who just kissed her
child's casket and watched desperately as it was lowered out of sight. The one
who, this very day might still be in shock that this happened, or angry that
God chose her to shoulder such a terrible burden the rest of her life.
My heart cries with you. I know firsthand the stabbing pain that
grips your chest each night as you cry yourself to sleep. I know the feeling of
alienation you carry with you, because nobody else seems to "get it".
And I know how you pick your body up out of bed each day and pretend to be
unaffected, even though with every step you can hear your own heart shattering
like broken glass.
One might think that creating memories centered around an already
dead child is bizarre and pointless, but humor me for a moment. This is still
your child. Why not decorate that nursery, or buy that outfit you wanted to
bring them home in? How about putting together a baby book? These things can be
such a powerful way to connect with and remember your baby, and can even be
therapeutic in your harder times. They can be used to share your baby's story
with others, and to keep your child's memory vivid in your mind and the minds
of others.
I mother both a living daughter and an angel daughter. For each of
my girls, I worked on a nursery and a baby book when I was pregnant. Each
nursery had its own theme and color: for my living daughter, Hannah, we chose
pink and purple butterflies. For Jordyn, we chose the color yellow and a room
decorated with Elephants. The only difference in both situations was that I
knew Jordyn would never sleep in her room.
Nevertheless, I was not going to ignore that I had picked out that
room in my house to be hers. Each time I stepped into it or walked past it, I
knew that this truth was not going to leave me. I could choose to make it a
place to be happy, reflect, and remember, or I could leave the room undecorated
and empty, like a tomb for my lost dreams. I chose the former.
After painting, we placed a shelf in Jordyn's room with books,
toys, outfits, gifts that were purchased to especially for her, and covered the
walls with tender photos of when, for just a few hours, we were a family of
four.
I am not going to lie and say that I don't cry every time I step
into Jordyn's room, but it is not because I regret having this place in my
home. I am touched with tears over the reminders that I did the best I could
for my baby while she was with us, and that she is no doubt proud to still be
loved, even in death.
Regardless of their length of their lives, each of my girls holds
such a special place in my heart, and I have made the promise to treat them
both as equally as I can , for they mean the entire world to me.
4. Return to life slowly:
I wish that I would have not had to face the end of my maternity
leave and inevitable transition back to the working world. I didn't feel ready.
After all, how can anyone expect someone to resume a normal life after
something so tragic? But my job and responsibilities couldn't wait for me to
feel confident again to return to them. I have now been back at work for 3
months. Looking at my current situation since that first hard day going back, I
admit that I have moments where I still don't feel completely ready. Yet
confronting my fears and resuming my normal routine has been helpful. I have
discovered as the weeks and months pass, that I truly have little to fear.
With the support of a caring and attentive medical team, and an
accommodating employer, I was able to return to my job with permissions in
place to take a break when things just got too hard. I have had, and continue
to experience many moments in which I am completely blindsided and caught off
guard by my grief. However, choosing not to be ashamed if the likely occasional
rough day chappened has allowed me to heal at a pace I can handle. By forcing
myself not to be strong when I can't, I am becoming stronger.
The further I travel in time from that fateful day when Jordyn's
heart stopped beating, the less often I find that I cry. The intensity of those
hard times, though, when they do come, continue to bring with them as much
crippling sorrow as if it were still that first day.
5. Pray and spend time in meditation:
It has never been my agenda to demand that people seek organized
religion for themselves. I simply can't emphasize enough, though, how much the
Lord has carried me through this unthinkable disaster. I would be omitting the
most important detail in my path to healing were I to leave this out.
I have spent much time in prayer, contemplation, and scripture as
I have tried to make sense of why God wanted me to carry a sick child and
ultimately let her pass from this life instead of healing her.
I have found as I go, that my prayers are often not answered in
the way I request, but that is okay.
I serve a big God who has been there at the beginning and end of
my life already. He answers my prayers according to his wisdom in understanding
not what I want, but what I need.
I remain convinced if I did not know God, I would not be healing
as quickly or successfully as I currently am. I have a long way to go, but God
is carrying me there using his strength. He is crying with me in the times that
I cry, and celebrating with me in the times when I find joy. He has promised to
make by burden light, and not to leave or forsake me.
Knowing and understanding the promises of God as outlined in the
word has given me confidence in knowing that I will see my baby girl again
before too long, and that when I do, we will never have to consider being apart
for the rest of eternity. It has also lessened my anxiety about where Jordyn is
now and how she is doing. I know someday I will be there with her, standing in
joy and glory. That promise brings tears to my eyes and a beautiful peace to my
heart that transcends all understanding.
My final suggestion, dear mother, is to not analyze your actions
or compare your grief to others. The absence of tears is no sign that you are a
bad person or that you do not have a heart of love for the baby you lost. Nor
does crying alone for hours at night make you weak and pathetic. It is
important that you take actions and make choices that will allow you to heal. Whether that looks the same as someone else's journey
or not is unimportant. What matters is that it is your journey, and it is not
wrong.
My heart breaks with you as you face this difficult new reality,
sweet mother. I wish I could compose the perfect words to help you through this
without any struggle. But I can't take your pain from you any easier than I can
outrun my own. It's a part of me now. I have spent my time surfing the web
endlessly, and have dog eared the pages of dozens of grief books in search of
that one miracle that will stop my hard days from being so hard. Sometimes, a
good cry does the job better than a million suggestions will. So I close with
this cry with those who want to cry with you, extend grace to those that will
turn their backs out of ignorance or awkwardness, and absolutely forgive
yourself, for you never did a thing to deserve or contribute to your child's
fate.
My prayers carry across the miles to you in your grief. May you never
feel alone.
God bless,
Julie
Psalm 23:4,6
Even though I walk through
the valley of the shadow of
death, I will fear no evil, for you are
with me: your rod and your
staff , they comfort me. Surely
goodness and love will follow me all
the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Julie Erickson is mom to a cute, rambunctious 22
month old named Hannah and is currently pregnant with her little sister, a
heart warrior by the name of Jordyn Hope who has received a life limiting
diagnosis.
Julie's family braves the winter cold of Minnesota each year in their Minneapolis home keeping busy writing, decorating, baking, and visiting friends.
Julie recently joined up with Hannah's heart and Love as a contributor after learning of her unborn daughter's condition at 20 weeks pregnant. She has decided to do what she is able to bring encouragement into the lives of other hurting moms like herself and spread awareness of pregnancy and infant loss as a means of empowering women who have fallen victim. She welcomes email messages to jmerickso@gmail.com .
Julie's family braves the winter cold of Minnesota each year in their Minneapolis home keeping busy writing, decorating, baking, and visiting friends.
Julie recently joined up with Hannah's heart and Love as a contributor after learning of her unborn daughter's condition at 20 weeks pregnant. She has decided to do what she is able to bring encouragement into the lives of other hurting moms like herself and spread awareness of pregnancy and infant loss as a means of empowering women who have fallen victim. She welcomes email messages to jmerickso@gmail.com .
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