Happy 4th of July?

 

Happy 4th of July to all of you! 

This is generally one of the times of the year I would really enjoy.  There's fireworks, barbecues, street fairs, the weather is great and there is tons of great food to eat.  However, this year as holidays come and go, they tend to be very bittersweet.  What used to be a time of celebration has now become a reminder of what "should have been."  Today, I should be taking my daughter to Good Neighbor Day at Kerr Park.  It should be her first 4th of July.  She should be having her first experience with fireworks, which I am sure would be a little scary for a baby.  But I don't get this experience at all.  Instead I get reminded that my daughter is gone. 


I should be angry about this I suppose.  I should scream and shout and be so upset that it ruins my day.  I am not though.  Even though I should be angry, I have reached a point that I have moved passed that.  I realize that this is the way that my life is and will continue to be.  Not in a way that I have moved on or am happy about it.  No, but I have come to accept that with everyday I am faced with the reality that Hannah is not here.  I know that I am not going to have a chance to do the things that I had planned.  I know that things are not nor will they ever be the "way they were supposed to be."  It hurts me to say that I can't have her back and that things can not be the way I thought they would be.  It's hard to admit and even harder to accept.  At the same time though, I can't be blind to reality.  I have to find a way to handle the difficult times.

 

This is not an easy thing to deal with.  It's not fair.  It's painful.  There is no making it right.  I wish I could say that as each holiday passes, things are less painful.  It doesn't get any easier.  I know that this is only the first year that I have gone through, but I can tell already that things will not get easier.  I will miss my daughter every day.  So will my wife.  I do know though that no matter how hard it gets, I will continue to try and enjoy these things as best I can, even though it is hard.  Even though it's not "how it's supposed to be" I will do my best to make the most of it.  I feel that is really the only thing I can do.  It's what I would want people to do if I was gone.