The last two days have been d.i.f.f.i.c.u.l.t. Both days ended in tears and little sleep after hard conversations with my husband. If you had asked me five years ago if I would ever have to discuss the possibility of us not having our own children, I probably would have looked at you as though you had five heads.
We haven't given up and we still have a long road ahead, but as time passes, it has become more of a reality than it has ever been. We were cleared to start trying again this month and made the decision to do so after being on supplements, losing weight, and changing up my diet (for the most part). After some false symptoms, probably due in part to my high hopes, I just knew in my heart on Tuesday I was not pregnant. I got the definite no both in Clear Blue Digital form yesterday (and again this morning because I just keep praying it was wrong) and with other tell-tale signs.
After I broke down in a fit of sobs and screaming, the following conversation ensued with my husband.
(He was pretty exasperated with my sudden meltdown and I was angry at everything at the moment- I'm pretty sure I even yelled about how the paint on the wall was making me mad. Yup. It was one of those meltdowns.)
Jason- "Well, we knew it wasn't going to happen the first time"
Me- "We didn't know anything- there is never a guarantee it will or won't happen"
Jason- "You shouldn't have gotten your hopes up. It's never worked the first time before. Maybe now you will just agree to go to the fertility clinic"
Me- (after a few choice phrases I am not particularly proud of) " I can't believe you just said that. I have to have hope- otherwise what else do I have? We can't afford the fertility clinic right now- you know that."
Jason- "I don't know anything"
It was at that very moment things took a turn for the worse. I pretty much came unglued and dumped every single thing I was feeling on him and he was in a state of shock. I was angry, sad, furious, broken-hearted, frustrated, scared, and confused- and it all came out at that moment. I let him have it for every little thing that had been upsetting me for months.
It was not at all the correct way to go about it and I certainly didn't intend for it to happen that way- but it did. I let him know that I was furious with him for not making an effort to research my condition, treatment options, or associated costs. I told him he made me feel like I was alone. I told him he had no emotions. I said so many terrible things.
You know what, though? He stood right there and took it. He let me say whatever I needed to say and then just hugged me while I cried. I am so blessed to have a husband who understood the things that I was saying wasn't actually how I felt- it was just what was coming to the surface. I had finally hit the point of no return- enough was just too much.
We have spent the last few nights talking about everything- about the possibility we may not be able to have our own children, about getting back into the adoption process, about the fertility clinic, about finances, about trying again... we really had some good conversations that so desperately needed to happen.
We both realized we need to spend more time talking with each other. He has to be more willing to recognize my emotions and have these conversations and I have to be willing to stop when he has had enough. As with anything in marriage, it's a learning process, a give and take.
I want you to know that you may have nights like this too. You may have nights where you can no longer control your emotions or your words. You may have nights that the thought of having one more thought terrifies you. I want you to know in your heart it is completely normal. It doesn't make you crazy or dramatic or hysterical. You are a Mother- a Mother who lost her child. You are a Mother trying to adjust to a new sense of normal that no Mother should ever have to know.
I know in my heart that whether we have our own children, adopt, or opt to have children through a surrogate- we are going to have our family. It may take a lot of sacrifice, time, money, and more nights like the last few days- but I know we are going to get there. Through it all though, the very best part is, I have my husband by my side. I am so blessed to have someone who stands with me through the darkest times. He is my rock. We will get through this together and have the family God has planned for us.
(He was pretty exasperated with my sudden meltdown and I was angry at everything at the moment- I'm pretty sure I even yelled about how the paint on the wall was making me mad. Yup. It was one of those meltdowns.)
Jason- "Well, we knew it wasn't going to happen the first time"
Me- "We didn't know anything- there is never a guarantee it will or won't happen"
Jason- "You shouldn't have gotten your hopes up. It's never worked the first time before. Maybe now you will just agree to go to the fertility clinic"
Me- (after a few choice phrases I am not particularly proud of) " I can't believe you just said that. I have to have hope- otherwise what else do I have? We can't afford the fertility clinic right now- you know that."
Jason- "I don't know anything"
It was at that very moment things took a turn for the worse. I pretty much came unglued and dumped every single thing I was feeling on him and he was in a state of shock. I was angry, sad, furious, broken-hearted, frustrated, scared, and confused- and it all came out at that moment. I let him have it for every little thing that had been upsetting me for months.
It was not at all the correct way to go about it and I certainly didn't intend for it to happen that way- but it did. I let him know that I was furious with him for not making an effort to research my condition, treatment options, or associated costs. I told him he made me feel like I was alone. I told him he had no emotions. I said so many terrible things.
You know what, though? He stood right there and took it. He let me say whatever I needed to say and then just hugged me while I cried. I am so blessed to have a husband who understood the things that I was saying wasn't actually how I felt- it was just what was coming to the surface. I had finally hit the point of no return- enough was just too much.
We have spent the last few nights talking about everything- about the possibility we may not be able to have our own children, about getting back into the adoption process, about the fertility clinic, about finances, about trying again... we really had some good conversations that so desperately needed to happen.
We both realized we need to spend more time talking with each other. He has to be more willing to recognize my emotions and have these conversations and I have to be willing to stop when he has had enough. As with anything in marriage, it's a learning process, a give and take.
I want you to know that you may have nights like this too. You may have nights where you can no longer control your emotions or your words. You may have nights that the thought of having one more thought terrifies you. I want you to know in your heart it is completely normal. It doesn't make you crazy or dramatic or hysterical. You are a Mother- a Mother who lost her child. You are a Mother trying to adjust to a new sense of normal that no Mother should ever have to know.
I know in my heart that whether we have our own children, adopt, or opt to have children through a surrogate- we are going to have our family. It may take a lot of sacrifice, time, money, and more nights like the last few days- but I know we are going to get there. Through it all though, the very best part is, I have my husband by my side. I am so blessed to have someone who stands with me through the darkest times. He is my rock. We will get through this together and have the family God has planned for us.
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